Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Biggest Douchebags of 2011

We’re a terrible species that does terrible things to each other. Some people might say it’s the devil at work, other’s might say it’s part of the human condition since we are the only species that is able to contemplate its own existence and therefore its own death yet we have no real control over the matter so we externalize our anxieties onto others in the form of negative actions. Only God really knows.

What we can all agree on is that there were a lot of people being douchebags this year, and I’ve come up with a list of the douchiest of them all. This list is not for people who are committing real acts of evil like presiding over ethnic cleansing or gay marriages, this is for people who should know better but have just been dicks this year.

Sports Douchebag of the year
The Penn State football program

Yes, it takes more than just a little bit of a douchebag to cover up child rape for more than a decade. I am completely aware of that. They don’t win the award for the cover-up itself, they win the award for their reaction to getting busted for covering up child rape for more than a decade.

The entire program, including Joe Paterno, treated a child sex abuse scandal within their organization with all the fervor that the Pakistani government had in the search for Bin Laden and then was shocked when people outside Happy Valley wanted heads to roll. And then when Joe Paterno was finally fired—for helping to cover up child rape—student rioted.

They flipped a news van in anger for because they thought it was the media’s fault for blowing the whole “kid getting raped in a shower” thing out of proportion. That god-damn, anti child-rape media and their gotcha-covering-up-for-a-pedophile reporting. When will it end?

The first game after the scandal, the team reportedly wanted to win so that they could bring a game ball to Coach Paterno’s house. Instead, they lost, so I assume they just went with plan B and found a child abuse victim and took turns slapping him across the face.

Honorable mention: NFL/NBA players unions and owners for the lockouts—Seriously, we were so close to ONLY having hockey, you guys. Not cool.

Political Douchebag of the Year
The GOP Primary Voter

Two things: One is I realize I’m giving it to a group again instead of an individual and it’s kind of a cop-out, but if Time can give “The Protestor” the person of the year then all bets are off. Second, the primary voters didn’t even get to really vote in 2011 and they make the list. That’s astonishing.

To be fair to the GOP Primary Voter, there were a lot of chances for you to make a fool out of yourself. The networks figured out that debates were big money makers so they were force-feeding them to us like they were a Tyler Perry show for white people. It even got to the point where Donald Trump was going to host one, but even the guy who took twenty years to paint over a rock on his property that said “Niggerhead” realized that was probably a bad idea.

Still, the GOP Primary Voter had a few “unforced errors” at the debates. YouTube sponsored a debate and a gay soldier asked the candidates their feelings about Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, to which some audience members booed, and none of them asked those booing to shut the fuck up and respect the guy who is fighting in the war they all supported. At one debate, the biggest applause line was not about an economic policy or how to confront the war on terror, but Rick Perry bragging about how Texas has executed the most people in the country since he took over as governor.

Fuck you. I have no joke for that. Just fuck you.

The biggest reason that the GOP Primary Voter is the political douchebag of the year is that they won’t vote for Mitt Romney. As a liberal, Mitt Romney is the only guy I think would really be favored against Obama in the general election, but the primary voters won’t vote for him because he’s a Mormon. If Romney were Catholic or Protestant he would be up by 20 points right now, but instead the GOP Primary Voter is seriously talking itself into thinking that Newt Gingrich could or even should be president of the United States of America.

Anyone who ends up voting for Newt Gingrich in an official election should have to use the “buddy system” whenever they’re out in public from now on, because they cannot be trusted as an adult anymore.

Honorable Mention: John Boehner--Just for presiding over the Tea Party congress

Business Douchebag of the Year

I was really tempted to give this to anyone who has ever worked at Men’s Warehouse just on principle, but I decided that the fine folks over at Lowe’s Home-Improvement Warehouse have really dug deep this year and earned it. A could weeks ago, the hey-we’re-not-Home-Depot store decided to pull advertising from the TLC show “All American Muslim,” a reality show which follows five Muslim families living in the United States, plotting jihad against the infidels.

Okay, actually they’re just normal families, but that didn’t stop Lowe’s from pulling the advertising after (racist) advocacy groups said they would boycott companies that purchased ads during the program. The show follows a group of Muslim-American families as they go about their daily lives, which is exactly what the problem is. Apparently, the most dangerous thing about these sneaky terrorists is when they try to convince us that they’re just as uninteresting as the Kardashians.

Lowe’s claims that they aren’t “trying to alienate” anyone and that they were just listening to multiple voiced concerns over where they were placing ad-buys. This was a better-crafted message from the PR department than the original statement from the CEO of “honestly, we can’t tell the difference between the migrant workers and the terrorists so it just makes it much easier to exclude them all.”

Honorable mention: Banks—For continuing to do what they were doing, which I have no idea what that was, but have been told by most that it’s very, very bad.

Entertainment Douchebag of the Year
Louis CK

Seriously, you cannot make amazing material every year. You have to stop. Just have an off year. Just one. Go for it. It’s totally liberating.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dexter Season 7 Scene Leaked

Okay, so I have a friend who works as a staff writer for a hit TV show. I don't want to give it away, but it rhymes with "Schmidt Schmy Schmad Schmays." Anyway, he received a leaked copy of the season 7 script of "Dexter."



