Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Biggest Douchebags of 2011

We’re a terrible species that does terrible things to each other. Some people might say it’s the devil at work, other’s might say it’s part of the human condition since we are the only species that is able to contemplate its own existence and therefore its own death yet we have no real control over the matter so we externalize our anxieties onto others in the form of negative actions. Only God really knows.

What we can all agree on is that there were a lot of people being douchebags this year, and I’ve come up with a list of the douchiest of them all. This list is not for people who are committing real acts of evil like presiding over ethnic cleansing or gay marriages, this is for people who should know better but have just been dicks this year.

Sports Douchebag of the year
The Penn State football program

Yes, it takes more than just a little bit of a douchebag to cover up child rape for more than a decade. I am completely aware of that. They don’t win the award for the cover-up itself, they win the award for their reaction to getting busted for covering up child rape for more than a decade.

The entire program, including Joe Paterno, treated a child sex abuse scandal within their organization with all the fervor that the Pakistani government had in the search for Bin Laden and then was shocked when people outside Happy Valley wanted heads to roll. And then when Joe Paterno was finally fired—for helping to cover up child rape—student rioted.

They flipped a news van in anger for because they thought it was the media’s fault for blowing the whole “kid getting raped in a shower” thing out of proportion. That god-damn, anti child-rape media and their gotcha-covering-up-for-a-pedophile reporting. When will it end?

The first game after the scandal, the team reportedly wanted to win so that they could bring a game ball to Coach Paterno’s house. Instead, they lost, so I assume they just went with plan B and found a child abuse victim and took turns slapping him across the face.

Honorable mention: NFL/NBA players unions and owners for the lockouts—Seriously, we were so close to ONLY having hockey, you guys. Not cool.

Political Douchebag of the Year
The GOP Primary Voter

Two things: One is I realize I’m giving it to a group again instead of an individual and it’s kind of a cop-out, but if Time can give “The Protestor” the person of the year then all bets are off. Second, the primary voters didn’t even get to really vote in 2011 and they make the list. That’s astonishing.

To be fair to the GOP Primary Voter, there were a lot of chances for you to make a fool out of yourself. The networks figured out that debates were big money makers so they were force-feeding them to us like they were a Tyler Perry show for white people. It even got to the point where Donald Trump was going to host one, but even the guy who took twenty years to paint over a rock on his property that said “Niggerhead” realized that was probably a bad idea.

Still, the GOP Primary Voter had a few “unforced errors” at the debates. YouTube sponsored a debate and a gay soldier asked the candidates their feelings about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, to which some audience members booed, and none of them asked those booing to shut the fuck up and respect the guy who is fighting in the war they all supported. At one debate, the biggest applause line was not about an economic policy or how to confront the war on terror, but Rick Perry bragging about how Texas has executed the most people in the country since he took over as governor.

Fuck you. I have no joke for that. Just fuck you.

The biggest reason that the GOP Primary Voter is the political douchebag of the year is that they won’t vote for Mitt Romney. As a liberal, Mitt Romney is the only guy I think would really be favored against Obama in the general election, but the primary voters won’t vote for him because he’s a Mormon. If Romney were Catholic or Protestant he would be up by 20 points right now, but instead the GOP Primary Voter is seriously talking itself into thinking that Newt Gingrich could or even should be president of the United States of America.

Anyone who ends up voting for Newt Gingrich in an official election should have to use the “buddy system” whenever they’re out in public from now on, because they cannot be trusted as an adult anymore.

Honorable Mention: John Boehner--Just for presiding over the Tea Party congress

Business Douchebag of the Year

I was really tempted to give this to anyone who has ever worked at Men’s Warehouse just on principle, but I decided that the fine folks over at Lowe’s Home-Improvement Warehouse have really dug deep this year and earned it. A could weeks ago, the hey-we’re-not-Home-Depot store decided to pull advertising from the TLC show “All American Muslim,” a reality show which follows five Muslim families living in the United States, plotting jihad against the infidels.

Okay, actually they’re just normal families, but that didn’t stop Lowe’s from pulling the advertising after (racist) advocacy groups said they would boycott companies that purchased ads during the program. The show follows a group of Muslim-American families as they go about their daily lives, which is exactly what the problem is. Apparently, the most dangerous thing about these sneaky terrorists is when they try to convince us that they’re just as uninteresting as the Kardashians.

Lowe’s claims that they aren’t “trying to alienate” anyone and that they were just listening to multiple voiced concerns over where they were placing ad-buys. This was a better-crafted message from the PR department than the original statement from the CEO of “honestly, we can’t tell the difference between the migrant workers and the terrorists so it just makes it much easier to exclude them all.”

Honorable mention: Banks—For continuing to do what they were doing, which I have no idea what that was, but have been told by most that it’s very, very bad.

Entertainment Douchebag of the Year
Louis CK

Seriously, you cannot make amazing material every year. You have to stop. Just have an off year. Just one. Go for it. It’s totally liberating.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dexter Season 7 Scene Leaked

Okay, so I have a friend who works as a staff writer for a hit TV show. I don't want to give it away, but it rhymes with "Schmidt Schmy Schmad Schmays." Anyway, he received a leaked copy of the season 7 script of "Dexter."



Dexter unlocks the door and lets a frantic Deb in. She still
cannot believe that her brother is a serial killer. She
paces furiously throughout the apartment, tears welling up in
her eyes, yelling obscenities that make no sense. Dexter
just closes the door behind him and tries to calm her down.

Fucking fuck, Dex! Are you fucking
serious? You're the Bay Harbor
Butcher? How the fuck? What the
fuck? Shit fuck!

Listen, Deb, I don't know what to
say, I just--

(Interrupting and getting
up in his face)
No, you don't get to fucking say
anything! I finally make it to
police lieutenant and then I find
out that my own brother is the Bay
Harbor fucking Butcher? How the
fuck am I supposed to explain that
to Laguerta? What happens if you
get caught, Dex? What happens
then? Did you even fucking think
about that? You could take down
the entire Morgan family in one
fucking moment by leaving a single
piece of DNA at a crime scene.

Dexter swallows hard, figruing out what to say next.

I feel like you're sending me mixed
messages here, Deb.

Mixed messages my fucking ass, Dex!
What the fuck are you talking

Well, you're giving me a hand job
right now.

Camera pulls back to reveal Deb's hand completely down
Dexter's pants. She realizes what she's been doing, stops,
and walks towards the kitchen.

I, uh, need a beer. You want one?


