I like happy endings in movies. I know they’re hokey, I know it causes me to suspend my disbelief that we would actually be able to defeat the alien forces or that love really does conquer all, but that’s why I go to the movies in the first place. If I wanted to watch something that made me feel sad, I’d just stay at home and watch A&E.
The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.
(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)
Law Abiding Citizen
How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.
Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.
The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.
Judge
You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.
Rice
Yes, your honor
Judge
I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?
Rice
Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—
Judge
Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?
Rice
Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?
Judge
A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.
Rice
I did not think of that.
Judge
Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.
(Roll credits)
The Matrix: Revolutions
How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)
Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.
The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.
Morpheus
So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world
Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?
Morpheus
It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul
Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med
Morpheus
Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—
Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.
Morpheus
The war is over, we already won
Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?
Morpheus
(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us
(Awkward silence among the entire group)
The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.
(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)
Law Abiding Citizen
How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.
Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.
The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.
Judge
You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.
Rice
Yes, your honor
Judge
I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?
Rice
Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—
Judge
Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?
Rice
Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?
Judge
A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.
Rice
I did not think of that.
Judge
Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.
(Roll credits)
The Matrix: Revolutions
How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)
Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.
The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.
Morpheus
So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world
Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?
Morpheus
It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul
Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med
Morpheus
Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—
Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.
Morpheus
The war is over, we already won
Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?
Morpheus
(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us
(Awkward silence among the entire group)
Man 2
Is it too late to get one of those blue pills?
(Roll Credits)
Rounders
How We Saw it End
Mike defeats Teddy KGB in back-to-back heads-up poker games to pay off the debt and win back most of his bankroll that Teddy had taken from him in the first scene in the movie. Having outplayed his nemesis and built up a bankroll of $30,000, Mike decides to go to Las Vegas for the World Series of Poker and likely to try to become a professional poker player. We see him get in a cab and head towards the airport.
The Scene After That
Int. Security Line at the Airport
Mike is waiting for his bag on the other side of the X-ray machine. He looks at his watch and realizes that he does not have much time left to catch is plane to Vegas and is growing impatient as his bag is taking longer than usual. Multiple guards come over to look at the screen, eventually a supervisor is brought over.
TSA Agent
Sir, is this your bag?
Mike
Um, yeah. Is there a problem?
TSA Agent
Come with me, sir
Mike and the agent go into a back room with the bag. The agent opens the bag and pulls out $30,000 in cash and just looks at Mike.
TSA Agent
And what are you doing with this?
Mike
(Laughing)
Oh, it’s okay, I’m a poker player. I’m going to Las Vegas.
TSA Agent
So you won all this money in the casinos?
Mike
Uh, yeah. All at the casinos
TSA Agent
So you have proof of that, right? Something to show that this isn’t dirty money.
Mike
I do not.
TSA Agent
(Into walky talky)
We’re gonna need an IRS agent and DEA agent down here to do a full work-up on a mysterious bundle of cash.
(Roll Credits)
Independence Day
How We Saw it End
David and Captain Hiller successfully implant the virus in the mothership, giving the fighters on earth a chance to bring down the ships. They finally figure out that the way to bring down the ships is to fly Randy Quade into their primary weapon. We see the ships coming down all over the world and the Hiller and David make it back to earth just in time to keep the promises they made to their loved ones before the aliens came to show that they not only can they save the world, but they can grow as people.
The Scene After That
Ext. Desert outside of Area 51
President Whitmore talks with David and Hiller about how they was able to defeat the aliens as one of the giant ships burns in the background. People celebrate all around them.
President Whitmore
Gentlmen, great work. You saved the planet.
Hiller
It was an honor sir. Now I don’t mean to be too forward, but do you think this might get me bumped to the front of the list for getting into the NASA program?
President Whitmore
Unfortunately Houston was destroyed when I ordered a nuclear attack on one of the ships while it was there.
David
Well that’s understandable sir, but I’m sure we could just move the command center. In fact, I’d love to help you rebuild it.
President Whitmore
That’s very kind of you, but the attacker ships destroyed every major city in the country. The largest city left in the United States is Lincoln, Nebraska, and honestly, the nation’s infrastructure has just been destroyed, I’m still trying to figure out how to get food to people who live more than three miles from a self-sustaining farm, I don’t think we’re ready to rebuild the space program.
Hiller
Well I’m sure I won’t have to pay taxes at least, am I right?
President Whitmore
Well there’s no more banking system, and currency is probably more useful as a means to keep a warm fire going than anything else right now.
David
Well, jeez Mr. President, things seem pretty dire. Is there anything we can do to help?
President Whitmore
Just try not to resort to cannibalism until you have exhausted all other options.
(Roll credits)
