I received a copy of the minutes from all the major GOP candidates’ morning meeting following last night’s Iowa caucuses.
Mitt Romney
Location: Ritz Carlton conference room
In Attendance: Romney, campaign manager, communications director, field director, media consultant
Meeting time: 8am
· Opening prayer: Mitt thanks the Lord Almighty for blessing him and his team with the strength to pull out a hard-fought victory in Iowa against a strong field that would all make better presidents than Barack Obama
· Campaign manager reminds Mitt that he’s among friends and that he can drop the bullshit
· Mitt thanks Joseph Smith for the pleasure of watching Newt Gingrich go down in flames
Plan for New Hampshire
· Mitt to leave right after meeting, will stop in at a maple syrup manufacturing plant or whatever it is these New Hampshire people make to discuss his jobs plan
· Campaign Manager reminds team not to schedule any stops at plants where Mitt went in and fired everyone when he worked in the private sector
· It should be an easy win, but margin of victory is important
· Media consultant asks if he can run more negative Newt Gingrich ads. Not because they’re worried about him winning, but just because it was so much fun
· Mitt chips in $100,000 of his own money for the cause
Santorum
· Everyone giggles but Mitt at the mention of the word
· Campaign must show that the former PA senator is unelectable in a general election
· Mitt suggests simply showing that the last time he ran in a general election, he lost by 20 points in Pennsylvania, an important swing state
· Campaign manager reminds team that polls show that this data actually improves his standing within the Tea Party for some reason
· Media consultant suggests they just let Santorum keep talking, possibly even schedule some interviews for him with major news outlets to help voters come to conclusion on their own
End of meeting: 8:30am
Rick Santorum
In attendance: Rick Santorum, Santorum’s wife and children, Pastor, Campaign Manager
Location: Church
Meeting start time: 6am
· Opening prayer service
· Pastor leads three hour service that campaign manager eventually asks to be cut short because they have to discuss business
· Pastor warns that if they can’t finish the service, that gays will start forcibly marrying straights by lunchtime
Iowa recap
· Campaign manager discusses what worked, what didn’t in Iowa
· Santorum family discusses times they prayed hard and times they probably didn’t pray hard enough
New Hampshire
· Campaign manager insists that communications director be allowed in to discuss press strategy, but Santorum said that he interferes with his direct line to God
· Santorum children sacrifice an un-baptized child at the altar as an offering to God so that their father may win more delegates in New Hampshire
End of meeting: 1pm
RON PAUL
No meeting. RON PAUL believes that the free market should decide when he gets to New Hampshire, not some campaign bureaucrat.
Newt Gingrich
Location of meeting: Newt’s hotel room
People in attendance: Newt Gingrich
Mitt Romney
· DESTROY MITT ROMNEY
New Hampshire
· Get to New Hampshire before Mitt Romney so that when Mitt Romney lands you can throw eggs at his stupid face
· Talk with media and finance team about getting a payday loan to run ads DESTROY MITT ROMNEY
Rick Perry
Meeting Location: Nothing with a racist name or anything
In attendance: Rick Perry, Campaign manager
· Opening prayer cancelled in lieu of taking 5 minutes to defecate on pictures of Mitt Romney followed by 12 minutes of smirking in the mirror
Poll numbers
· Campaign manager admits there is no longer a path to victory and that it would be wise to end campaign
Concession speech
· Rick will give concession speech from Texas with a crowd of supporters and be gracious towards everyone except Mitt Romney
· To lift the spirits of Rick and his supporters, following his concession speech, he will hold public executions on seven straight nights
Michelle Bachmann
Meeting location: Marcus’ shrine to Brad Pitt
People in attendance: Michelle Bachmann, Campaign Manager, Marcus Bachmann, Financial Advisor
Opening Prayer
· Michelle speaks in tongues for 45 minutes
· Mass confusion when it turns out Michelle was talking policy ideas for previous 45 minutes, not speaking in tongues
Iowa
· After disappointing finish, campaign manager suggests ending nomination bid
· Michelle looks like she’s going to cry and Marcus suggests having a “girls night in” where they just watch a bad romantic comedies and eat Ben and Jerry’s
Concession speech
· Bachmann agrees that she should concede and that she will no longer pursue the nomination, calls TLC to ask if they’d be interested in doing a show called “Bachmann’s Minnessota.”
· TLC declines but A&E is tempted to put it in between “Storage Wars: Texas” and “Intervention”
Jon Huntsman
No meeting, Huntsman totally forgot Caucuses were this week.
Showing posts with label Romney. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Romney. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
2012: Armageddon Doesn't Sound So Bad
With just a mere 17 months until Election day 2012, the GOP Presidential nominees have already had one debate and are starting to jockey for position to take on President Obama. So who are these candidates and what are their chances?
