30 Sketches in 30 Days--#4 "The New Guy"

So I missed yesterday but I'll put two up today. Here's the first one--"The New Guy"


INT. COMEDY CLUB

A group of comedians is hanging out before an open mic.
They're talking and drinking some beers at the bar. FRANK is
a new comedian and looks out of place. He isn't talking to
anyone and keeps trying to get into conversations but has
nothing to say. Eventually he corners DOUG, a comedian he's
seen before who he thinks is funny.

FRANK
Hey, Doug, right?

Doug nods his head, trying to figure out if he's supposed to
know this stranger in front of him.

FRANK (CONT'D)
I saw you last month opening up for
Aries Spears. You were awesome.

Doug realizes that it's just a fan and is relieved

DOUG
Thanks so much man, it's always
nice to meet a fan. What's your
name?

FRANK
Frank. Frank Collins but I'm going
to go by Frankie Crack-up. on
stage. I'm trying to become a
comedian just like you, man. Got
any advice?

DOUG
Other than dropping the stage name?
What do you want to know man?

FRANK
Uh, I guess how do get more gigs?
I'm frustrated because I haven't
gotten any paying gigs yet and I'm
trying to quit my job and do this
full time.

DOUG
You gotta keep showing up at open
mics and working on your material.
Then eventually enough people will
see you that they'll start inviting
you to shows.

Frank looks kind of disapointed with the advice but plows on
with more questions

FRANK
Well after I start getting some
paying gigs, how long do you think
until I can start making good
money.

DOUG
7 to 10 years, if you're good and
lucky.

FRANK
Oh. At the very least this should
help my social life and help me
with the ladies, right? That's got
to be a nice perk.

DOUG
My friends don't talk to me anymore
because they know if they do that
I'm just going to invite them to a
show and they're too polite to say
no. And now every time I try to
hit on a girl all I can think about
is coming up with jokes about how
ridiculous the process of picking
up a girl is and then I fuck it up.

Doug looks more and more disgusted with the life of being a
comedian. Doug realizes he's upsetting the young comic and
tries to fix it.

DOUG (CONT'D)
I don't want to make it seem so
bad. There are some perks. Like
now I almost never have to pay for
a drink at most of the places I
perform.

The bartender walks over, seeing that Doug's drink is empty.

BARTENDER
Need another one?

DOUG
That'd be great

BARTENDER
We're out of those Colt 45s that we
accidentally ordered so I'm gonna
have to charge you for the next
one.

Doug looks kind of embarrassed but doesn't want to say no at
this point.

DOUG
Yeah, that's fine.

Doug and Frank just sit there in silence. Frank's dream of
the life of being a comedian being awesome has just been
shattered and Doug is upset that he couldn't even try to make
being a comedian seem cool even for two minutes.

DOUG (CONT'D)
You got five bucks I could borrow?