Deb goes to the fridge and grabs a couple beers. She comes
back and hands one of them to Dex then returns to the kitchen
area and sits down on a chair. Dexter sits on a couch on the
other side of the room. The each crack their beers with
their bare hands and take a deep breath.

So, have you always been a serial

Yeah, I guess so. Ever since my
mother died in that shipping
container I was "born in blood."

Fuck. Your brother, Brian, the Ice
Truck Killer? The guy who tried to
kill me?

He did it to get to me

Jesus fuck.

And Trinity as well. He killed
Rita because he knew I was on to
him. I stalked him for months and
he took my wife from me so I took
his life from him. And I was the

one who helped Jordan Chase's escaped

victim get revenge on the monsters who raped

and brutalized her. We spent
weeks tracking them down, finding
their weaknesses, then killing them
and leaving them in--Deb!

Dexter looks up to realize that Deb is fingering herself and
moaning. She pulls her hand out of her pants and straightens
up, smelling her fingers quickly before standing up and
getting back into cop mode.

Show me your murder weapons.

Dexter gets up and leads Deb to the bedroom and opens his
closet. He unlocks his trunk and opens it.

Motherfucker I keep my sex toys in
a trunk too.


Nothing. I just, nevermind.
Dexter, You're leaving me no choice

Deb pulls out a set of hand cuffs.

You don't have to do this Deb. I
can just disappear from the face of
the earth, save us both the

Just shut the fuck up Dex. I have
to do this. If I don't, I could
never live with myself knowing that
I let you slip away--

(Voiceover while Deb keeps
Just what I need, a lecture from my
sister while I'm getting arrested.
I had always imagined this moment,
but I always just thought she would
be crying, not talking on and on
and on. Jesus, this is so much

Deb puts the cuffs on one of Dexter's wrists and handcuffs
him to the bedpost. She pulls out another pair and hand
cuffs him to the other bedpost.

What the?

Deb proceeds to perform oral sex on Dexter.

Finally, some peace and quiet.


Monday, December 19, 2011

Obama's Casualties: 2011 Edition

Kim Jong Il Press Release

So I have a friend who works as a journalist in a state-run newspaper in North Korea and a risked his life to get me a copy of the official press release from the the government about Kim Jong Il's death. My friend may actually be dead already, he hasn't been returning my emails all day.

But don't that let stop your enjoyment while reading the press release.


December 18, 2011
Contact: We contact you, you don’t contact us
For Immediate Release


Pyongyang—Kim Jong Il, brave leader of the great North Korea, died yesterday by his own choice, willing his own heart to stop in his sleep just to prove to the Americans that he could. He was 70ish.

Jong Il, who has been named Time “Person of the Year” every year since 1997, is best known for bringing joy and happiness to the people of North Korea. In 1999, he made it illegal to frown, but it was merely a formality as no one had reason to do so. Ever.

“I loved him like I love my own father, probably even more,” every North Korean citizen said in unison upon hearing the news that their beloved leader had fallen. “This is very sad news.”

Jong Il, who could run a sub-3-minute mile, was the first leader to be elected by the people by completely unanimous vote in 1994 with 100 percent voter turnout. Even his opponents decided to vote for the dear leader, realizing that there could be no better option.

The dear leader, who has earned a master’s degree in every field, helped bring North Korea into the nuclear age. After his uranium enrichment plant was up and running, the entire UN gave him a standing ovation for being so bold.

When he was not causing the American economy to tank just by wishing it so, Kim Jong Il spent his time defending his people. Whenever the South Koreans would attack the great North Korea for no reason, Kim Jong Il insisted on flying a jet himself to defend his country. This is what gave Roland Emmerich the idea for Bill Pullman’s character in “Independence Day.”

Funeral services for the dear leader are expected to be held every day throughout 2012. Americans are expected to honor the dear leader by cutting down pine trees and putting them inside their houses.

After another unanimous vote, North Koreans decided the country will now be run by Kim Jong Un. We don’t really know much about him either.


Thursday, November 10, 2011

In Defense of the 1%

I was recently talking with my parents about how doing comedy is simultaneously the most terrifying and fun thing that I have ever done. A couple times a week I stand up in front of anywhere from 10 to 300 people and try to make them laugh. I love being on stage, I love getting to work with comedians that I have seen on TV and in movies, and I love having hilarious friends whose Facebook statuses do more than tell me where they just ate lunch. But what I really love is chasing after a goal that I know is nearly impossible to reach.

That’s the scary part. What if ten years from now I’m still just making the rounds at open mics, getting the occasional hosting spot at clubs and get stuck at 250 Twitter followers? What if no one knows my name and I sacrificed years I could have spent working on building a solid career pursuing some unattainable dream?

I’m not mentally stable enough to just “live in the moment” and enjoy the ride, I need to constantly be going after something bigger and better with the hopes that the next level will finally satiate that need for strangers to love me.

So what happens if I finally make it? Then what? I guess if I get a writing job on a TV show and get to start touring with the top comedians in the world, then I’m going to get bored with that and have to get my own TV show and headline comedy shows. After that I guess I’ll have to work on a movie or two and if they flop or only do so-so then I’ll have to finally write my masterpiece that is both a box-office success and so critically acclaimed that they name an award after it at Sundance.

My dream is comedy, but I know that’s not everyone’s dream. Some people want to be doctors or lawyers or traders on the New York Stock Exchange. They want to own their own business and become the next Warren Buffet or they want to come up with the cure for AIDS (Or retrieve it from the government labs where it’s under a double lock.). There’s a need in a lot of us to be not only really good at what you do, but to become the absolute best.

The problem is that in order to run the best business or become the best trader on Wall Street, you probably have to completely screw over a bunch of people to do it. You make your first million and then you need to make two, then five, and then you have to double that in a year. Even if that means giving yourself a disproportionate bonus to the work you did or doing whatever you can to put your competitors out of business. You do what you can to get to the top in your field and then you move on to the next one and try your hand at taking over a completely different sector of the economy.

There are plenty of millionaires in this country and there are plenty of funny comedians who never make it beyond the level I’ve reached. The real fun (Or neurotic need) is to go from being in that 1% to being the 1% of the 1%, and then to get even better. I’m sure there are even the people who are part of the Occupy movement want to be known as the guy who helped change the banking system through protest or the woman who did the most to fight for the working poor.

