Biggest Douchebags of 2011

We’re a terrible species that does terrible things to each other. Some people might say it’s the devil at work, other’s might say it’s part of the human condition since we are the only species that is able to contemplate its own existence and therefore its own death yet we have no real control over the matter so we externalize our anxieties onto others in the form of negative actions. Only God really knows.

What we can all agree on is that there were a lot of people being douchebags this year, and I’ve come up with a list of the douchiest of them all. This list is not for people who are committing real acts of evil like presiding over ethnic cleansing or gay marriages, this is for people who should know better but have just been dicks this year.

Sports Douchebag of the year
The Penn State football program

Yes, it takes more than just a little bit of a douchebag to cover up child rape for more than a decade. I am completely aware of that. They don’t win the award for the cover-up itself, they win the award for their reaction to getting busted for covering up child rape for more than a decade.

The entire program, including Joe Paterno, treated a child sex abuse scandal within their organization with all the fervor that the Pakistani government had in the search for Bin Laden and then was shocked when people outside Happy Valley wanted heads to roll. And then when Joe Paterno was finally fired—for helping to cover up child rape—student rioted.

They flipped a news van in anger for because they thought it was the media’s fault for blowing the whole “kid getting raped in a shower” thing out of proportion. That god-damn, anti child-rape media and their gotcha-covering-up-for-a-pedophile reporting. When will it end?

The first game after the scandal, the team reportedly wanted to win so that they could bring a game ball to Coach Paterno’s house. Instead, they lost, so I assume they just went with plan B and found a child abuse victim and took turns slapping him across the face.

Honorable mention: NFL/NBA players unions and owners for the lockouts—Seriously, we were so close to ONLY having hockey, you guys. Not cool.


Political Douchebag of the Year
The GOP Primary Voter

Two things: One is I realize I’m giving it to a group again instead of an individual and it’s kind of a cop-out, but if Time can give “The Protestor” the person of the year then all bets are off. Second, the primary voters didn’t even get to really vote in 2011 and they make the list. That’s astonishing.

To be fair to the GOP Primary Voter, there were a lot of chances for you to make a fool out of yourself. The networks figured out that debates were big money makers so they were force-feeding them to us like they were a Tyler Perry show for white people. It even got to the point where Donald Trump was going to host one, but even the guy who took twenty years to paint over a rock on his property that said “Niggerhead” realized that was probably a bad idea.

Still, the GOP Primary Voter had a few “unforced errors” at the debates. YouTube sponsored a debate and a gay soldier asked the candidates their feelings about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, to which some audience members booed, and none of them asked those booing to shut the fuck up and respect the guy who is fighting in the war they all supported. At one debate, the biggest applause line was not about an economic policy or how to confront the war on terror, but Rick Perry bragging about how Texas has executed the most people in the country since he took over as governor.

Fuck you. I have no joke for that. Just fuck you.

The biggest reason that the GOP Primary Voter is the political douchebag of the year is that they won’t vote for Mitt Romney. As a liberal, Mitt Romney is the only guy I think would really be favored against Obama in the general election, but the primary voters won’t vote for him because he’s a Mormon. If Romney were Catholic or Protestant he would be up by 20 points right now, but instead the GOP Primary Voter is seriously talking itself into thinking that Newt Gingrich could or even should be president of the United States of America.

Anyone who ends up voting for Newt Gingrich in an official election should have to use the “buddy system” whenever they’re out in public from now on, because they cannot be trusted as an adult anymore.


Honorable Mention: John Boehner--Just for presiding over the Tea Party congress


Business Douchebag of the Year
Lowe’s

I was really tempted to give this to anyone who has ever worked at Men’s Warehouse just on principle, but I decided that the fine folks over at Lowe’s Home-Improvement Warehouse have really dug deep this year and earned it. A could weeks ago, the hey-we’re-not-Home-Depot store decided to pull advertising from the TLC show “All American Muslim,” a reality show which follows five Muslim families living in the United States, plotting jihad against the infidels.

Okay, actually they’re just normal families, but that didn’t stop Lowe’s from pulling the advertising after (racist) advocacy groups said they would boycott companies that purchased ads during the program. The show follows a group of Muslim-American families as they go about their daily lives, which is exactly what the problem is. Apparently, the most dangerous thing about these sneaky terrorists is when they try to convince us that they’re just as uninteresting as the Kardashians.

