30 Sketches in 30 Days--#5 "Funny Guy at the Party"

EXT. OUTISDE A COMEDY CLUB

DENNIS is smoking a cigarette after a show. PHIL, one of his
few friends who is not a comedian walks out and joins him for
a smoke.

PHIL
Great set tonight man.

DENNIS
Thanks man. And thanks for coming
down tonight, it was awesome
getting a chance to see you. It's
been too long. We should grab some
night when I don't have a show.

PHIL
Yeah man, that'd be cool.

Phil and Dennis stand their smoking in silence, not sure if
the conversation is over.

PHIL (CONT'D)
Hey, my roommate is having a party,
you should come by.

DENNIS
I dunno. I mean I'm kind of tired
and I don't really know any of
those guys.

PHIL
C'mon man. It'll be fun. My
roommate's in med school so it's
not like it's going to be a crazy
party or anything, just a few
people hanging out with some good
beer.

DENNIS
I dunno, I just hate going to those
things because everyone wants to
tell me jokes or wants me to do
something funny.

PHIL
I won't even tell anyone you're a
comedian. Plus the girls they
bring around are surprisingly hot.

Dennis kind of shrugs his shoulders and tries to think of a
reason not to go to the party.

PHIL (CONT'D)
Come on, man. I haven't seen you
in like two years. Just stay for a
beer.

DENNIS
Alright man. I'll come by for a
beer or two.

CUT TO:



INT. HOUSE

A large house party is going. It's basically like a frat
party but with people in their late 20s and early 30s.
People are playing beer pong, flip cup and a group of guys
are doing keg stands. Phil and Dennis walk in. Dennis
immediately regrets his decision to come to the party.
Dennis' roommate HANK drunkenly greets him at the door
holding a beer funnel and a can of Milwaukee's Best.

HANK
Phil! You gotta catch up!

Hank pours the beer into the funnel and hands it to Phil who
quickly downs the beer and then chest bumps Hank.

PHIL
WOOOO! Hey, this is my boy Dennis
from college.

HANK
Wait. Is this the comedian?

Dennis sheepishly nods his head.

HANK (CONT'D)
Oh shit! We got a famous comedian
at the party everybody!

Dennis tries to fake a smile while and a wave while the party
goers cheer the news.

DENNIS
Well I'm not famous or anything

HANK
Fuck that, man. I hear you opened
for Louis CK.

DENNIS
It was Louis Anderson.

HANK
Whatever man, let's get you a beer
go introduce you to some bitches.

Hank leads Dennis away. Dennis looks back at Phil the way a
kidegartner looks at his mommy when they drop them off at the
first day of school.

CUT TO:

Dennis in a conversation with a couple girls. He looks very
uncomfortable.

GIRL 1
So you're a comedian? I love Dane
Cook

GIRL 2
And that guy with the puppets?
What's his name?

DENNIS
Jeff Dunham.

GIRL 2
Yeah. You ever get to do any shows
with him? I bet he's hilarious off
stage.

CUT TO:

Dennis in a conversation with another guy at the party.

GUY 1
I bet you have so many jokes about
that Anthony Weiner guy. I mean,
his name is Weiner! That's gotta
be a gift from the gods to
comedians.

CUT TO:

Dennis grabbing a beer from the refrigerator the same time as
another guy.

GUY 2
A beer in the hand is worth two in
the bush!

DENNIS
What?

GUY 2
Feel free to use that in one of
your bits.

DENNIS
Uh, thanks.

CUT TO:

Dennis steps outside for a smoke and is all alone until
another guy steps out to join him in a smoke.

GUY 3
Hey what's up man.

DENNIS
Hey.

GUY 3
You're that comedian guy, right?

Dennis braces himself for another terrible conversation.

DENNIS
Yeah, that's me.

GUY 3
Cool man. You know Joe Fullman?
Usually performs in South Jersey.
I used to go to school with him.

Dennis perks up, happy that the guy seems somewhat sane and
actually has something to talk about.