I’m not saying that this excuses all the golden parachutes or demanding tax cuts from the government to create jobs and then using the extra money to open a plant in a country with no labor laws so you can pay your new workers 14 cents an hour. I’m just saying that if the best way for me to become a successful comedian was to do whatever I could to make sure other comedians didn’t get to any gigs, there’s a decent chance that I would probably spend my Fridays slashing tires and stealing transit passes.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

A Few Quick Thoughts On Last Night's GOP Debate

1. The Republican Base is Insane—In a country drowning in debt with unemployment hovering close to double digits and two full-scale wars going on (Not to mention a couple of little baby wars we’re helping to finance), the biggest applause break came when Matt Laur mentioned to Governor Perry that Texas had the most executions of any state in the nation. They weren’t applauding that a moderator had the nerve to ask a difficult question, they were applauding how many times a guy who they think should run the country signed off on the government ending someone’s life.

The second biggest applause line? Newt Gingrich saying that we should make English the official language of the United States. Apparently this will help create jobs because after he passes that law he will have to hire millions of agents all over the country to erase, cover up, and delete anything written in Spanish.

2. Despite what he says, Governor Perry believes in global warming—Rick Perry spent a full minute trying to equate those who don’t believe in global warming to Galileo, who had the brilliance and the testicular fortitude to say what was unpopular with the status quo. He then followed this up by bragging about how much he has helped clean up the air pollution and greenhouse gasses in Texas.
So to recap: “Air pollution doesn’t do any harm to the environment, but check out how much of it I cleaned up.”

3. The hardest part about being Mitt Romney’s debate coach is breaking him of the habit of starting every sentence with “Look, these assholes have no idea what they’re talking about.”—I have no real proof of this, but he looks like I guy that would call everyone else an asshole. The sad part is that he’s right and he’s probably the only guy on that stage who would not be an embarrassment as POTUS but he will never make it out of the Republican Primary because 1) He’s a Mormon and 2) He told the Tea Party that he believes in most of what they’re talking about but he won’t fully commit to joining the movement which, to them, is the equivalent of telling them he just slept with their mothers and he made sure she didn’t climax.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

30 Sketches in 30 Days--#7 "Long Ride Home"

Obviously I had to dig deep and come up with a brand new character that is nothing like me for this one...


JAMES is driving home from work. He is a heavyset young guy
who has been working hard recently on losing weight but has
been struggling recently. He's trying to figure what to eat
for dinner tonight and we only hear his internal monologue as
he silently drives.

(All internal
monologue/voiceover, not
God I'm hungry. I really should
have eaten something substantial
for lunch or at least brought a
snack with me or something. Shit,
all I have at home is canned tuna
and I had fish for lunch so I don't
feel like eating that. I guess I
gotta pick something up, but it's
gotta be healthy. I've been
slipping on this diet, I can't get
back up to 300 pounds like I was.
I'll go to Subway and just get a
six inch turkey sub with mustard
instead of mayo. Yeah, that will
do. And maybe I'll get some chips.
No! No chips. Get the yogurt on
the side.

James takes a deep breath, comfortable with the decision he
has made.

(Still internal monologue)
Although I have been good all day
today and I did go for that walk
last night. So maybe I could do to
Burger King. Maybe just get the
grilled chicken sandwich with small
fries and a Diet Coke.

James ponders his decision again, now a little less sure.

(Still internal monologue)
No! I can't go to Burger King.
We're talking about my health here.
My doctor has already said that my
blood pressure was a little too
high and that if I continued down
this path it would lead to diabetes
and long term heart issues.
Plus I'm not getting any younger,
so the weight is only going to get
harder to lose, so I should just
try to build off the momentum that
I've had the last couple months. I
have to do this for my health, for
my future, I have to do this for

The camera zooms out and James looks around and realizes that
in the middle of his impassioned speech to himself he has
driven into the drive-thru at the Burger King.



30 Sketches in 30 Days--#6 "Critical Moment"


PRESIDENT DAVIS sits around a table with Secretary of
They are discussing a dire emergency facing the nation and
tensions are incredibly high.

So how much longer until the meteor
enters our atmosphere, doctor?

Four hours and 29 minutes, Mr.

Mr. President, the time is now. We
have to launch the nuclear warheads
at the meteor.

Mr. President, with all due
respect, if we hit it with a nuke
we are more likely to turn one
meteor into a thousand meteors. It
will be like a shotgun blast
instead of a single bullet.

I know this is a difficult
decision, Mr. President, but I
think we need to trust the
scientits on this one.

President Davies stands up and walks away from the table,
deep in thought for a few moments. The entire table goes
silent until Richard stands up and walks towards the

Mr. President. Our window is
closing. We need to make a

President Davies takes a deep breath and stares off into

When Linda was on her death bed, do
you know what her last words were
to me?

Mr. President, I'm not sure where
you're going with this.

She turned to me and said "Blow 'em
away, Nick." I think she was
trying to tell me what to do.

Mr. President, you have to go with
your heart. And trust me I know
something about having heart.

This time Richard disengages from the conversation and stares
off into space.

It was four years ago today that I
got that heart transplant from my
own son. He died from that car
crash but he lives on inside of me.

Richard stands stoically and a single tear runs down his
cheek. Dr. Fitzgerald stands up from the table, a little
annoyed by the fact that these men are taking time to talk
about their personal issues rather than deal with the task at

Listen, I know we all have family
issues but right now we need to
figure out how to deal with this
meteor that's flying towards our

You're right Dr. Fitzgerald. Let's
blast this rock.

The President and Richard sit back down at the table and get
back to work.

Where do we think the meteor is
going to hit, Doctor?

Right now we're projecting that it
is going to hit just outside of
Seattle, Washington. Anyone within
50 miles of Seattle will likely die
from the initial impact.

Seattle? My son is in Seattle.

Vice President McDonald gets up and walks away from the
table, his eyes glassing over as he goes deep into thought
just like the President and his chief of staff did a moment

Where is he going?

I haven't seen him since he
publicly supported our opponent in
the last election.

Last election? What the--why are
we talking about this? The blast
is going to cause enough dirt to go
up into the atmosphere that we
won't see the sun for half a
decade! We're all going to die
unless we sit down and figure out
what to do about this meteor!

Vice President McDonald gathers himself and turns back
towards the table and sits back down.

You're right. Let's blast this

(Pointing at the
He already said that. You know
what? Never mind. Let's just get
back to work.

Col. McManus stands up and starts staring off into space like
the previous three.

Back to work, huh? My wife and I
used to fight about when she should
go back to work after she had our

Dr. Fitzgerald can't believe this is happening again. He
rolls his eyes and spins around in his chair.

