9 Wins or I'm Out

On October 14, 1992, my parents sent me to bed sometime before the 9^th inning of game 7 of the National League Championship series.  That was the last time the Pirates were above .500 at the end of the season.  A full ¾ of my life has now been spent with a team that is below .500, and those have been consecutive years.  Last year we toyed around with a .500 record last year, but we really just overachieved in the first half, and eventually the law of large numbers caught up to a rotation that relied on Kevin Correia as our number one starter.  This year was different.

In early August, we reached 16 games over .500 (We were never more than 7 games over in 2011).  We were competing for the NL Central and nipping at the heels of a Reds team that was the best team in baseball for a while.  This was it.  We were really competing and getting to find out what it was like to be a real baseball team.  We were going back and forth with Atlanta to see who would host the wild card game and we were smart buyers at the trade deadline.

Then we lost 5 of 6 to San Diego, 3 of 4 to the Dodgers, got swept by Milwaukee and are—as of this moment—in the middle of a 7 game losing streak that includes 4 losses to the lowly Cubs.  We’re a single game over .500 with 19 games left, and we look like we may never win another baseball game again.

So I’ve decided that this is the Pirates’ last chance to keep me as a fan.  20 years of losing baseball is enough.  1992 was a kick in the nuts, but this 2012 season is made out of the stuff that Dick Cheney would have refused to sign off on.  To make matters worse, the Cardinals (who overtook the Pirates for the second wildcard spot) are sucking almost as much as the Pirates, so not only are we getting teased with .500, but with a possible wildcard spot to boot.   

I’m just ready for it to end.  It has to stop.  So here is my ultimatum for the Pittsburgh Pirates: Finish above .500 or I’m out.  I don’t know if I’ll become a fan of another team or just drop baseball all together, but I’ll be done going to Pirates games, buying any Pirates stuff, or following twitter accounts about Zoltan.

The Pirates have 19 games over the next 19 days.  If they don’t win 9 of them, then I become an MLB fan free agent.

Leaked Penn State Emails

There's been a lot of news about the Penn State emails and whether or not they prove that JoePa and the administration willfully ignored the Sandusky child abuse scandal.  Well I was able to get a hold of some of the emails.

Unfortunately they don't have anything directly to do with the sex abuse scandal, but I think they're pretty telling.

-James

From: “Mike McQueary” , < M.McQueary@psu.edu >

To: “Coach Paterno”, < JoePa@psu.edu >

Subject: Practice Field Issues

Date: Monday, August 8, 2000 6:19pm

Hey Coach,

I just wanted to let you know that I noticed a problem with the astroturf on the practice field.  It seems to be developing a small tear around the 40 yard line marker on the side closest to the benches.  I’m just worried about one of the guys getting his foot caught and really injuring himself badly.  I think it’s a pretty easy fix, should I contact the maintenance department?

See you tomorrow.

Sincerely,

Mike

Mike McQueary

Graduate Assistant

Penn State Football

MMCqueary@psu.edu

From: “Coach Paterno” < JoePa@psu.edu >

To: “Mike McQueary” < MMcQueary@psu.edu >

Subject: RE: Practice Field Issues

Date: Monday, August 8, 2000 8:40PM

Mike

Thanks.  No need to call maintenance. I’ll deal with it from here.

Coach

Joe Paterno

Head Coach

Penn State Football

JoePa@psu.edu

From: “Coach Paterno” < JoePa@psu.edu >

To: “Tim Curley” < TCurley@psu.edu >

Subject: FW: RE: Practice Field Issues

Date: Monday, August 8, 2000 9:12PM

Tim

So that graduate assistant you sent me said there was a rumor that there may or may not be some kind of tear in the practice field.  I don’t know.  Doesn’t sound like a big deal to me. 

Just a scared grad assistant making a big deal out of nothing.

Oh well, I’m off to bed.

Joe

Joe Paterno

Head Coach

Penn State Football

JoePa@psu.edu

From: “Tim Curley” < TCurley@psu.edu >

To: “Joe Paterno” < JoePa@psu.edu >, “Graham Spanier” <  President@psu.edu >

Subject: RE: FW: RE: Practice Field Issues

Date: Tuesday, August 9, 2000, 8:11 AM

Joe

No need to get maintenance involved.  It sounds like it will probably just go away if we ignore it.  Maybe even just have the guys run a few drills right over it and see if it will just kind of mend itself. 

I’m looping Graham in to get his thoughts.