Lowe’s claims that they aren’t “trying to alienate” anyone and that they were just listening to multiple voiced concerns over where they were placing ad-buys. This was a better-crafted message from the PR department than the original statement from the CEO of “honestly, we can’t tell the difference between the migrant workers and the terrorists so it just makes it much easier to exclude them all.”

Honorable mention: Banks—For continuing to do what they were doing, which I have no idea what that was, but have been told by most that it’s very, very bad.


Entertainment Douchebag of the Year
Louis CK

Seriously, you cannot make amazing material every year. You have to stop. Just have an off year. Just one. Go for it. It’s totally liberating.

Dexter Season 7 Scene Leaked

Okay, so I have a friend who works as a staff writer for a hit TV show. I don't want to give it away, but it rhymes with "Schmidt Schmy Schmad Schmays." Anyway, he received a leaked copy of the season 7 script of "Dexter."

Warning: SPOILERS

INT. DEXTER'S APARTMENT

Dexter unlocks the door and lets a frantic Deb in. She still
cannot believe that her brother is a serial killer. She
paces furiously throughout the apartment, tears welling up in
her eyes, yelling obscenities that make no sense. Dexter
just closes the door behind him and tries to calm her down.

DEB
Fucking fuck, Dex! Are you fucking
serious? You're the Bay Harbor
Butcher? How the fuck? What the
fuck? Shit fuck!

DEXTER
Listen, Deb, I don't know what to
say, I just--

DEB
(Interrupting and getting
up in his face)
No, you don't get to fucking say
anything! I finally make it to
police lieutenant and then I find
out that my own brother is the Bay
Harbor fucking Butcher? How the
fuck am I supposed to explain that
to Laguerta? What happens if you
get caught, Dex? What happens
then? Did you even fucking think
about that? You could take down
the entire Morgan family in one
fucking moment by leaving a single
piece of DNA at a crime scene.

Dexter swallows hard, figruing out what to say next.

DEXTER
I feel like you're sending me mixed
messages here, Deb.

DEB
Mixed messages my fucking ass, Dex!
What the fuck are you talking
about?

DEXTER
Well, you're giving me a hand job
right now.

Camera pulls back to reveal Deb's hand completely down
Dexter's pants. She realizes what she's been doing, stops,
and walks towards the kitchen.

DEB
I, uh, need a beer. You want one?

DEXTER
Sure.

Deb goes to the fridge and grabs a couple beers. She comes
back and hands one of them to Dex then returns to the kitchen
area and sits down on a chair. Dexter sits on a couch on the
other side of the room. The each crack their beers with
their bare hands and take a deep breath.

DEB
So, have you always been a serial
killer?

DEXTER
Yeah, I guess so. Ever since my
mother died in that shipping
container I was "born in blood."

DEB
Fuck. Your brother, Brian, the Ice
Truck Killer? The guy who tried to
kill me?

DEXTER
He did it to get to me

DEB
Jesus fuck.

DEXTER
And Trinity as well. He killed
Rita because he knew I was on to
him. I stalked him for months and
he took my wife from me so I took
his life from him. And I was the

one who helped Jordan Chase's escaped

victim get revenge on the monsters who raped

and brutalized her. We spent
weeks tracking them down, finding
their weaknesses, then killing them
and leaving them in--Deb!

Dexter looks up to realize that Deb is fingering herself and
moaning. She pulls her hand out of her pants and straightens
up, smelling her fingers quickly before standing up and
getting back into cop mode.

DEB
Show me your murder weapons.

Dexter gets up and leads Deb to the bedroom and opens his
closet. He unlocks his trunk and opens it.

DEB (CONT'D)
Motherfucker I keep my sex toys in
a trunk too.

DEXTER
What?

DEB
Nothing. I just, nevermind.
Dexter, You're leaving me no choice
here.

Deb pulls out a set of hand cuffs.

DEXTER
You don't have to do this Deb. I
can just disappear from the face of
the earth, save us both the
emberassment.

DEB
Just shut the fuck up Dex. I have
to do this. If I don't, I could
never live with myself knowing that
I let you slip away--

DEXTER
(Voiceover while Deb keeps
ranting)
Just what I need, a lecture from my
sister while I'm getting arrested.
I had always imagined this moment,
but I always just thought she would
be crying, not talking on and on
and on. Jesus, this is so much
worse.