Are you shitting me? You're going
to get nostalgic about an argument
you had with your wife? There is a
rock the size of New York City
going five times the speed of a
bullet that is heading towards our
planet that could kill half the
people on this planet with in ten
years and all you guys are worried
about your personal problems?!

Everyone stops to look at Dr. Fitzgerald who is practically
frothing at the mouth in anger. There is an awkward silence
among all of them.

I met my wife in New York City


Tuesday, September 6, 2011

30 Sketches in 30 Days--#5 "Funny Guy at the Party"


DENNIS is smoking a cigarette after a show. PHIL, one of his
few friends who is not a comedian walks out and joins him for
a smoke.

Great set tonight man.

Thanks man. And thanks for coming
down tonight, it was awesome
getting a chance to see you. It's
been too long. We should grab some
night when I don't have a show.

Yeah man, that'd be cool.

Phil and Dennis stand their smoking in silence, not sure if
the conversation is over.

Hey, my roommate is having a party,
you should come by.

I dunno. I mean I'm kind of tired
and I don't really know any of
those guys.

C'mon man. It'll be fun. My
roommate's in med school so it's
not like it's going to be a crazy
party or anything, just a few
people hanging out with some good

I dunno, I just hate going to those
things because everyone wants to
tell me jokes or wants me to do
something funny.

I won't even tell anyone you're a
comedian. Plus the girls they
bring around are surprisingly hot.

Dennis kind of shrugs his shoulders and tries to think of a
reason not to go to the party.

Come on, man. I haven't seen you
in like two years. Just stay for a

Alright man. I'll come by for a
beer or two.



A large house party is going. It's basically like a frat
party but with people in their late 20s and early 30s.
People are playing beer pong, flip cup and a group of guys
are doing keg stands. Phil and Dennis walk in. Dennis
immediately regrets his decision to come to the party.
Dennis' roommate HANK drunkenly greets him at the door
holding a beer funnel and a can of Milwaukee's Best.

Phil! You gotta catch up!

Hank pours the beer into the funnel and hands it to Phil who
quickly downs the beer and then chest bumps Hank.

WOOOO! Hey, this is my boy Dennis
from college.

Wait. Is this the comedian?

Dennis sheepishly nods his head.

Oh shit! We got a famous comedian
at the party everybody!

Dennis tries to fake a smile while and a wave while the party
goers cheer the news.

Well I'm not famous or anything

Fuck that, man. I hear you opened
for Louis CK.

It was Louis Anderson.

Whatever man, let's get you a beer
go introduce you to some bitches.

Hank leads Dennis away. Dennis looks back at Phil the way a
kidegartner looks at his mommy when they drop them off at the
first day of school.


Dennis in a conversation with a couple girls. He looks very

So you're a comedian? I love Dane

And that guy with the puppets?
What's his name?

Jeff Dunham.

Yeah. You ever get to do any shows
with him? I bet he's hilarious off


Dennis in a conversation with another guy at the party.

I bet you have so many jokes about
that Anthony Weiner guy. I mean,
his name is Weiner! That's gotta
be a gift from the gods to


Dennis grabbing a beer from the refrigerator the same time as
another guy.

A beer in the hand is worth two in
the bush!


Feel free to use that in one of
your bits.

Uh, thanks.


Dennis steps outside for a smoke and is all alone until
another guy steps out to join him in a smoke.

Hey what's up man.


You're that comedian guy, right?

Dennis braces himself for another terrible conversation.

Yeah, that's me.

Cool man. You know Joe Fullman?
Usually performs in South Jersey.
I used to go to school with him.

Dennis perks up, happy that the guy seems somewhat sane and
actually has something to talk about.

Yeah, I've just did his room in
Marlton. Joe's a good guy. Funny,

Yeah man, he was gonna come tonight
but last time he was here everyone
just kept asking him stupid

That's why I'm out here.

They both laugh.

Yeah man I hate these guys. I'm
just here because my girlfriend is
friends with Hank's girlfriend.

You'd think these guys had never
met anyone who was doing something
other than trying to become a
doctor or lawyer.

Yeah, they suck. I know how from
Joe how much you guys hate all
those dumb questions or suggestions
for your act.


So, since you're a comedian, you
know where we could get some coke?

Dennis rolls his eyes realizing that the coolest guy at the
party is still a douche.


Dennis and Guy 3 doing coke off a coffee table.

Seriously man, I love Dane Cook.


Monday, September 5, 2011

30 Sketches in 30 Days--#4 "The New Guy"

So I missed yesterday but I'll put two up today. Here's the first one--"The New Guy"


A group of comedians is hanging out before an open mic.
They're talking and drinking some beers at the bar. FRANK is
a new comedian and looks out of place. He isn't talking to
anyone and keeps trying to get into conversations but has
nothing to say. Eventually he corners DOUG, a comedian he's
seen before who he thinks is funny.

Hey, Doug, right?

Doug nods his head, trying to figure out if he's supposed to
know this stranger in front of him.

I saw you last month opening up for
Aries Spears. You were awesome.

Doug realizes that it's just a fan and is relieved

Thanks so much man, it's always
nice to meet a fan. What's your

Frank. Frank Collins but I'm going
to go by Frankie Crack-up. on
stage. I'm trying to become a
comedian just like you, man. Got
any advice?

Other than dropping the stage name?
What do you want to know man?

Uh, I guess how do get more gigs?
I'm frustrated because I haven't
gotten any paying gigs yet and I'm
trying to quit my job and do this
full time.

You gotta keep showing up at open
mics and working on your material.
Then eventually enough people will
see you that they'll start inviting
you to shows.

Frank looks kind of disapointed with the advice but plows on
with more questions

Well after I start getting some
paying gigs, how long do you think
until I can start making good

7 to 10 years, if you're good and

Oh. At the very least this should
help my social life and help me
with the ladies, right? That's got
to be a nice perk.

My friends don't talk to me anymore
because they know if they do that
I'm just going to invite them to a
show and they're too polite to say
no. And now every time I try to
hit on a girl all I can think about
is coming up with jokes about how
ridiculous the process of picking
up a girl is and then I fuck it up.

Doug looks more and more disgusted with the life of being a
comedian. Doug realizes he's upsetting the young comic and
tries to fix it.

I don't want to make it seem so
bad. There are some perks. Like
now I almost never have to pay for
a drink at most of the places I

The bartender walks over, seeing that Doug's drink is empty.

Need another one?

That'd be great

We're out of those Colt 45s that we
accidentally ordered so I'm gonna
have to charge you for the next

Doug looks kind of embarrassed but doesn't want to say no at
this point.