Dexter unlocks the door and lets a frantic Deb in. She still
cannot believe that her brother is a serial killer. She
paces furiously throughout the apartment, tears welling up in
her eyes, yelling obscenities that make no sense. Dexter
just closes the door behind him and tries to calm her down.

Fucking fuck, Dex! Are you fucking
serious? You're the Bay Harbor
Butcher? How the fuck? What the
fuck? Shit fuck!

Listen, Deb, I don't know what to
say, I just--

(Interrupting and getting
up in his face)
No, you don't get to fucking say
anything! I finally make it to
police lieutenant and then I find
out that my own brother is the Bay
Harbor fucking Butcher? How the
fuck am I supposed to explain that
to Laguerta? What happens if you
get caught, Dex? What happens
then? Did you even fucking think
about that? You could take down
the entire Morgan family in one
fucking moment by leaving a single
piece of DNA at a crime scene.

Dexter swallows hard, figruing out what to say next.

I feel like you're sending me mixed
messages here, Deb.

Mixed messages my fucking ass, Dex!
What the fuck are you talking

Well, you're giving me a hand job
right now.

Camera pulls back to reveal Deb's hand completely down
Dexter's pants. She realizes what she's been doing, stops,
and walks towards the kitchen.

I, uh, need a beer. You want one?


Deb goes to the fridge and grabs a couple beers. She comes
back and hands one of them to Dex then returns to the kitchen
area and sits down on a chair. Dexter sits on a couch on the
other side of the room. The each crack their beers with
their bare hands and take a deep breath.

So, have you always been a serial

Yeah, I guess so. Ever since my
mother died in that shipping
container I was "born in blood."

Fuck. Your brother, Brian, the Ice
Truck Killer? The guy who tried to
kill me?

He did it to get to me

Jesus fuck.

And Trinity as well. He killed
Rita because he knew I was on to
him. I stalked him for months and
he took my wife from me so I took
his life from him. And I was the

one who helped Jordan Chase's escaped

victim get revenge on the monsters who raped

and brutalized her. We spent
weeks tracking them down, finding
their weaknesses, then killing them
and leaving them in--Deb!

Dexter looks up to realize that Deb is fingering herself and
moaning. She pulls her hand out of her pants and straightens
up, smelling her fingers quickly before standing up and
getting back into cop mode.

Show me your murder weapons.

Dexter gets up and leads Deb to the bedroom and opens his
closet. He unlocks his trunk and opens it.

Motherfucker I keep my sex toys in
a trunk too.


Nothing. I just, nevermind.
Dexter, You're leaving me no choice

Deb pulls out a set of hand cuffs.

You don't have to do this Deb. I
can just disappear from the face of
the earth, save us both the

Just shut the fuck up Dex. I have
to do this. If I don't, I could
never live with myself knowing that
I let you slip away--

(Voiceover while Deb keeps
Just what I need, a lecture from my
sister while I'm getting arrested.
I had always imagined this moment,
but I always just thought she would
be crying, not talking on and on
and on. Jesus, this is so much

Deb puts the cuffs on one of Dexter's wrists and handcuffs
him to the bedpost. She pulls out another pair and hand
cuffs him to the other bedpost.

What the?

Deb proceeds to perform oral sex on Dexter.

Finally, some peace and quiet.


Monday, December 19, 2011

Obama's Casualties: 2011 Edition

Kim Jong Il Press Release

So I have a friend who works as a journalist in a state-run newspaper in North Korea and a risked his life to get me a copy of the official press release from the the government about Kim Jong Il's death. My friend may actually be dead already, he hasn't been returning my emails all day.

But don't that let stop your enjoyment while reading the press release.


December 18, 2011
Contact: We contact you, you don’t contact us
For Immediate Release


Pyongyang—Kim Jong Il, brave leader of the great North Korea, died yesterday by his own choice, willing his own heart to stop in his sleep just to prove to the Americans that he could. He was 70ish.

Jong Il, who has been named Time “Person of the Year” every year since 1997, is best known for bringing joy and happiness to the people of North Korea. In 1999, he made it illegal to frown, but it was merely a formality as no one had reason to do so. Ever.

“I loved him like I love my own father, probably even more,” every North Korean citizen said in unison upon hearing the news that their beloved leader had fallen. “This is very sad news.”

Jong Il, who could run a sub-3-minute mile, was the first leader to be elected by the people by completely unanimous vote in 1994 with 100 percent voter turnout. Even his opponents decided to vote for the dear leader, realizing that there could be no better option.

The dear leader, who has earned a master’s degree in every field, helped bring North Korea into the nuclear age. After his uranium enrichment plant was up and running, the entire UN gave him a standing ovation for being so bold.

When he was not causing the American economy to tank just by wishing it so, Kim Jong Il spent his time defending his people. Whenever the South Koreans would attack the great North Korea for no reason, Kim Jong Il insisted on flying a jet himself to defend his country. This is what gave Roland Emmerich the idea for Bill Pullman’s character in “Independence Day.”

Funeral services for the dear leader are expected to be held every day throughout 2012. Americans are expected to honor the dear leader by cutting down pine trees and putting them inside their houses.

After another unanimous vote, North Koreans decided the country will now be run by Kim Jong Un. We don’t really know much about him either.