DENNIS
Yeah, I've just did his room in
Marlton. Joe's a good guy. Funny,
too.

GUY 3
Yeah man, he was gonna come tonight
but last time he was here everyone
just kept asking him stupid
questions.

DENNIS
That's why I'm out here.

They both laugh.

GUY 3
Yeah man I hate these guys. I'm
just here because my girlfriend is
friends with Hank's girlfriend.

DENNIS
You'd think these guys had never
met anyone who was doing something
other than trying to become a
doctor or lawyer.

GUY 3
Yeah, they suck. I know how from
Joe how much you guys hate all
those dumb questions or suggestions
for your act.

DENNIS
Yeah.

GUY 3
So, since you're a comedian, you
know where we could get some coke?

Dennis rolls his eyes realizing that the coolest guy at the
party is still a douche.

CUT TO:

Dennis and Guy 3 doing coke off a coffee table.

GUY 3 (CONT'D)
Seriously man, I love Dane Cook.

END

30 Sketches in 30 Days--#4 "The New Guy"

So I missed yesterday but I'll put two up today. Here's the first one--"The New Guy"


INT. COMEDY CLUB

A group of comedians is hanging out before an open mic.
They're talking and drinking some beers at the bar. FRANK is
a new comedian and looks out of place. He isn't talking to
anyone and keeps trying to get into conversations but has
nothing to say. Eventually he corners DOUG, a comedian he's
seen before who he thinks is funny.

FRANK
Hey, Doug, right?

Doug nods his head, trying to figure out if he's supposed to
know this stranger in front of him.

FRANK (CONT'D)
I saw you last month opening up for
Aries Spears. You were awesome.

Doug realizes that it's just a fan and is relieved

DOUG
Thanks so much man, it's always
nice to meet a fan. What's your
name?

FRANK
Frank. Frank Collins but I'm going
to go by Frankie Crack-up. on
stage. I'm trying to become a
comedian just like you, man. Got
any advice?

DOUG
Other than dropping the stage name?
What do you want to know man?

FRANK
Uh, I guess how do get more gigs?
I'm frustrated because I haven't
gotten any paying gigs yet and I'm
trying to quit my job and do this
full time.

DOUG
You gotta keep showing up at open
mics and working on your material.
Then eventually enough people will
see you that they'll start inviting
you to shows.

Frank looks kind of disapointed with the advice but plows on
with more questions

FRANK
Well after I start getting some
paying gigs, how long do you think
until I can start making good
money.

DOUG
7 to 10 years, if you're good and
lucky.

FRANK
Oh. At the very least this should
help my social life and help me
with the ladies, right? That's got
to be a nice perk.

DOUG
My friends don't talk to me anymore
because they know if they do that
I'm just going to invite them to a
show and they're too polite to say
no. And now every time I try to
hit on a girl all I can think about
is coming up with jokes about how
ridiculous the process of picking
up a girl is and then I fuck it up.

Doug looks more and more disgusted with the life of being a
comedian. Doug realizes he's upsetting the young comic and
tries to fix it.

DOUG (CONT'D)
I don't want to make it seem so
bad. There are some perks. Like
now I almost never have to pay for
a drink at most of the places I
perform.

The bartender walks over, seeing that Doug's drink is empty.

BARTENDER
Need another one?

DOUG
That'd be great

BARTENDER
We're out of those Colt 45s that we
accidentally ordered so I'm gonna
have to charge you for the next
one.

Doug looks kind of embarrassed but doesn't want to say no at
this point.

DOUG
Yeah, that's fine.

Doug and Frank just sit there in silence. Frank's dream of
the life of being a comedian being awesome has just been
shattered and Doug is upset that he couldn't even try to make
being a comedian seem cool even for two minutes.

DOUG (CONT'D)
You got five bucks I could borrow?

Happy Endings Ruined by Adding One More Scene

I like happy endings in movies. I know they’re hokey, I know it causes me to suspend my disbelief that we would actually be able to defeat the alien forces or that love really does conquer all, but that’s why I go to the movies in the first place. If I wanted to watch something that made me feel sad, I’d just stay at home and watch A&E.