Deb puts the cuffs on one of Dexter's wrists and handcuffs
him to the bedpost. She pulls out another pair and hand
cuffs him to the other bedpost.

DEXTER (CONT'D)
(Voiceover)
What the?

Deb proceeds to perform oral sex on Dexter.

DEXTER (CONT'D)
(Voiceover)
Finally, some peace and quiet.

END SCENE.

Obama's Casualties: 2011 Edition

Kim Jong Il Press Release

So I have a friend who works as a journalist in a state-run newspaper in North Korea and a risked his life to get me a copy of the official press release from the the government about Kim Jong Il's death. My friend may actually be dead already, he hasn't been returning my emails all day.

But don't that let stop your enjoyment while reading the press release.

-James

December 18, 2011
Contact: We contact you, you don’t contact us
For Immediate Release

DEAR LEADER KIM JONG IL CHOOSES TO DIE

Pyongyang—Kim Jong Il, brave leader of the great North Korea, died yesterday by his own choice, willing his own heart to stop in his sleep just to prove to the Americans that he could. He was 70ish.

Jong Il, who has been named Time “Person of the Year” every year since 1997, is best known for bringing joy and happiness to the people of North Korea. In 1999, he made it illegal to frown, but it was merely a formality as no one had reason to do so. Ever.

“I loved him like I love my own father, probably even more,” every North Korean citizen said in unison upon hearing the news that their beloved leader had fallen. “This is very sad news.”

Jong Il, who could run a sub-3-minute mile, was the first leader to be elected by the people by completely unanimous vote in 1994 with 100 percent voter turnout. Even his opponents decided to vote for the dear leader, realizing that there could be no better option.

The dear leader, who has earned a master’s degree in every field, helped bring North Korea into the nuclear age. After his uranium enrichment plant was up and running, the entire UN gave him a standing ovation for being so bold.

When he was not causing the American economy to tank just by wishing it so, Kim Jong Il spent his time defending his people. Whenever the South Koreans would attack the great North Korea for no reason, Kim Jong Il insisted on flying a jet himself to defend his country. This is what gave Roland Emmerich the idea for Bill Pullman’s character in “Independence Day.”

Funeral services for the dear leader are expected to be held every day throughout 2012. Americans are expected to honor the dear leader by cutting down pine trees and putting them inside their houses.

After another unanimous vote, North Koreans decided the country will now be run by Kim Jong Un. We don’t really know much about him either.

###

In Defense of the 1%

I was recently talking with my parents about how doing comedy is simultaneously the most terrifying and fun thing that I have ever done. A couple times a week I stand up in front of anywhere from 10 to 300 people and try to make them laugh. I love being on stage, I love getting to work with comedians that I have seen on TV and in movies, and I love having hilarious friends whose Facebook statuses do more than tell me where they just ate lunch. But what I really love is chasing after a goal that I know is nearly impossible to reach.

That’s the scary part. What if ten years from now I’m still just making the rounds at open mics, getting the occasional hosting spot at clubs and get stuck at 250 Twitter followers? What if no one knows my name and I sacrificed years I could have spent working on building a solid career pursuing some unattainable dream?

I’m not mentally stable enough to just “live in the moment” and enjoy the ride, I need to constantly be going after something bigger and better with the hopes that the next level will finally satiate that need for strangers to love me.

So what happens if I finally make it? Then what? I guess if I get a writing job on a TV show and get to start touring with the top comedians in the world, then I’m going to get bored with that and have to get my own TV show and headline comedy shows. After that I guess I’ll have to work on a movie or two and if they flop or only do so-so then I’ll have to finally write my masterpiece that is both a box-office success and so critically acclaimed that they name an award after it at Sundance.

My dream is comedy, but I know that’s not everyone’s dream. Some people want to be doctors or lawyers or traders on the New York Stock Exchange. They want to own their own business and become the next Warren Buffet or they want to come up with the cure for AIDS (Or retrieve it from the government labs where it’s under a double lock.). There’s a need in a lot of us to be not only really good at what you do, but to become the absolute best.

The problem is that in order to run the best business or become the best trader on Wall Street, you probably have to completely screw over a bunch of people to do it. You make your first million and then you need to make two, then five, and then you have to double that in a year. Even if that means giving yourself a disproportionate bonus to the work you did or doing whatever you can to put your competitors out of business. You do what you can to get to the top in your field and then you move on to the next one and try your hand at taking over a completely different sector of the economy.