Mitt Romney
The former businessman, Massachusetts governor and Old Navy display mannequin is banking on the idea that the economy is going to continue to be in the tank between now and election day. He has experience running for president, which is good for some reason.
How he could win:
Unemployment continues to stay close to 10%, the housing market falls into a double dip recession and Dow plunges back under 10,000, freaking out the GOP primary voters enough to hold their nose and vote for a Mormon. Once in the general election, he plays up his moderate side to win over independent voters in Ohio, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina and beats Obama.
How he could lose:
Gay marriage becomes law in New York and new provisions of Obamacare come into effect and rest of the GOP candidates successfully turn him simply link him to Obama and he becomes “just another Massachusetts liberal” before the first primary vote.
Sarah Palin
She hasn’t said whether or not she’s running, but that’s mostly because she hasn’t figured out a way to turn her campaign into a reality show called “Running with Sarah.”
How she could win:
She is a full-fledged superstar in the GOP and especially the within the Tea Party and among people who aren’t really sure what happened in history but like it when people pretend like they do. Polls show that the voters are dissatisfied with the current field, so she could show up fashionably late to the party and pick up a bunch of undecided votes before they realize she actually has to have three head-to-head debates with Obama.
How she could lose:
If you don’t love Palin, you hate her. She’s like vegemite that talks about things it doesn’t understand and then quits halfway through its term. She also is making about $650 billion a day right now, so there’s a good chance she just won’t run since it probably will only hurt her ability to make money and be an outsider who just makes comments.
Newt Gingrich
The former Speaker and current talking head is still technically in this race despite losing most of his to
p advisors and fundraisers just a couple weeks into his campaign.
How he could win:
It would have to be a Marshall Football team situation with all of the GOP candidates and then on Election Day eve we would have to find out Obama is actually from Kenya.
How he could lose:
He would take a two week vacation right after starting his campaign, pissing off his staffers and causing most of them to quit and eventually leading to a mass exodus of fundraisers. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t think up anything better than what he already did)
Rick Santorum
The former Senator from Pennsylvania and anti man-on-dog marriage enthusiast has gotten bored doing whatever it is that he’s doing and wants to get back into politics.
How he could win:
Gay marriage passes in New York and then is brought up in other states making in the number one issue. As the far right investigates the gay agenda they discover that it was actually the homosexuals who were behind 9/11. Santorum puts Ron Paul on his ticket to get religious nuts and fiscal nuts out to the polls they win every state except California and Massachusetts.
How he could lose:
As long as sometime between now and 2012 we don’t start referring to “The Gays” the way they refer to the aliens on “Falling Skies,” he’s going to lose.
Tim Pawlenty
The former Minnesota Governor is best known for, um, for, uh, his name coming up a lot during the Al Franken senate recount in 2008.
How he could win:
Imagine if you will: Your average GOP primary voter walks into the booth and stares at his options. He f
ears that Bachman, Paul and Santorum are too crazy to win in a general election and Romney is too liberal (And too Mormon-y). And he’s no racist, but he can’t bring himself to vote for Herman Cain because the idea of having the presidency come down to TWO black guys just doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe he should just not vote for anyone and walk out of the voting booth. But wait, what’s this? Tim Pawlenty? Sounds like just the kind of not-crazy-not-Mormon-not-black kind of candidate he’s looking for.
How he could lose:
Has anyone been watching politics over the last couple of years? The GOP voters are not looking for boring right now. He’d do great in 1992, though.
Michele Bachmann
The founder of the Tea Party Caucus in congress, Bachmann has made the national debt the number one issue since 2009. It’s probably in her “interests” section in her Facebook profile.
How she could win:
We would have to find out that the national debt is much worse than we thought. I don’t mean that the number is higher; I mean that national debt has sex slaves, a stash of child pornography and sold nuclear secrets to Iran.
How she could lose:
Just keep showing up to debates.
Herman Cain
The pizza chain CEO and Tea Party activist is known for being anti-healthcare reform, anti-Sharia law, and a
n example for Tea Party activists to use to prove they aren’t racist.
How he could win:
He has plenty of conservative credentials and no actual political experience, which if you have been following a long the last few years is a good thing now. He’s a pretty good speaker, charismatic and black. He’s everything the right hates about Obama except the political views, and they just might vote for him.
How he could lose:
Instead of talking about jobs he’s talking about Sharia law and making bills less than three pages long. Oh, and I’m not saying his skin told will hold him back, but I think there could be some racist people voting and there are white guys on the ticket, so we’ll see how that goes for him.
Ron Paul
So adorable.