The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.

(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)


Law Abiding Citizen

How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.

Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.

The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.

Judge
You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.

Rice
Yes, your honor

Judge
I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?

Rice
Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—

Judge
Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?

Rice
Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?

Judge
A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.

Rice
I did not think of that.

Judge
Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.

(Roll credits)


The Matrix: Revolutions

How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)

Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.

The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.

Morpheus
So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world

Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?

Morpheus
It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul

Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med

Morpheus
Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—

Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.

Morpheus
The war is over, we already won

Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?

Morpheus
(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us

(Awkward silence among the entire group)

Man 2
Is it too late to get one of those blue pills?

(Roll Credits)

Rounders

How We Saw it End
Mike defeats Teddy KGB in back-to-back heads-up poker games to pay off the debt and win back most of his bankroll that Teddy had taken from him in the first scene in the movie. Having outplayed his nemesis and built up a bankroll of $30,000, Mike decides to go to Las Vegas for the World Series of Poker and likely to try to become a professional poker player. We see him get in a cab and head towards the airport.

The Scene After That
Int. Security Line at the Airport

Mike is waiting for his bag on the other side of the X-ray machine. He looks at his watch and realizes that he does not have much time left to catch is plane to Vegas and is growing impatient as his bag is taking longer than usual. Multiple guards come over to look at the screen, eventually a supervisor is brought over.

TSA Agent
Sir, is this your bag?

Mike
Um, yeah. Is there a problem?

TSA Agent
Come with me, sir

Mike and the agent go into a back room with the bag. The agent opens the bag and pulls out $30,000 in cash and just looks at Mike.

TSA Agent
And what are you doing with this?

Mike
(Laughing)
Oh, it’s okay, I’m a poker player. I’m going to Las Vegas.

TSA Agent
So you won all this money in the casinos?

Mike
Uh, yeah. All at the casinos

TSA Agent
So you have proof of that, right? Something to show that this isn’t dirty money.

Mike
I do not.

TSA Agent
(Into walky talky)
We’re gonna need an IRS agent and DEA agent down here to do a full work-up on a mysterious bundle of cash.

(Roll Credits)



Independence Day

How We Saw it End
David and Captain Hiller successfully implant the virus in the mothership, giving the fighters on earth a chance to bring down the ships. They finally figure out that the way to bring down the ships is to fly Randy Quade into their primary weapon. We see the ships coming down all over the world and the Hiller and David make it back to earth just in time to keep the promises they made to their loved ones before the aliens came to show that they not only can they save the world, but they can grow as people.

The Scene After That
Ext. Desert outside of Area 51

President Whitmore talks with David and Hiller about how they was able to defeat the aliens as one of the giant ships burns in the background. People celebrate all around them.

President Whitmore
Gentlmen, great work. You saved the planet.

Hiller
It was an honor sir. Now I don’t mean to be too forward, but do you think this might get me bumped to the front of the list for getting into the NASA program?

President Whitmore
Unfortunately Houston was destroyed when I ordered a nuclear attack on one of the ships while it was there.

David
Well that’s understandable sir, but I’m sure we could just move the command center. In fact, I’d love to help you rebuild it.

President Whitmore
That’s very kind of you, but the attacker ships destroyed every major city in the country. The largest city left in the United States is Lincoln, Nebraska, and honestly, the nation’s infrastructure has just been destroyed, I’m still trying to figure out how to get food to people who live more than three miles from a self-sustaining farm, I don’t think we’re ready to rebuild the space program.

Hiller
Well I’m sure I won’t have to pay taxes at least, am I right?

President Whitmore
Well there’s no more banking system, and currency is probably more useful as a means to keep a warm fire going than anything else right now.

David
Well, jeez Mr. President, things seem pretty dire. Is there anything we can do to help?

President Whitmore
Just try not to resort to cannibalism until you have exhausted all other options.

(Roll credits)