Monday, December 19, 2011

Kim Jong Il Press Release

So I have a friend who works as a journalist in a state-run newspaper in North Korea and a risked his life to get me a copy of the official press release from the the government about Kim Jong Il's death. My friend may actually be dead already, he hasn't been returning my emails all day.

But don't that let stop your enjoyment while reading the press release.


December 18, 2011
Contact: We contact you, you don’t contact us
For Immediate Release


Pyongyang—Kim Jong Il, brave leader of the great North Korea, died yesterday by his own choice, willing his own heart to stop in his sleep just to prove to the Americans that he could. He was 70ish.

Jong Il, who has been named Time “Person of the Year” every year since 1997, is best known for bringing joy and happiness to the people of North Korea. In 1999, he made it illegal to frown, but it was merely a formality as no one had reason to do so. Ever.

“I loved him like I love my own father, probably even more,” every North Korean citizen said in unison upon hearing the news that their beloved leader had fallen. “This is very sad news.”

Jong Il, who could run a sub-3-minute mile, was the first leader to be elected by the people by completely unanimous vote in 1994 with 100 percent voter turnout. Even his opponents decided to vote for the dear leader, realizing that there could be no better option.

The dear leader, who has earned a master’s degree in every field, helped bring North Korea into the nuclear age. After his uranium enrichment plant was up and running, the entire UN gave him a standing ovation for being so bold.

When he was not causing the American economy to tank just by wishing it so, Kim Jong Il spent his time defending his people. Whenever the South Koreans would attack the great North Korea for no reason, Kim Jong Il insisted on flying a jet himself to defend his country. This is what gave Roland Emmerich the idea for Bill Pullman’s character in “Independence Day.”

Funeral services for the dear leader are expected to be held every day throughout 2012. Americans are expected to honor the dear leader by cutting down pine trees and putting them inside their houses.

After another unanimous vote, North Koreans decided the country will now be run by Kim Jong Un. We don’t really know much about him either.



Alex alias DK said...

First! And that must be crap!

JDScarface said...

That's the link to the Facebook page of a book everyone should read. It's about how God and Jesus are pissed at how the world turned out, so Jesus goes back to earth to spread the one and only commandment they intended on having: be nice.

For real. Abandon your religion, stop with your fairy tales, and just be nice. How could the world be a bad place if that's how everyone lived?