Celebrity New Years Resolutions

Mitt Romney
Stop internal dialogue from answering every question from a constituent with “You disgust me and I want nothing more than to be somewhere else, but I’m going to respond anyway because I want to be president.”

Newt Gingrich
Put the nose to the grindstone and start working those 25-hour weeks as much as possible.

Rick Perry
Win the election, set the record for executions in a year in Texas, and, um, oh boy, what’s the third one?

Barack Obama
Build off of 2011 and take out Ahmadinejad, Chavez, Castro, and whoever greenlit “Whitney”.

Kim Jong Un
Watch the carbs, so really cut down on the bags official US Government Aide rice.


Rex Ryan
Bring in that big-name free agent with a checkered past that will finally put the Jets over-the-top.

Sidney Crosby
Remember which ones are forks and which one is the shampoo.

Roger Goodell
Get all defensive players to wear #92 so that it’s more fun fining people.

Michael Vick
Let that hand fully heal so he can finally think straight and stop getting all those headaches.