How he could win:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
How he could lose:
See: 1988, 2008.
Mitt Romney
The former businessman, Massachusetts governor and Old Navy display mannequin is banking on the idea that the economy is going to continue to be in the tank between now and election day. He has experience running for president, which is good for some reason.
How he could win:
Unemployment continues to stay close to 10%, the housing market falls into a double dip recession and Dow plunges back under 10,000, freaking out the GOP primary voters enough to hold their nose and vote for a Mormon. Once in the general election, he plays up his moderate side to win over independent voters in Ohio, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina and beats Obama.
How he could lose:
Gay marriage becomes law in New York and new provisions of Obamacare come into effect and rest of the GOP candidates successfully turn him simply link him to Obama and he becomes “just another Massachusetts liberal” before the first primary vote.
Sarah Palin
She hasn’t said whether or not she’s running, but that’s mostly because she hasn’t figured out a way to turn her campaign into a reality show called “Running with Sarah.”
How she could win:
She is a full-fledged superstar in the GOP and especially the within the Tea Party and among people who aren’t really sure what happened in history but like it when people pretend like they do. Polls show that the voters are dissatisfied with the current field, so she could show up fashionably late to the party and pick up a bunch of undecided votes before they realize she actually has to have three head-to-head debates with Obama.
How she could lose:
If you don’t love Palin, you hate her. She’s like vegemite that talks about things it doesn’t understand and then quits halfway through its term. She also is making about $650 billion a day right now, so there’s a good chance she just won’t run since it probably will only hurt her ability to make money and be an outsider who just makes comments.
Newt Gingrich
The former Speaker and current talking head is still technically in this race despite losing most of his to
p advisors and fundraisers just a couple weeks into his campaign.How he could win:
It would have to be a Marshall Football team situation with all of the GOP candidates and then on Election Day eve we would have to find out Obama is actually from Kenya.
How he could lose:
He would take a two week vacation right after starting his campaign, pissing off his staffers and causing most of them to quit and eventually leading to a mass exodus of fundraisers. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t think up anything better than what he already did)
Rick Santorum
The former Senator from Pennsylvania and anti man-on-dog marriage enthusiast has gotten bored doing whatever it is that he’s doing and wants to get back into politics.
How he could win:
Gay marriage passes in New York and then is brought up in other states making in the number one issue. As the far right investigates the gay agenda they discover that it was actually the homosexuals who were behind 9/11. Santorum puts Ron Paul on his ticket to get religious nuts and fiscal nuts out to the polls they win every state except California and Massachusetts.
How he could lose:
As long as sometime between now and 2012 we don’t start referring to “The Gays” the way they refer to the aliens on “Falling Skies,” he’s going to lose.
Tim Pawlenty
The former Minnesota Governor is best known for, um, for, uh, his name coming up a lot during the Al Franken senate recount in 2008.
How he could win:
Imagine if you will: Your average GOP primary voter walks into the booth and stares at his options. He f
ears that Bachman, Paul and Santorum are too crazy to win in a general election and Romney is too liberal (And too Mormon-y). And he’s no racist, but he can’t bring himself to vote for Herman Cain because the idea of having the presidency come down to TWO black guys just doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe he should just not vote for anyone and walk out of the voting booth. But wait, what’s this? Tim Pawlenty? Sounds like just the kind of not-crazy-not-Mormon-not-black kind of candidate he’s looking for.How he could lose:
Has anyone been watching politics over the last couple of years? The GOP voters are not looking for boring right now. He’d do great in 1992, though.
Michele Bachmann
The founder of the Tea Party Caucus in congress, Bachmann has made the national debt the number one issue since 2009. It’s probably in her “interests” section in her Facebook profile.
How she could win:
We would have to find out that the national debt is much worse than we thought. I don’t mean that the number is higher; I mean that national debt has sex slaves, a stash of child pornography and sold nuclear secrets to Iran.
How she could lose:
Just keep showing up to debates.
Herman Cain
The pizza chain CEO and Tea Party activist is known for being anti-healthcare reform, anti-Sharia law, and a
n example for Tea Party activists to use to prove they aren’t racist.How he could win:
He has plenty of conservative credentials and no actual political experience, which if you have been following a long the last few years is a good thing now. He’s a pretty good speaker, charismatic and black. He’s everything the right hates about Obama except the political views, and they just might vote for him.
How he could lose:
Instead of talking about jobs he’s talking about Sharia law and making bills less than three pages long. Oh, and I’m not saying his skin told will hold him back, but I think there could be some racist people voting and there are white guys on the ticket, so we’ll see how that goes for him.
Ron Paul
So adorable.
How he could win:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
How he could lose:
See: 1988, 2008.
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