Tim

Tim Curley

Athletic Director

Penn State University

TCurly@psu.edu

From: “Graham Spanier” < President@psu.edu >

To: “Joe Paterno” < JoePa@psu.edu >, “Tim Curley” < TCurley@psu.edu >

Subject: RE: FW: RE: Practice Field Issues

Date: Tuesday, August 9, 2000, 10:52 AM

I don’t know.  We might want to get someone involved to look at it.  I’m a little worried about lawsuit if one of the players gets hurt.

How bad is the tear in the field?

G

Graham Spanier

President

Penn State University

President@psu.edu

From: “Joe Paterno” < JoePa@psu.edu >,  

To: “Tim Curley” < TCurley@psu.edu >, “Graham Spanier” <  President@psu.edu >

Subject: RE: FW: RE: Practice Field Issues

Date: Tuesday, August 9, 2000, 1:08 PM

Graham

I don’t even know if there is a tear in the field, I haven’t really checked it out or asked anyone else.  I’m sure it’s not a big deal though.

Sure it would be bad if there really is a tear and someone gets hurt, but wouldn’t it be even worse to have maintenance running around here and then some rumor gets spread that we have a substandard practice facility.  It would make recruiting impossible for me.

Just remember that there are literally hundreds of thousands of fans who would strangle you with their bare hands if I asked them to.  No one knows who you are.  I’m Joe Fucking Paterno.

But in the end it’s your call.  I was just reporting this possible non-issue to you as is my job.

Joe

PS—Go pick up my dry cleaning and leave it on my porch. 

Joe Paterno

Head Coach

Penn State Football

JoePa@psu.edu

From: “Graham Spanier” < President.@psu.edu >

To: “Joe Paterno” < JoePa@psu.edu >, “Tim Curley” < TCurley@psu.edu >

Subject: RE: FW: RE: Practice Field Issues

Date: Tuesday, August 9, 2000, 5:35 PM

Coach Paterno

After a very careful review of the situation, I have concluded that there is no need to pursue this issue any further.

Your dry cleaning is hanging on the lounge chair on your porch.

Graham

Graham Spanier

President

Penn State University

President@psu.edu

Miss USA a Secret Hamas Spy?

Alex Dingley, who recorded Chip Chantry's soon-to-be-released album, was testing out some video and audio equipment and was kind enough to put up one of my clips from a show at Helium I did last year.

FaceTime - James Hesky Clip from Alex Dingley on Vimeo.

Check out Alex's site at www.alexdingley.com.

John Oliver and Kurt Metzger on CheaPodcast

I opened up for John Oliver (The Daily Show) and Kurt Metzger (Ugly Americans) this week at Helium in Philly and theyh were both cool enough to do a segment on CheaPodcast. Here are some sneak peaks of their segments. The full episode comes out tomorrow on iTunes or at cheapodcast.podbean.com.

Like CheaPodcast on Facebook or follow us on Twitter: @cheapodcast, @jameshesky, @darryldarryl_

New episodes of CheaPodcast come out every Wednesday.

Celebrity New Years Resolutions

Mitt Romney
Stop internal dialogue from answering every question from a constituent with “You disgust me and I want nothing more than to be somewhere else, but I’m going to respond anyway because I want to be president.”

Newt Gingrich
Put the nose to the grindstone and start working those 25-hour weeks as much as possible.

Rick Perry
Win the election, set the record for executions in a year in Texas, and, um, oh boy, what’s the third one?

Barack Obama
Build off of 2011 and take out Ahmadinejad, Chavez, Castro, and whoever greenlit “Whitney”.

Kim Jong Un
Watch the carbs, so really cut down on the bags official US Government Aide rice.


Rex Ryan
Bring in that big-name free agent with a checkered past that will finally put the Jets over-the-top.

Sidney Crosby
Remember which ones are forks and which one is the shampoo.

Roger Goodell
Get all defensive players to wear #92 so that it’s more fun fining people.

Michael Vick
Let that hand fully heal so he can finally think straight and stop getting all those headaches.

GOP Candidates' Post-Iowa Meeting Minutes

I received a copy of the minutes from all the major GOP candidates’ morning meeting following last night’s Iowa caucuses.


