GOP Candidates' Post-Iowa Meeting Minutes

I received a copy of the minutes from all the major GOP candidates’ morning meeting following last night’s Iowa caucuses.


Mitt Romney
Location: Ritz Carlton conference room
In Attendance: Romney, campaign manager, communications director, field director, media consultant
Meeting time: 8am

· Opening prayer: Mitt thanks the Lord Almighty for blessing him and his team with the strength to pull out a hard-fought victory in Iowa against a strong field that would all make better presidents than Barack Obama
· Campaign manager reminds Mitt that he’s among friends and that he can drop the bullshit
· Mitt thanks Joseph Smith for the pleasure of watching Newt Gingrich go down in flames

Plan for New Hampshire

· Mitt to leave right after meeting, will stop in at a maple syrup manufacturing plant or whatever it is these New Hampshire people make to discuss his jobs plan
· Campaign Manager reminds team not to schedule any stops at plants where Mitt went in and fired everyone when he worked in the private sector
· It should be an easy win, but margin of victory is important
· Media consultant asks if he can run more negative Newt Gingrich ads. Not because they’re worried about him winning, but just because it was so much fun
· Mitt chips in $100,000 of his own money for the cause

Santorum

· Everyone giggles but Mitt at the mention of the word
· Campaign must show that the former PA senator is unelectable in a general election
· Mitt suggests simply showing that the last time he ran in a general election, he lost by 20 points in Pennsylvania, an important swing state
· Campaign manager reminds team that polls show that this data actually improves his standing within the Tea Party for some reason
· Media consultant suggests they just let Santorum keep talking, possibly even schedule some interviews for him with major news outlets to help voters come to conclusion on their own

End of meeting: 8:30am








Rick Santorum
In attendance: Rick Santorum, Santorum’s wife and children, Pastor, Campaign Manager
Location: Church
Meeting start time: 6am

· Opening prayer service
· Pastor leads three hour service that campaign manager eventually asks to be cut short because they have to discuss business
· Pastor warns that if they can’t finish the service, that gays will start forcibly marrying straights by lunchtime

Iowa recap

· Campaign manager discusses what worked, what didn’t in Iowa
· Santorum family discusses times they prayed hard and times they probably didn’t pray hard enough

New Hampshire

· Campaign manager insists that communications director be allowed in to discuss press strategy, but Santorum said that he interferes with his direct line to God
· Santorum children sacrifice an un-baptized child at the altar as an offering to God so that their father may win more delegates in New Hampshire

End of meeting: 1pm






RON PAUL
No meeting. RON PAUL believes that the free market should decide when he gets to New Hampshire, not some campaign bureaucrat.






Newt Gingrich
Location of meeting: Newt’s hotel room
People in attendance: Newt Gingrich

Mitt Romney

· DESTROY MITT ROMNEY

New Hampshire

· Get to New Hampshire before Mitt Romney so that when Mitt Romney lands you can throw eggs at his stupid face
· Talk with media and finance team about getting a payday loan to run ads DESTROY MITT ROMNEY






Rick Perry
Meeting Location: Nothing with a racist name or anything
In attendance: Rick Perry, Campaign manager

· Opening prayer cancelled in lieu of taking 5 minutes to defecate on pictures of Mitt Romney followed by 12 minutes of smirking in the mirror

Poll numbers

· Campaign manager admits there is no longer a path to victory and that it would be wise to end campaign

Concession speech

· Rick will give concession speech from Texas with a crowd of supporters and be gracious towards everyone except Mitt Romney
· To lift the spirits of Rick and his supporters, following his concession speech, he will hold public executions on seven straight nights






Michelle Bachmann
Meeting location: Marcus’ shrine to Brad Pitt
People in attendance: Michelle Bachmann, Campaign Manager, Marcus Bachmann, Financial Advisor

Opening Prayer

· Michelle speaks in tongues for 45 minutes
· Mass confusion when it turns out Michelle was talking policy ideas for previous 45 minutes, not speaking in tongues

Iowa

· After disappointing finish, campaign manager suggests ending nomination bid
· Michelle looks like she’s going to cry and Marcus suggests having a “girls night in” where they just watch a bad romantic comedies and eat Ben and Jerry’s

Concession speech

· Bachmann agrees that she should concede and that she will no longer pursue the nomination, calls TLC to ask if they’d be interested in doing a show called “Bachmann’s Minnessota.”
· TLC declines but A&E is tempted to put it in between “Storage Wars: Texas” and “Intervention”





Jon Huntsman
No meeting, Huntsman totally forgot Caucuses were this week.

30 Sketches in 30 Days--Day 2 "Michelle Bachmann was Right About God"

INT. HEAVEN

God sits at a fancy desk sorting through newspapers and
looking more and more disgusted with each article he reads.

GOD
After 6,000 years, why is it that
Michelle Bachmann is the only one
on this planet that actually gets
me?

ST. PETER
I don't know, Lord. Perhaps the
whole "working in mysterious ways"
thing wasn't the best tactic for
getting your point across.

GOD
Mysterious my ass. I've been
incredibly clear with what I want:
No abortion, don't let gays get
married and for fucks sake keep
marginal tax rate low on the
wealthiest Americans!

ST. PETER
Of course, Lord. But don't you
think it would be good to do
something about the famine and
disease outbreak in Africa?

GOD
Are you even paying attention? Did
you even read the last budget this
congress passed?

ST. PETER
No, Lord, I did not.

GOD
$1.5 Million dollars for a museum
to honor a banjo player! Are you
shitting me?

ST. PETER
Of course, Lord, it's very
upsetting. But malaria is killing
a million people a year in Africa.

GOD
Listen, Pete. New York just
started allowing gay marriage. I
don't have time for your "save the
children" bullshit right now.

ST. PETER
Well maybe you should try to send a
message of some sort.

GOD
Another one? Did you see what I
did to Joplin? I fucked their shit
up. If that isn't a clear message
that I'm against gay marriage, then
I'm not the almighty ruler of the
universe.

St. Peter's blackberry goes off. He looks at it for a moment
then returns to his conversation with God.

ST. PETER
We just got some prayers from some
military families to help bring
their sons and daughters home
safely. You might want to handle
this.

GOD
Holy fuck, Pete. You really think
I can deal with that right now? I
have 15,000 prayers to help
confused teens keep their gay
feelings at bay that are clogging
up my priority bin. Maybe if the
Spendocrats on the hill would have
spent less money on their welfare
programs and more money on arming
the troops then these families
wouldn't need my help.

ST. PETER
Well I think that would actually
have increased the debt a little
bit more than--

GOD
(Cutting St. Peter off)
If they had just kept taxes low on
businesses then they would be able
to hire more people and that would
increase the tax base so that the
country could help pay off their
debt.

God looks at his newspapers again and seems to get more and
more frustrated.

GOD (CONT'D)
Are you serious? They're trying to
bring back the fairness doctrine.
Fuck this, I'm sending another
earthquake.

END