Yeah, that's fine.

Doug and Frank just sit there in silence. Frank's dream of
the life of being a comedian being awesome has just been
shattered and Doug is upset that he couldn't even try to make
being a comedian seem cool even for two minutes.

You got five bucks I could borrow?

Saturday, September 3, 2011

30 Sketches in 30 Days--Day 3 "Gash Cab"


It's 2:15 am on a Friday and the bars have just closed down.
JASON is trying to seal the deal with CHRYSTAL, an incredibly
ugly woman who may or may not be a transvestite.

Why don't we go back to my place?
I have some good wine we could open
and just keep this party goin.

Yeah, that sounds like a good idea

Jason and Chrystal start to kiss. He pulls away and holds a
single finger up to her lips.

Let me go get us a cab

Jason walks to over to the curb and holds out his hand to
flag down a taxi. Almost instantly a checkered cab pulls up.
He holds the door open for Chrystal and helps her in the car.

(To the cabbie)
21st and Pine, please. And don't
take Broad street.

The cab driver looks a little annoyed by Jason telling him
how to do his job and mutters something incoherent under his

What did you just say?

The cab driver mumbles something undecipherable again.

Hey man, you can forget about a tip
unless you tell me what you're

I said "You're on the Cash Cab!"

The interior of the car lights up and music starts playing.

Oh shit! I seen this shit on TV!

With the lights turned all the way up in the cab Jason can
now see that he has definitely picked up a transvestite. He
looks horrified.

You have the next 28 blocks until
your stop to answer as many
questions correctly as you can.
But if you give three wrong
answers, we will drop you off
whereever we are. You guys want to

Jason is still stunned but he tries to say "No" but is cut
off by Chrystal who is really excited.

Fuck yeah we playin!
(to Jason)
I can't believe we in the Cash Cab!

Ok, here is your first question:
This part of the body only found in
50% of humans is also known as the
Layrngeal Prominance and is found
on the front of the throat.

Chrystal looks completely stumped and Jason continues to look
totally embarrassed.

The, um, the uh. The Adam's Apple?

That's correct for $50!

Chrystal cheers and tries to give Adam a big kiss but he
ducks out of the way and they end up in an awkward hug.
Question two is another 50 dollar
question: What is the average age
girls begin menstruating?

Jason looks at Chrystal and she gives a "deer in headlights"
look back to Jason.

Um. 17?

The cab driver laughs accidentally and then collects himself.

I'm sorry, the answer is 13

Jason stares very hard at Chrystal who looks the complete
other direction, refusing to make eye contact with her date.
Question 30 is going to be a
little bit harder but it's worth a
hundred bucks: This type of
chemical therapy goes by the
initials HRT and is used most
commonly by people with gender
identity disorder.

Hormone Replacement Therapy!

That is correct again for another
hundered dollars!

Jason's eyes get huge as the gravity of what is happening
sinks in. He looks physically ill


Okay, question four is also worth a
hundred dollars: This type of
professional establishment is most
often visited on Saturday and
Sunday mornings after anonymous and
unwanted sexual encounters often
caused by excessive binge drinking.

Fuck this.

Jason opens the door of the moving cab and rolls out of the


Well that is a cash cab first.

Chrystal and the cab driver sit there stunned for a moment
trying to figure out what to do. Chrystal perks up and has a
bit of an "a ha" moment.

Oh! Free health clinic! That's
the answer!


Friday, September 2, 2011

30 Sketches in 30 Days--Day 2 "Michelle Bachmann was Right About God"


God sits at a fancy desk sorting through newspapers and
looking more and more disgusted with each article he reads.

After 6,000 years, why is it that
Michelle Bachmann is the only one
on this planet that actually gets

I don't know, Lord. Perhaps the
whole "working in mysterious ways"
thing wasn't the best tactic for
getting your point across.

Mysterious my ass. I've been
incredibly clear with what I want:
No abortion, don't let gays get
married and for fucks sake keep
marginal tax rate low on the
wealthiest Americans!

Of course, Lord. But don't you
think it would be good to do
something about the famine and
disease outbreak in Africa?

Are you even paying attention? Did
you even read the last budget this
congress passed?

No, Lord, I did not.

$1.5 Million dollars for a museum
to honor a banjo player! Are you
shitting me?

Of course, Lord, it's very
upsetting. But malaria is killing
a million people a year in Africa.

Listen, Pete. New York just
started allowing gay marriage. I
don't have time for your "save the
children" bullshit right now.

Well maybe you should try to send a
message of some sort.

Another one? Did you see what I
did to Joplin? I fucked their shit
up. If that isn't a clear message
that I'm against gay marriage, then
I'm not the almighty ruler of the

St. Peter's blackberry goes off. He looks at it for a moment
then returns to his conversation with God.

We just got some prayers from some
military families to help bring
their sons and daughters home
safely. You might want to handle

Holy fuck, Pete. You really think
I can deal with that right now? I
have 15,000 prayers to help
confused teens keep their gay
feelings at bay that are clogging
up my priority bin. Maybe if the
Spendocrats on the hill would have
spent less money on their welfare
programs and more money on arming
the troops then these families
wouldn't need my help.

Well I think that would actually
have increased the debt a little
bit more than--

(Cutting St. Peter off)
If they had just kept taxes low on
businesses then they would be able
to hire more people and that would
increase the tax base so that the
country could help pay off their

God looks at his newspapers again and seems to get more and
more frustrated.

Are you serious? They're trying to
bring back the fairness doctrine.
Fuck this, I'm sending another


Thursday, September 1, 2011

30 Sketches in 30 days: #1--"Boring Apocalypse"

So apparently it's National Sketch Writing month, according to a website that is designed exclusively to promote National Sketch Writing month.


So here is my first sketch, "Boring Apocalypse"


MIKE and JAMES sit in an apartment sometime following the
apocalypse. They're each just sitting on couches staring at a
blank TV. There is a pile of guns on the table in between

This apocalypse sucks

Hey man, we should just be happy to
be alive. No need to dwell on
what's not going well. You should
focus on the positive things in
your life right now

Oh yeah? Like what?

Like the fact that we haven't had a
serious zombie attack in more than
24 hours. Maybe this whole thing
is subsiding.

Yeah but that last attack they got
Eric and Joan. Now we're on our

Hey, that just means that the food
will last longer so we have a
better chance of survival.

Ugh. Were you this annoying before
the apocalypse?

Listen, I know that this situation
sucks but there is no reason to be
so negative about everything. I
figure we're stuck here, we might
as well make the best of it. Why
don't we play a board game?

