Wednesday, January 4, 2012

GOP Candidates' Post-Iowa Meeting Minutes

I received a copy of the minutes from all the major GOP candidates’ morning meeting following last night’s Iowa caucuses.

Mitt Romney
Location: Ritz Carlton conference room
In Attendance: Romney, campaign manager, communications director, field director, media consultant
Meeting time: 8am

· Opening prayer: Mitt thanks the Lord Almighty for blessing him and his team with the strength to pull out a hard-fought victory in Iowa against a strong field that would all make better presidents than Barack Obama
· Campaign manager reminds Mitt that he’s among friends and that he can drop the bullshit
· Mitt thanks Joseph Smith for the pleasure of watching Newt Gingrich go down in flames

Plan for New Hampshire

· Mitt to leave right after meeting, will stop in at a maple syrup manufacturing plant or whatever it is these New Hampshire people make to discuss his jobs plan
· Campaign Manager reminds team not to schedule any stops at plants where Mitt went in and fired everyone when he worked in the private sector
· It should be an easy win, but margin of victory is important
· Media consultant asks if he can run more negative Newt Gingrich ads. Not because they’re worried about him winning, but just because it was so much fun
· Mitt chips in $100,000 of his own money for the cause


· Everyone giggles but Mitt at the mention of the word
· Campaign must show that the former PA senator is unelectable in a general election
· Mitt suggests simply showing that the last time he ran in a general election, he lost by 20 points in Pennsylvania, an important swing state
· Campaign manager reminds team that polls show that this data actually improves his standing within the Tea Party for some reason
· Media consultant suggests they just let Santorum keep talking, possibly even schedule some interviews for him with major news outlets to help voters come to conclusion on their own

End of meeting: 8:30am

Rick Santorum
In attendance: Rick Santorum, Santorum’s wife and children, Pastor, Campaign Manager
Location: Church
Meeting start time: 6am

· Opening prayer service
· Pastor leads three hour service that campaign manager eventually asks to be cut short because they have to discuss business
· Pastor warns that if they can’t finish the service, that gays will start forcibly marrying straights by lunchtime

Iowa recap

· Campaign manager discusses what worked, what didn’t in Iowa
· Santorum family discusses times they prayed hard and times they probably didn’t pray hard enough

New Hampshire

· Campaign manager insists that communications director be allowed in to discuss press strategy, but Santorum said that he interferes with his direct line to God
· Santorum children sacrifice an un-baptized child at the altar as an offering to God so that their father may win more delegates in New Hampshire

End of meeting: 1pm

No meeting. RON PAUL believes that the free market should decide when he gets to New Hampshire, not some campaign bureaucrat.

Newt Gingrich
Location of meeting: Newt’s hotel room
People in attendance: Newt Gingrich

Mitt Romney


New Hampshire

· Get to New Hampshire before Mitt Romney so that when Mitt Romney lands you can throw eggs at his stupid face
· Talk with media and finance team about getting a payday loan to run ads DESTROY MITT ROMNEY

Rick Perry
Meeting Location: Nothing with a racist name or anything
In attendance: Rick Perry, Campaign manager

· Opening prayer cancelled in lieu of taking 5 minutes to defecate on pictures of Mitt Romney followed by 12 minutes of smirking in the mirror

Poll numbers

· Campaign manager admits there is no longer a path to victory and that it would be wise to end campaign

Concession speech

· Rick will give concession speech from Texas with a crowd of supporters and be gracious towards everyone except Mitt Romney
· To lift the spirits of Rick and his supporters, following his concession speech, he will hold public executions on seven straight nights

Michelle Bachmann
Meeting location: Marcus’ shrine to Brad Pitt
People in attendance: Michelle Bachmann, Campaign Manager, Marcus Bachmann, Financial Advisor

Opening Prayer

· Michelle speaks in tongues for 45 minutes
· Mass confusion when it turns out Michelle was talking policy ideas for previous 45 minutes, not speaking in tongues


· After disappointing finish, campaign manager suggests ending nomination bid
· Michelle looks like she’s going to cry and Marcus suggests having a “girls night in” where they just watch a bad romantic comedies and eat Ben and Jerry’s

Concession speech

· Bachmann agrees that she should concede and that she will no longer pursue the nomination, calls TLC to ask if they’d be interested in doing a show called “Bachmann’s Minnessota.”
· TLC declines but A&E is tempted to put it in between “Storage Wars: Texas” and “Intervention”

Jon Huntsman
No meeting, Huntsman totally forgot Caucuses were this week.

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