Another sketch. This one a little less quick...
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Predicting the News Coverage--Sarah Palin's Presidential Announcement
What’s going on now
The former governor-turned-media darling-turned-attention whore has done every single thing that someone who is running for president would do while finding a way to get upset that people are asking her whether or not she’s running for president. Basically she’s like a girl at a bar who gets drunk, lets you take her home, takes off her clothes and throws you a condom then gets mad that you have the audacity to assume that you’re going to have sex.
Her newest adventure includes attending events in Iowa and New Hampshire next week. You know, because she really digs corn and whatever New Hampshire is famous for. It has nothing to do with the fact that those are the first two primary states and that no Republican has ever won the nomination without winning at least one of them.
It seems pretty likely that she will announce in the next week or so. The only thing that I think would keep her from running would be if internal polls show that she is even further behind than the national polls are showing right now—tied for a distant third. I’m sure she’s nervous that running and losing (Especially if she gets trounced) would be a huge hit to her credibility, but I think that there is no way she can keep up her current status as a leader in the conservative movement for another four years (Or eight if a Republican beats Obama).
I’m saying she’s going to run.
What will happen the day she announces
I don’t know when or where she will announce, but I know that Wolf Blitzer will announce it for CNN. It just seems like the breaking news will come out of his mouth. I can just feel it.
“After a television show, a mystery bus tour around the nation’s most historic locations, and almost three years of speculation, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and Tea Party darling, is running for president.”
It feels right, doesn’t it?
That day, every news channel will run five-minute biographies on a constant loop detailing all over her triumphs and gaffs and using a lot of still images of her waving to a crowd. If you watch the news for one hour you will hear her “Hockey mom/Pitbull” line from the 2004 GOP convention at least seven times.
The announcement itself will involve a lot of talk about how we need to reign in government spending and take a bunch of potshots at the “lamestream media” for not keeping a better eye on Obama and his crazy “spend money on infrastructure so that things keep working” ways. She will immediately tweet something about how she hates that the media is only covering her gaffs and not focusing on the real issue—that Obama is dangerous to this country and must be stopped. Then she’ll make a shotgun reference and use a winking emoticon.
One week after the announcement
After a couple days she will sit down with Sean Hannity and do a one-on-one interview that will be edited to make look like she knew the names of all the world leaders we have good relationships with and which country they represent.
CNN and MSNBC will have to hire a special reporter just to cover Palin and beg her six times a day if she’ll do an interview on their network. She will deflect the question when on camera and pass it off to her press secretary who will chide the news networks for crowding the governor and only allow an interview if the questions can be pre-screened. Rather than talk about how ridiculous that is, the news organizations will simply say that this “adds to the Palin mystique” and then go on covering her like she’s a legit candidate.
One month after the announcement
Palin will eventually have to go to a debate and try to explain why she is better than the rest of the candidates. Anytime one of the other candidates attacks her, she will invoke Ronald Reagan and say that we shouldn’t be trying to trash each other. I don’t think it will happen, but this is where Ron Paul should say “I knew Ron Regan, I was friends with Ron Regan, and Governor Palin, you’re no Ron Reagan.” If he did, it would start a war among the craziest fan bases and would present another opportunity for the media to spend 48 hours talking about Ron Paul being relevant.
What is more likely is that they will talk about how exposed Palin looked on stage. How she ducked too many questions and couldn’t seem to handle the pressure of the big stage. She will immediately fire back that she took the high road and that she stood by her principles not to bash other republican candidates in a primary because in the end the most important thing is that someone defeats Obama.
She will then go on the attack against the other republican candidates.
Six months after announcing
Sarah’s campaign is running on fumes at this point. After coming in second to Rick Perry in the Iowa Caucuses, she gets absolutely demolished in New Hampshire by Perry and Romney. After trying to tack right for much of the primaries, Romney sticks goes back to his more moderate roots and offers himself as the one candidate who can actually beat Obama and responds to everything that Perry and Palin say by just rolling his eyes and saying “you have GOT to be kidding me. We tried this with George Bush, that didn’t work. We can be conservatives without just bringing the same failed policies out and presenting them as new ideas.”
