Mitt Romney
The former businessman, Massachusetts governor and Old Navy display mannequin is banking on the idea that the economy is going to continue to be in the tank between now and election day. He has experience running for president, which is good for some reason.
How he could win:
Unemployment continues to stay close to 10%, the housing market falls into a double dip recession and Dow plunges back under 10,000, freaking out the GOP primary voters enough to hold their nose and vote for a Mormon. Once in the general election, he plays up his moderate side to win over independent voters in Ohio, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina and beats Obama.
How he could lose:
Gay marriage becomes law in New York and new provisions of Obamacare come into effect and rest of the GOP candidates successfully turn him simply link him to Obama and he becomes “just another Massachusetts liberal” before the first primary vote.
Sarah Palin
She hasn’t said whether or not she’s running, but that’s mostly because she hasn’t figured out a way to turn her campaign into a reality show called “Running with Sarah.”
How she could win:
She is a full-fledged superstar in the GOP and especially the within the Tea Party and among people who aren’t really sure what happened in history but like it when people pretend like they do. Polls show that the voters are dissatisfied with the current field, so she could show up fashionably late to the party and pick up a bunch of undecided votes before they realize she actually has to have three head-to-head debates with Obama.
How she could lose:
If you don’t love Palin, you hate her. She’s like vegemite that talks about things it doesn’t understand and then quits halfway through its term. She also is making about $650 billion a day right now, so there’s a good chance she just won’t run since it probably will only hurt her ability to make money and be an outsider who just makes comments.
Newt Gingrich
The former Speaker and current talking head is still technically in this race despite losing most of his to
p advisors and fundraisers just a couple weeks into his campaign.How he could win:
It would have to be a Marshall Football team situation with all of the GOP candidates and then on Election Day eve we would have to find out Obama is actually from Kenya.
How he could lose:
He would take a two week vacation right after starting his campaign, pissing off his staffers and causing most of them to quit and eventually leading to a mass exodus of fundraisers. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t think up anything better than what he already did)
Rick Santorum
The former Senator from Pennsylvania and anti man-on-dog marriage enthusiast has gotten bored doing whatever it is that he’s doing and wants to get back into politics.
How he could win:
Gay marriage passes in New York and then is brought up in other states making in the number one issue. As the far right investigates the gay agenda they discover that it was actually the homosexuals who were behind 9/11. Santorum puts Ron Paul on his ticket to get religious nuts and fiscal nuts out to the polls they win every state except California and Massachusetts.
How he could lose:
As long as sometime between now and 2012 we don’t start referring to “The Gays” the way they refer to the aliens on “Falling Skies,” he’s going to lose.
Tim Pawlenty
The former Minnesota Governor is best known for, um, for, uh, his name coming up a lot during the Al Franken senate recount in 2008.
How he could win:
Imagine if you will: Your average GOP primary voter walks into the booth and stares at his options. He f
ears that Bachman, Paul and Santorum are too crazy to win in a general election and Romney is too liberal (And too Mormon-y). And he’s no racist, but he can’t bring himself to vote for Herman Cain because the idea of having the presidency come down to TWO black guys just doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe he should just not vote for anyone and walk out of the voting booth. But wait, what’s this? Tim Pawlenty? Sounds like just the kind of not-crazy-not-Mormon-not-black kind of candidate he’s looking for.How he could lose:
Has anyone been watching politics over the last couple of years? The GOP voters are not looking for boring right now. He’d do great in 1992, though.
Michele Bachmann
The founder of the Tea Party Caucus in congress, Bachmann has made the national debt the number one issue since 2009. It’s probably in her “interests” section in her Facebook profile.
How she could win:
We would have to find out that the national debt is much worse than we thought. I don’t mean that the number is higher; I mean that national debt has sex slaves, a stash of child pornography and sold nuclear secrets to Iran.
How she could lose:
Just keep showing up to debates.
Herman Cain
The pizza chain CEO and Tea Party activist is known for being anti-healthcare reform, anti-Sharia law, and a
n example for Tea Party activists to use to prove they aren’t racist.How he could win:
He has plenty of conservative credentials and no actual political experience, which if you have been following a long the last few years is a good thing now. He’s a pretty good speaker, charismatic and black. He’s everything the right hates about Obama except the political views, and they just might vote for him.
How he could lose:
Instead of talking about jobs he’s talking about Sharia law and making bills less than three pages long. Oh, and I’m not saying his skin told will hold him back, but I think there could be some racist people voting and there are white guys on the ticket, so we’ll see how that goes for him.
Ron Paul
So adorable.
How he could win:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
How he could lose:
See: 1988, 2008.
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