Mitt Romney
Location: Ritz Carlton conference room
In Attendance: Romney, campaign manager, communications director, field director, media consultant
Meeting time: 8am

· Opening prayer: Mitt thanks the Lord Almighty for blessing him and his team with the strength to pull out a hard-fought victory in Iowa against a strong field that would all make better presidents than Barack Obama
· Campaign manager reminds Mitt that he’s among friends and that he can drop the bullshit
· Mitt thanks Joseph Smith for the pleasure of watching Newt Gingrich go down in flames

Plan for New Hampshire

· Mitt to leave right after meeting, will stop in at a maple syrup manufacturing plant or whatever it is these New Hampshire people make to discuss his jobs plan
· Campaign Manager reminds team not to schedule any stops at plants where Mitt went in and fired everyone when he worked in the private sector
· It should be an easy win, but margin of victory is important
· Media consultant asks if he can run more negative Newt Gingrich ads. Not because they’re worried about him winning, but just because it was so much fun
· Mitt chips in $100,000 of his own money for the cause

Santorum

· Everyone giggles but Mitt at the mention of the word
· Campaign must show that the former PA senator is unelectable in a general election
· Mitt suggests simply showing that the last time he ran in a general election, he lost by 20 points in Pennsylvania, an important swing state
· Campaign manager reminds team that polls show that this data actually improves his standing within the Tea Party for some reason
· Media consultant suggests they just let Santorum keep talking, possibly even schedule some interviews for him with major news outlets to help voters come to conclusion on their own

End of meeting: 8:30am








Rick Santorum
In attendance: Rick Santorum, Santorum’s wife and children, Pastor, Campaign Manager
Location: Church
Meeting start time: 6am

· Opening prayer service
· Pastor leads three hour service that campaign manager eventually asks to be cut short because they have to discuss business
· Pastor warns that if they can’t finish the service, that gays will start forcibly marrying straights by lunchtime

Iowa recap

· Campaign manager discusses what worked, what didn’t in Iowa
· Santorum family discusses times they prayed hard and times they probably didn’t pray hard enough

New Hampshire

· Campaign manager insists that communications director be allowed in to discuss press strategy, but Santorum said that he interferes with his direct line to God
· Santorum children sacrifice an un-baptized child at the altar as an offering to God so that their father may win more delegates in New Hampshire

End of meeting: 1pm






RON PAUL
No meeting. RON PAUL believes that the free market should decide when he gets to New Hampshire, not some campaign bureaucrat.






Newt Gingrich
Location of meeting: Newt’s hotel room
People in attendance: Newt Gingrich

Mitt Romney

· DESTROY MITT ROMNEY

New Hampshire

· Get to New Hampshire before Mitt Romney so that when Mitt Romney lands you can throw eggs at his stupid face
· Talk with media and finance team about getting a payday loan to run ads DESTROY MITT ROMNEY






Rick Perry
Meeting Location: Nothing with a racist name or anything
In attendance: Rick Perry, Campaign manager

· Opening prayer cancelled in lieu of taking 5 minutes to defecate on pictures of Mitt Romney followed by 12 minutes of smirking in the mirror

Poll numbers

· Campaign manager admits there is no longer a path to victory and that it would be wise to end campaign

Concession speech

· Rick will give concession speech from Texas with a crowd of supporters and be gracious towards everyone except Mitt Romney
· To lift the spirits of Rick and his supporters, following his concession speech, he will hold public executions on seven straight nights






Michelle Bachmann
Meeting location: Marcus’ shrine to Brad Pitt
People in attendance: Michelle Bachmann, Campaign Manager, Marcus Bachmann, Financial Advisor

Opening Prayer

· Michelle speaks in tongues for 45 minutes
· Mass confusion when it turns out Michelle was talking policy ideas for previous 45 minutes, not speaking in tongues

Iowa

· After disappointing finish, campaign manager suggests ending nomination bid
· Michelle looks like she’s going to cry and Marcus suggests having a “girls night in” where they just watch a bad romantic comedies and eat Ben and Jerry’s

Concession speech

· Bachmann agrees that she should concede and that she will no longer pursue the nomination, calls TLC to ask if they’d be interested in doing a show called “Bachmann’s Minnessota.”
· TLC declines but A&E is tempted to put it in between “Storage Wars: Texas” and “Intervention”





Jon Huntsman
No meeting, Huntsman totally forgot Caucuses were this week.

Biggest Douchebags of 2011

We’re a terrible species that does terrible things to each other. Some people might say it’s the devil at work, other’s might say it’s part of the human condition since we are the only species that is able to contemplate its own existence and therefore its own death yet we have no real control over the matter so we externalize our anxieties onto others in the form of negative actions. Only God really knows.

What we can all agree on is that there were a lot of people being douchebags this year, and I’ve come up with a list of the douchiest of them all. This list is not for people who are committing real acts of evil like presiding over ethnic cleansing or gay marriages, this is for people who should know better but have just been dicks this year.

