Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Predicting the News Coverage--Sarah Palin's Presidential Announcement

What’s going on now

The former governor-turned-media darling-turned-attention whore has done every single thing that someone who is running for president would do while finding a way to get upset that people are asking her whether or not she’s running for president. Basically she’s like a girl at a bar who gets drunk, lets you take her home, takes off her clothes and throws you a condom then gets mad that you have the audacity to assume that you’re going to have sex.

Her newest adventure includes attending events in Iowa and New Hampshire next week. You know, because she really digs corn and whatever New Hampshire is famous for. It has nothing to do with the fact that those are the first two primary states and that no Republican has ever won the nomination without winning at least one of them.

It seems pretty likely that she will announce in the next week or so. The only thing that I think would keep her from running would be if internal polls show that she is even further behind than the national polls are showing right now—tied for a distant third. I’m sure she’s nervous that running and losing (Especially if she gets trounced) would be a huge hit to her credibility, but I think that there is no way she can keep up her current status as a leader in the conservative movement for another four years (Or eight if a Republican beats Obama).

I’m saying she’s going to run.

What will happen the day she announces

I don’t know when or where she will announce, but I know that Wolf Blitzer will announce it for CNN. It just seems like the breaking news will come out of his mouth. I can just feel it.

“After a television show, a mystery bus tour around the nation’s most historic locations, and almost three years of speculation, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and Tea Party darling, is running for president.”

It feels right, doesn’t it?

That day, every news channel will run five-minute biographies on a constant loop detailing all over her triumphs and gaffs and using a lot of still images of her waving to a crowd. If you watch the news for one hour you will hear her “Hockey mom/Pitbull” line from the 2004 GOP convention at least seven times.

The announcement itself will involve a lot of talk about how we need to reign in government spending and take a bunch of potshots at the “lamestream media” for not keeping a better eye on Obama and his crazy “spend money on infrastructure so that things keep working” ways. She will immediately tweet something about how she hates that the media is only covering her gaffs and not focusing on the real issue—that Obama is dangerous to this country and must be stopped. Then she’ll make a shotgun reference and use a winking emoticon.

One week after the announcement

After a couple days she will sit down with Sean Hannity and do a one-on-one interview that will be edited to make look like she knew the names of all the world leaders we have good relationships with and which country they represent.

CNN and MSNBC will have to hire a special reporter just to cover Palin and beg her six times a day if she’ll do an interview on their network. She will deflect the question when on camera and pass it off to her press secretary who will chide the news networks for crowding the governor and only allow an interview if the questions can be pre-screened. Rather than talk about how ridiculous that is, the news organizations will simply say that this “adds to the Palin mystique” and then go on covering her like she’s a legit candidate.

One month after the announcement

Palin will eventually have to go to a debate and try to explain why she is better than the rest of the candidates. Anytime one of the other candidates attacks her, she will invoke Ronald Reagan and say that we shouldn’t be trying to trash each other. I don’t think it will happen, but this is where Ron Paul should say “I knew Ron Regan, I was friends with Ron Regan, and Governor Palin, you’re no Ron Reagan.” If he did, it would start a war among the craziest fan bases and would present another opportunity for the media to spend 48 hours talking about Ron Paul being relevant.

What is more likely is that they will talk about how exposed Palin looked on stage. How she ducked too many questions and couldn’t seem to handle the pressure of the big stage. She will immediately fire back that she took the high road and that she stood by her principles not to bash other republican candidates in a primary because in the end the most important thing is that someone defeats Obama.

She will then go on the attack against the other republican candidates.

Six months after announcing

Sarah’s campaign is running on fumes at this point. After coming in second to Rick Perry in the Iowa Caucuses, she gets absolutely demolished in New Hampshire by Perry and Romney. After trying to tack right for much of the primaries, Romney sticks goes back to his more moderate roots and offers himself as the one candidate who can actually beat Obama and responds to everything that Perry and Palin say by just rolling his eyes and saying “you have GOT to be kidding me. We tried this with George Bush, that didn’t work. We can be conservatives without just bringing the same failed policies out and presenting them as new ideas.”

Palin immediately jumps on him, calling him a fake republican and tweets “wat wud u expect from a Massachusetts elitist? We need REAL conservatives now.”

She gets a little bit of traction when Michelle Bachman finally bows out of the race but after coming in second to Perry in South Carolina it becomes clear that she’s cooked. Before getting to the Florida primaries, she pens an essay on her Facebook account about how much she loves this country and how terrible it is that the media won’t give a woman a fair shake to become president. She brings up Hillary losing in 2004. Interviews with the Secretary of State mostly just involve her trying to hold back laughter when being compared to Palin.

Every newscast has a “Is Sarah Palin getting ready to drop out of the race” lead and Sarah figures out a way to do the same thing with quitting her race for the White House as she did with starting it. She starts cutting staff members, talking about how important it is that someone defeats Obama and that she wants to do what’s best for the party. When reporters follow up by asking if that means she’s quitting, she immediately gets upset and says that she is in this race to win it and that she wouldn’t be running if she didn’t think she had a good chance to win.

Then she will quit.

One year after her announcement

With Rick Perry as the nominee, it becomes clear that they can’t have two crazies on the ticket and she is passed over as a nominee for VP. She goes back to her job at Fox News and begins making moves to try to take over for Mike Huckabee after he is forced to retire due to having a heart attack after putting all the weight back on.

Two months before Election Day, “One Nation Under God, with Sarah Palin” airs on Fox News as a Friday night talk show, and we’re pretty much right back where we started.

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