No, I don't want to play a board

C'mon, I saw a bunch in the back
room. Whoever lived here before
must have had kids or maybe they
were one of those crazy couples
that had game nights with other
couples every Wednesday.

James looks even more annoyed and rolls his eyes. Meanwhile
Mike takes the initiative and gets up to go look at the board
games. He calls out different games from the back room.

I'm not playing a stupid game man.
If anything we should spend our
time trying to figure out ways to

Tap water is still running and we
have a month's worth of food.
We're fine. How about Monopoly?







Fuck it! I can't take this shit
anymore! I'd rather be out there
with the zombies than in here with

James gets up and starts to walk out the door.

Jesus man. You'll die out there!

I don't care anymore. I'm dying in
here too.

James leaves. Mike yells at him through the door.

Don't even think about coming back
here! I'm locking the door and
you'll never get back in!

James doesn't respond, he just keeps on walking. Mike takes
a deep breath and collects himself. Then he reaches under
the couch cushion and pulls out a Hustler magazine and starts
to unbuckle his pants.

Thank God, I thought I'd never get
him to leave

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Paintballing with Rambo

Another sketch. This one a little less quick...

Predicting the News Coverage--Sarah Palin's Presidential Announcement

What’s going on now

The former governor-turned-media darling-turned-attention whore has done every single thing that someone who is running for president would do while finding a way to get upset that people are asking her whether or not she’s running for president. Basically she’s like a girl at a bar who gets drunk, lets you take her home, takes off her clothes and throws you a condom then gets mad that you have the audacity to assume that you’re going to have sex.

Her newest adventure includes attending events in Iowa and New Hampshire next week. You know, because she really digs corn and whatever New Hampshire is famous for. It has nothing to do with the fact that those are the first two primary states and that no Republican has ever won the nomination without winning at least one of them.

It seems pretty likely that she will announce in the next week or so. The only thing that I think would keep her from running would be if internal polls show that she is even further behind than the national polls are showing right now—tied for a distant third. I’m sure she’s nervous that running and losing (Especially if she gets trounced) would be a huge hit to her credibility, but I think that there is no way she can keep up her current status as a leader in the conservative movement for another four years (Or eight if a Republican beats Obama).

I’m saying she’s going to run.

What will happen the day she announces

I don’t know when or where she will announce, but I know that Wolf Blitzer will announce it for CNN. It just seems like the breaking news will come out of his mouth. I can just feel it.

“After a television show, a mystery bus tour around the nation’s most historic locations, and almost three years of speculation, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and Tea Party darling, is running for president.”

It feels right, doesn’t it?

That day, every news channel will run five-minute biographies on a constant loop detailing all over her triumphs and gaffs and using a lot of still images of her waving to a crowd. If you watch the news for one hour you will hear her “Hockey mom/Pitbull” line from the 2004 GOP convention at least seven times.

The announcement itself will involve a lot of talk about how we need to reign in government spending and take a bunch of potshots at the “lamestream media” for not keeping a better eye on Obama and his crazy “spend money on infrastructure so that things keep working” ways. She will immediately tweet something about how she hates that the media is only covering her gaffs and not focusing on the real issue—that Obama is dangerous to this country and must be stopped. Then she’ll make a shotgun reference and use a winking emoticon.

One week after the announcement

After a couple days she will sit down with Sean Hannity and do a one-on-one interview that will be edited to make look like she knew the names of all the world leaders we have good relationships with and which country they represent.

CNN and MSNBC will have to hire a special reporter just to cover Palin and beg her six times a day if she’ll do an interview on their network. She will deflect the question when on camera and pass it off to her press secretary who will chide the news networks for crowding the governor and only allow an interview if the questions can be pre-screened. Rather than talk about how ridiculous that is, the news organizations will simply say that this “adds to the Palin mystique” and then go on covering her like she’s a legit candidate.

One month after the announcement

Palin will eventually have to go to a debate and try to explain why she is better than the rest of the candidates. Anytime one of the other candidates attacks her, she will invoke Ronald Reagan and say that we shouldn’t be trying to trash each other. I don’t think it will happen, but this is where Ron Paul should say “I knew Ron Regan, I was friends with Ron Regan, and Governor Palin, you’re no Ron Reagan.” If he did, it would start a war among the craziest fan bases and would present another opportunity for the media to spend 48 hours talking about Ron Paul being relevant.

What is more likely is that they will talk about how exposed Palin looked on stage. How she ducked too many questions and couldn’t seem to handle the pressure of the big stage. She will immediately fire back that she took the high road and that she stood by her principles not to bash other republican candidates in a primary because in the end the most important thing is that someone defeats Obama.

She will then go on the attack against the other republican candidates.

Six months after announcing

Sarah’s campaign is running on fumes at this point. After coming in second to Rick Perry in the Iowa Caucuses, she gets absolutely demolished in New Hampshire by Perry and Romney. After trying to tack right for much of the primaries, Romney sticks goes back to his more moderate roots and offers himself as the one candidate who can actually beat Obama and responds to everything that Perry and Palin say by just rolling his eyes and saying “you have GOT to be kidding me. We tried this with George Bush, that didn’t work. We can be conservatives without just bringing the same failed policies out and presenting them as new ideas.”

Palin immediately jumps on him, calling him a fake republican and tweets “wat wud u expect from a Massachusetts elitist? We need REAL conservatives now.”

She gets a little bit of traction when Michelle Bachman finally bows out of the race but after coming in second to Perry in South Carolina it becomes clear that she’s cooked. Before getting to the Florida primaries, she pens an essay on her Facebook account about how much she loves this country and how terrible it is that the media won’t give a woman a fair shake to become president. She brings up Hillary losing in 2004. Interviews with the Secretary of State mostly just involve her trying to hold back laughter when being compared to Palin.

Every newscast has a “Is Sarah Palin getting ready to drop out of the race” lead and Sarah figures out a way to do the same thing with quitting her race for the White House as she did with starting it. She starts cutting staff members, talking about how important it is that someone defeats Obama and that she wants to do what’s best for the party. When reporters follow up by asking if that means she’s quitting, she immediately gets upset and says that she is in this race to win it and that she wouldn’t be running if she didn’t think she had a good chance to win.

Then she will quit.

One year after her announcement

With Rick Perry as the nominee, it becomes clear that they can’t have two crazies on the ticket and she is passed over as a nominee for VP. She goes back to her job at Fox News and begins making moves to try to take over for Mike Huckabee after he is forced to retire due to having a heart attack after putting all the weight back on.