Sports Douchebag of the year
The Penn State football program

Yes, it takes more than just a little bit of a douchebag to cover up child rape for more than a decade. I am completely aware of that. They don’t win the award for the cover-up itself, they win the award for their reaction to getting busted for covering up child rape for more than a decade.

The entire program, including Joe Paterno, treated a child sex abuse scandal within their organization with all the fervor that the Pakistani government had in the search for Bin Laden and then was shocked when people outside Happy Valley wanted heads to roll. And then when Joe Paterno was finally fired—for helping to cover up child rape—student rioted.

They flipped a news van in anger for because they thought it was the media’s fault for blowing the whole “kid getting raped in a shower” thing out of proportion. That god-damn, anti child-rape media and their gotcha-covering-up-for-a-pedophile reporting. When will it end?

The first game after the scandal, the team reportedly wanted to win so that they could bring a game ball to Coach Paterno’s house. Instead, they lost, so I assume they just went with plan B and found a child abuse victim and took turns slapping him across the face.

Honorable mention: NFL/NBA players unions and owners for the lockouts—Seriously, we were so close to ONLY having hockey, you guys. Not cool.


Political Douchebag of the Year
The GOP Primary Voter

Two things: One is I realize I’m giving it to a group again instead of an individual and it’s kind of a cop-out, but if Time can give “The Protestor” the person of the year then all bets are off. Second, the primary voters didn’t even get to really vote in 2011 and they make the list. That’s astonishing.

To be fair to the GOP Primary Voter, there were a lot of chances for you to make a fool out of yourself. The networks figured out that debates were big money makers so they were force-feeding them to us like they were a Tyler Perry show for white people. It even got to the point where Donald Trump was going to host one, but even the guy who took twenty years to paint over a rock on his property that said “Niggerhead” realized that was probably a bad idea.

Still, the GOP Primary Voter had a few “unforced errors” at the debates. YouTube sponsored a debate and a gay soldier asked the candidates their feelings about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, to which some audience members booed, and none of them asked those booing to shut the fuck up and respect the guy who is fighting in the war they all supported. At one debate, the biggest applause line was not about an economic policy or how to confront the war on terror, but Rick Perry bragging about how Texas has executed the most people in the country since he took over as governor.

Fuck you. I have no joke for that. Just fuck you.

The biggest reason that the GOP Primary Voter is the political douchebag of the year is that they won’t vote for Mitt Romney. As a liberal, Mitt Romney is the only guy I think would really be favored against Obama in the general election, but the primary voters won’t vote for him because he’s a Mormon. If Romney were Catholic or Protestant he would be up by 20 points right now, but instead the GOP Primary Voter is seriously talking itself into thinking that Newt Gingrich could or even should be president of the United States of America.

Anyone who ends up voting for Newt Gingrich in an official election should have to use the “buddy system” whenever they’re out in public from now on, because they cannot be trusted as an adult anymore.


Honorable Mention: John Boehner--Just for presiding over the Tea Party congress


Business Douchebag of the Year
Lowe’s

I was really tempted to give this to anyone who has ever worked at Men’s Warehouse just on principle, but I decided that the fine folks over at Lowe’s Home-Improvement Warehouse have really dug deep this year and earned it. A could weeks ago, the hey-we’re-not-Home-Depot store decided to pull advertising from the TLC show “All American Muslim,” a reality show which follows five Muslim families living in the United States, plotting jihad against the infidels.

Okay, actually they’re just normal families, but that didn’t stop Lowe’s from pulling the advertising after (racist) advocacy groups said they would boycott companies that purchased ads during the program. The show follows a group of Muslim-American families as they go about their daily lives, which is exactly what the problem is. Apparently, the most dangerous thing about these sneaky terrorists is when they try to convince us that they’re just as uninteresting as the Kardashians.

Lowe’s claims that they aren’t “trying to alienate” anyone and that they were just listening to multiple voiced concerns over where they were placing ad-buys. This was a better-crafted message from the PR department than the original statement from the CEO of “honestly, we can’t tell the difference between the migrant workers and the terrorists so it just makes it much easier to exclude them all.”

Honorable mention: Banks—For continuing to do what they were doing, which I have no idea what that was, but have been told by most that it’s very, very bad.


Entertainment Douchebag of the Year
Louis CK

Seriously, you cannot make amazing material every year. You have to stop. Just have an off year. Just one. Go for it. It’s totally liberating.