There are plenty of millionaires in this country and there are plenty of funny comedians who never make it beyond the level I’ve reached. The real fun (Or neurotic need) is to go from being in that 1% to being the 1% of the 1%, and then to get even better. I’m sure there are even the people who are part of the Occupy movement want to be known as the guy who helped change the banking system through protest or the woman who did the most to fight for the working poor.

I’m not saying that this excuses all the golden parachutes or demanding tax cuts from the government to create jobs and then using the extra money to open a plant in a country with no labor laws so you can pay your new workers 14 cents an hour. I’m just saying that if the best way for me to become a successful comedian was to do whatever I could to make sure other comedians didn’t get to any gigs, there’s a decent chance that I would probably spend my Fridays slashing tires and stealing transit passes.

A Few Quick Thoughts On Last Night's GOP Debate

1. The Republican Base is Insane—In a country drowning in debt with unemployment hovering close to double digits and two full-scale wars going on (Not to mention a couple of little baby wars we’re helping to finance), the biggest applause break came when Matt Laur mentioned to Governor Perry that Texas had the most executions of any state in the nation. They weren’t applauding that a moderator had the nerve to ask a difficult question, they were applauding how many times a guy who they think should run the country signed off on the government ending someone’s life.

The second biggest applause line? Newt Gingrich saying that we should make English the official language of the United States. Apparently this will help create jobs because after he passes that law he will have to hire millions of agents all over the country to erase, cover up, and delete anything written in Spanish.


2. Despite what he says, Governor Perry believes in global warming—Rick Perry spent a full minute trying to equate those who don’t believe in global warming to Galileo, who had the brilliance and the testicular fortitude to say what was unpopular with the status quo. He then followed this up by bragging about how much he has helped clean up the air pollution and greenhouse gasses in Texas.
So to recap: “Air pollution doesn’t do any harm to the environment, but check out how much of it I cleaned up.”

3. The hardest part about being Mitt Romney’s debate coach is breaking him of the habit of starting every sentence with “Look, these assholes have no idea what they’re talking about.”—I have no real proof of this, but he looks like I guy that would call everyone else an asshole. The sad part is that he’s right and he’s probably the only guy on that stage who would not be an embarrassment as POTUS but he will never make it out of the Republican Primary because 1) He’s a Mormon and 2) He told the Tea Party that he believes in most of what they’re talking about but he won’t fully commit to joining the movement which, to them, is the equivalent of telling them he just slept with their mothers and he made sure she didn’t climax.

30 Sketches in 30 Days--#7 "Long Ride Home"

Obviously I had to dig deep and come up with a brand new character that is nothing like me for this one...



INT. CAR

JAMES is driving home from work. He is a heavyset young guy
who has been working hard recently on losing weight but has
been struggling recently. He's trying to figure what to eat
for dinner tonight and we only hear his internal monologue as
he silently drives.

JAMES
(All internal
monologue/voiceover, not
spoken)
God I'm hungry. I really should
have eaten something substantial
for lunch or at least brought a
snack with me or something. Shit,
all I have at home is canned tuna
and I had fish for lunch so I don't
feel like eating that. I guess I
gotta pick something up, but it's
gotta be healthy. I've been
slipping on this diet, I can't get
back up to 300 pounds like I was.
I'll go to Subway and just get a
six inch turkey sub with mustard
instead of mayo. Yeah, that will
do. And maybe I'll get some chips.
No! No chips. Get the yogurt on
the side.

James takes a deep breath, comfortable with the decision he
has made.

JAMES (CONT'D)
(Still internal monologue)
Although I have been good all day
today and I did go for that walk
last night. So maybe I could do to
Burger King. Maybe just get the
grilled chicken sandwich with small
fries and a Diet Coke.

James ponders his decision again, now a little less sure.

JAMES (CONT'D)
(Still internal monologue)
No! I can't go to Burger King.
We're talking about my health here.
My doctor has already said that my
blood pressure was a little too
high and that if I continued down
this path it would lead to diabetes
and long term heart issues.
Plus I'm not getting any younger,
so the weight is only going to get
harder to lose, so I should just
try to build off the momentum that
I've had the last couple months. I
have to do this for my health, for
my future, I have to do this for
me.

The camera zooms out and James looks around and realizes that
in the middle of his impassioned speech to himself he has
driven into the drive-thru at the Burger King.

JAMES (CONT'D)
(Aloud)
Fuck!

END