Two months before Election Day, “One Nation Under God, with Sarah Palin” airs on Fox News as a Friday night talk show, and we’re pretty much right back where we started.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Monday, July 11, 2011

Happy Endings Ruined by Adding One More Scene

I like happy endings in movies. I know they’re hokey, I know it causes me to suspend my disbelief that we would actually be able to defeat the alien forces or that love really does conquer all, but that’s why I go to the movies in the first place. If I wanted to watch something that made me feel sad, I’d just stay at home and watch A&E.

The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.

(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)

Law Abiding Citizen

How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.

Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.

The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.

You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.

Yes, your honor

I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?

Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—

Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?

Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?

A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.

I did not think of that.

Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.

(Roll credits)

The Matrix: Revolutions

How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)

Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.

The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.

So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world

Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?

It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul

Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med

Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—

Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.

The war is over, we already won

Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?

(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us

(Awkward silence among the entire group)

Man 2
Is it too late to get one of those blue pills?

(Roll Credits)


How We Saw it End
Mike defeats Teddy KGB in back-to-back heads-up poker games to pay off the debt and win back most of his bankroll that Teddy had taken from him in the first scene in the movie. Having outplayed his nemesis and built up a bankroll of $30,000, Mike decides to go to Las Vegas for the World Series of Poker and likely to try to become a professional poker player. We see him get in a cab and head towards the airport.

The Scene After That
Int. Security Line at the Airport

Mike is waiting for his bag on the other side of the X-ray machine. He looks at his watch and realizes that he does not have much time left to catch is plane to Vegas and is growing impatient as his bag is taking longer than usual. Multiple guards come over to look at the screen, eventually a supervisor is brought over.

TSA Agent
Sir, is this your bag?

Um, yeah. Is there a problem?

TSA Agent
Come with me, sir

Mike and the agent go into a back room with the bag. The agent opens the bag and pulls out $30,000 in cash and just looks at Mike.

TSA Agent
And what are you doing with this?

Oh, it’s okay, I’m a poker player. I’m going to Las Vegas.

TSA Agent
So you won all this money in the casinos?

Uh, yeah. All at the casinos

TSA Agent
So you have proof of that, right? Something to show that this isn’t dirty money.

I do not.

TSA Agent
(Into walky talky)
We’re gonna need an IRS agent and DEA agent down here to do a full work-up on a mysterious bundle of cash.

(Roll Credits)

Independence Day

How We Saw it End
David and Captain Hiller successfully implant the virus in the mothership, giving the fighters on earth a chance to bring down the ships. They finally figure out that the way to bring down the ships is to fly Randy Quade into their primary weapon. We see the ships coming down all over the world and the Hiller and David make it back to earth just in time to keep the promises they made to their loved ones before the aliens came to show that they not only can they save the world, but they can grow as people.

The Scene After That
Ext. Desert outside of Area 51

President Whitmore talks with David and Hiller about how they was able to defeat the aliens as one of the giant ships burns in the background. People celebrate all around them.

President Whitmore
Gentlmen, great work. You saved the planet.

It was an honor sir. Now I don’t mean to be too forward, but do you think this might get me bumped to the front of the list for getting into the NASA program?

President Whitmore
Unfortunately Houston was destroyed when I ordered a nuclear attack on one of the ships while it was there.

Well that’s understandable sir, but I’m sure we could just move the command center. In fact, I’d love to help you rebuild it.

President Whitmore
That’s very kind of you, but the attacker ships destroyed every major city in the country. The largest city left in the United States is Lincoln, Nebraska, and honestly, the nation’s infrastructure has just been destroyed, I’m still trying to figure out how to get food to people who live more than three miles from a self-sustaining farm, I don’t think we’re ready to rebuild the space program.

Well I’m sure I won’t have to pay taxes at least, am I right?

President Whitmore
Well there’s no more banking system, and currency is probably more useful as a means to keep a warm fire going than anything else right now.

Well, jeez Mr. President, things seem pretty dire. Is there anything we can do to help?

President Whitmore
Just try not to resort to cannibalism until you have exhausted all other options.

(Roll credits)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

2012: Armageddon Doesn't Sound So Bad

With just a mere 17 months until Election day 2012, the GOP Presidential nominees have already had one debate and are starting to jockey for position to take on President Obama. So who are these candidates and what are their chances?

Mitt Romney

The former businessman, Massachusetts governor and Old Navy display mannequin is banking on the idea that the economy is going to continue to be in the tank between now and election day. He has experience running for president, which is good for some reason.

How he could win:
Unemployment continues to stay close to 10%, the housing market falls into a double dip recession and Dow plunges back under 10,000, freaking out the GOP primary voters enough to hold their nose and vote for a Mormon. Once in the general election, he plays up his moderate side to win over independent voters in Ohio, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina and beats Obama.

How he could lose:
Gay marriage becomes law in New York and new provisions of Obamacare come into effect and rest of the GOP candidates successfully turn him simply link him to Obama and he becomes “just another Massachusetts liberal” before the first primary vote.

Sarah Palin

She hasn’t said whether or not she’s running, but that’s mostly because she hasn’t figured out a way to turn her campaign into a reality show called “Running with Sarah.”

How she could win:
She is a full-fledged superstar in the GOP and especially the within the Tea Party and among people who aren’t really sure what happened in history but like it when people pretend like they do. Polls show that the voters are dissatisfied with the current field, so she could show up fashionably late to the party and pick up a bunch of undecided votes before they realize she actually has to have three head-to-head debates with Obama.

How she could lose:
If you don’t love Palin, you hate her. She’s like vegemite that talks about things it doesn’t understand and then quits halfway through its term. She also is making about $650 billion a day right now, so there’s a good chance she just won’t run since it probably will only hurt her ability to make money and be an outsider who just makes comments.

Newt Gingrich

The former Speaker and current talking head is still technically in this race despite losing most of his top advisors and fundraisers just a couple weeks into his campaign.

How he could win:
It would have to be a Marshall Football team situation with all of the GOP candidates and then on Election Day eve we would have to find out Obama is actually from Kenya.

How he could lose:
He would take a two week vacation right after starting his campaign, pissing off his staffers and causing most of them to quit and eventually leading to a mass exodus of fundraisers. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t think up anything better than what he already did)

Rick Santorum

The former Senator from Pennsylvania and anti man-on-dog marriage enthusiast has gotten bored doing whatever it is that he’s doing and wants to get back into politics.

