30 Sketches in 30 Days--Day 2 "Michelle Bachmann was Right About God"

INT. HEAVEN

God sits at a fancy desk sorting through newspapers and
looking more and more disgusted with each article he reads.

GOD
After 6,000 years, why is it that
Michelle Bachmann is the only one
on this planet that actually gets
me?

ST. PETER
I don't know, Lord. Perhaps the
whole "working in mysterious ways"
thing wasn't the best tactic for
getting your point across.

GOD
Mysterious my ass. I've been
incredibly clear with what I want:
No abortion, don't let gays get
married and for fucks sake keep
marginal tax rate low on the
wealthiest Americans!

ST. PETER
Of course, Lord. But don't you
think it would be good to do
something about the famine and
disease outbreak in Africa?

GOD
Are you even paying attention? Did
you even read the last budget this
congress passed?

ST. PETER
No, Lord, I did not.

GOD
$1.5 Million dollars for a museum
to honor a banjo player! Are you
shitting me?

ST. PETER
Of course, Lord, it's very
upsetting. But malaria is killing
a million people a year in Africa.

GOD
Listen, Pete. New York just
started allowing gay marriage. I
don't have time for your "save the
children" bullshit right now.

ST. PETER
Well maybe you should try to send a
message of some sort.

GOD
Another one? Did you see what I
did to Joplin? I fucked their shit
up. If that isn't a clear message
that I'm against gay marriage, then
I'm not the almighty ruler of the
universe.

St. Peter's blackberry goes off. He looks at it for a moment
then returns to his conversation with God.

ST. PETER
We just got some prayers from some
military families to help bring
their sons and daughters home
safely. You might want to handle
this.

GOD
Holy fuck, Pete. You really think
I can deal with that right now? I
have 15,000 prayers to help
confused teens keep their gay
feelings at bay that are clogging
up my priority bin. Maybe if the
Spendocrats on the hill would have
spent less money on their welfare
programs and more money on arming
the troops then these families
wouldn't need my help.

ST. PETER
Well I think that would actually
have increased the debt a little
bit more than--

GOD
(Cutting St. Peter off)
If they had just kept taxes low on
businesses then they would be able
to hire more people and that would
increase the tax base so that the
country could help pay off their
debt.

God looks at his newspapers again and seems to get more and
more frustrated.

GOD (CONT'D)
Are you serious? They're trying to
bring back the fairness doctrine.
Fuck this, I'm sending another
earthquake.

END