How he could win:
Gay marriage passes in New York and then is brought up in other states making in the number one issue. As the far right investigates the gay agenda they discover that it was actually the homosexuals who were behind 9/11. Santorum puts Ron Paul on his ticket to get religious nuts and fiscal nuts out to the polls they win every state except California and Massachusetts.

How he could lose:
As long as sometime between now and 2012 we don’t start referring to “The Gays” the way they refer to the aliens on “Falling Skies,” he’s going to lose.

Tim Pawlenty

The former Minnesota Governor is best known for, um, for, uh, his name coming up a lot during the Al Franken senate recount in 2008.

How he could win:
Imagine if you will: Your average GOP primary voter walks into the booth and stares at his options. He fears that Bachman, Paul and Santorum are too crazy to win in a general election and Romney is too liberal (And too Mormon-y). And he’s no racist, but he can’t bring himself to vote for Herman Cain because the idea of having the presidency come down to TWO black guys just doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe he should just not vote for anyone and walk out of the voting booth. But wait, what’s this? Tim Pawlenty? Sounds like just the kind of not-crazy-not-Mormon-not-black kind of candidate he’s looking for.

How he could lose:
Has anyone been watching politics over the last couple of years? The GOP voters are not looking for boring right now. He’d do great in 1992, though.

Michele Bachmann

The founder of the Tea Party Caucus in congress, Bachmann has made the national debt the number one issue since 2009. It’s probably in her “interests” section in her Facebook profile.

How she could win:
We would have to find out that the national debt is much worse than we thought. I don’t mean that the number is higher; I mean that national debt has sex slaves, a stash of child pornography and sold nuclear secrets to Iran.

How she could lose:
Just keep showing up to debates.

Herman Cain

The pizza chain CEO and Tea Party activist is known for being anti-healthcare reform, anti-Sharia law, and an example for Tea Party activists to use to prove they aren’t racist.

How he could win:
He has plenty of conservative credentials and no actual political experience, which if you have been following a long the last few years is a good thing now. He’s a pretty good speaker, charismatic and black. He’s everything the right hates about Obama except the political views, and they just might vote for him.

How he could lose:
Instead of talking about jobs he’s talking about Sharia law and making bills less than three pages long. Oh, and I’m not saying his skin told will hold him back, but I think there could be some racist people voting and there are white guys on the ticket, so we’ll see how that goes for him.

Ron Paul

So adorable.

How he could win:

How he could lose:
See: 1988, 2008.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I'm So Excited, I'm So Scared (Pirates Edition)

As I write this, the Pittsburgh Pirates are 29-30, and I am excited. My friends and I are exchanging emails wondering if this is “the year.” Not the year where they win the World Series, or win the division, or even make the playoffs, but simply make it to .500. They haven’t done so since 1992—when I was six years old—and there is a buzz in the ‘Burgh that Clint Hurdle has this rag tag group of nobodies playing mediocre baseball like no one expected.

If the Pirates do end up making it to 81 wins this year, then we can look back and feel like all this excitement will have had some merit. As a Pirates fan, however, I feel like I have been duped before, and I worry that this I am just getting set up to be embarrassed again.

If I put up a list of the most embarrassing moments of the Pirates’ last 19 years, I would probably be able to write 20,000 words on Kevin Young alone. So instead, here is a list of the most embarrassing things that I actually got excited about while through the almost two decades of futility of Pirates baseball:

Chad Hermansen
Drafted in 1995 with the 10th overall pick, Hermansen was immediately named the savior of the franchise. For years, the front office touted how well he was doing in the minor leagues and how he was progressing into a future superstar, ready to be the next great outfielder to replace Barry Bonds and Andy van Slyke.

Finally, in September of 1999, the Pirates called up the Baseball Jesus in what would surely be the beginning of a long and illustrious, Hall of Fame career. Aaaaaand he hit a whopping .233 with 1 home run and one RBI in 19 games. But no big deal, right? It was just the September call ups. Certainly in his first full season he would really start to hit.

Or not. .185 over 33 games with 2 home runs, 8 RBIs and a coach ticket right back to AAA to work on his swing.

He came back in 2001 and hit .164 over 22 games and finally the Pirates let him go. He bounced around in the Cubs, Marlins and Mets organizations for a few years before retiring. His final stat line in the majors: .195, 13 HR, 34 RBI in 6 seasons.

Moving Jason Kendall to left field
Jason Kendall was a fun player to watch his first couple of years in the league. He didn’t wear batting gloves, he had a big wad of chew in his cheek, he led the league in getting hit by pitch almost every year, and he was a catcher who could bat leadoff. We had to do whatever we could to make sure we kept him around for a long time, because he would certainly lead help lead us to the playoffs one day.

In 2001, right after making Jason Kendal the second richest catcher only to Mike Piazza, the Pirates decided that the best way to protect their investment was to try to move him to left field. It made sense. Craig Biggio had moved from catcher to second base a few years into his career to help protect his knees and it allowed him to play well into his 30s.

On paper, it actually still looks like it wasn’t such a bad move. In his worst season he hit .266 and that was the only season with the team that he hit below .280. However, from 2001-2003 he hit 19 home runs. Total. And that includes the magical 2001 season when he went crazy and hit 10 dingers. Forget that he was such an awful left fielder that (.906 fielding percentage) that the Pirates abandoned the experiment after just 27 games. The Pirates had 18% of their salary locked up on someone providing the offensive prowess as Placido Polonco, who cost about 1/6 as much.

The 2003 Season
In the 2002 offseason, the Pirates finally went out and signed some veteran talent. They went out and got Kenny Lofton, Reggie Sanders and Randall Simon in free agency. They already had young talent with Aramis Ramirez at third and the up and coming Jason Bay in left, with some young pitching that could really get some confidence behind what looked like it could turn into one of the better offenses in the league.

But by the beginning of May, the Buccos were already six games under .500 and never recovered. Everyone forgot that the group of veterans they got might as well have been stand-ins from the movie “Space Cowboys.” It’s okay to have one or two old guys who have lost their abilities and are their just to teach the young guys how quickly the game can pass them by, but you can’t have ALL of your good players be on AARP’s mailing list.

Eventually the whole team just became wonderfully sub-mediocre, and to make matters worse, they Lofton, Ramirez and Simon’s salaries on the Cubs in exchange for Matt Brubeck, Jose Hernandez and Bobby Hill. No, I’m not making that up.

I’m still excited about the 2011 Pirates. I’m actually going to the game tonight. But there’s a part of me that’s expecting us to lose 95 games and trade Andrew McCutchen for a middle reliever.