Palin immediately jumps on him, calling him a fake republican and tweets “wat wud u expect from a Massachusetts elitist? We need REAL conservatives now.”
She gets a little bit of traction when Michelle Bachman finally bows out of the race but after coming in second to Perry in South Carolina it becomes clear that she’s cooked. Before getting to the Florida primaries, she pens an essay on her Facebook account about how much she loves this country and how terrible it is that the media won’t give a woman a fair shake to become president. She brings up Hillary losing in 2004. Interviews with the Secretary of State mostly just involve her trying to hold back laughter when being compared to Palin.
Every newscast has a “Is Sarah Palin getting ready to drop out of the race” lead and Sarah figures out a way to do the same thing with quitting her race for the White House as she did with starting it. She starts cutting staff members, talking about how important it is that someone defeats Obama and that she wants to do what’s best for the party. When reporters follow up by asking if that means she’s quitting, she immediately gets upset and says that she is in this race to win it and that she wouldn’t be running if she didn’t think she had a good chance to win.
Then she will quit.
One year after her announcement
With Rick Perry as the nominee, it becomes clear that they can’t have two crazies on the ticket and she is passed over as a nominee for VP. She goes back to her job at Fox News and begins making moves to try to take over for Mike Huckabee after he is forced to retire due to having a heart attack after putting all the weight back on.
Two months before Election Day, “One Nation Under God, with Sarah Palin” airs on Fox News as a Friday night talk show, and we’re pretty much right back where we started.
The former governor-turned-media darling-turned-attention whore has done every single thing that someone who is running for president would do while finding a way to get upset that people are asking her whether or not she’s running for president. Basically she’s like a girl at a bar who gets drunk, lets you take her home, takes off her clothes and throws you a condom then gets mad that you have the audacity to assume that you’re going to have sex.
Her newest adventure includes attending events in Iowa and New Hampshire next week. You know, because she really digs corn and whatever New Hampshire is famous for. It has nothing to do with the fact that those are the first two primary states and that no Republican has ever won the nomination without winning at least one of them.
It seems pretty likely that she will announce in the next week or so. The only thing that I think would keep her from running would be if internal polls show that she is even further behind than the national polls are showing right now—tied for a distant third. I’m sure she’s nervous that running and losing (Especially if she gets trounced) would be a huge hit to her credibility, but I think that there is no way she can keep up her current status as a leader in the conservative movement for another four years (Or eight if a Republican beats Obama).
I’m saying she’s going to run.
What will happen the day she announces
I don’t know when or where she will announce, but I know that Wolf Blitzer will announce it for CNN. It just seems like the breaking news will come out of his mouth. I can just feel it.
“After a television show, a mystery bus tour around the nation’s most historic locations, and almost three years of speculation, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and Tea Party darling, is running for president.”
It feels right, doesn’t it?
That day, every news channel will run five-minute biographies on a constant loop detailing all over her triumphs and gaffs and using a lot of still images of her waving to a crowd. If you watch the news for one hour you will hear her “Hockey mom/Pitbull” line from the 2004 GOP convention at least seven times.
The announcement itself will involve a lot of talk about how we need to reign in government spending and take a bunch of potshots at the “lamestream media” for not keeping a better eye on Obama and his crazy “spend money on infrastructure so that things keep working” ways. She will immediately tweet something about how she hates that the media is only covering her gaffs and not focusing on the real issue—that Obama is dangerous to this country and must be stopped. Then she’ll make a shotgun reference and use a winking emoticon.
One week after the announcement
After a couple days she will sit down with Sean Hannity and do a one-on-one interview that will be edited to make look like she knew the names of all the world leaders we have good relationships with and which country they represent.
CNN and MSNBC will have to hire a special reporter just to cover Palin and beg her six times a day if she’ll do an interview on their network. She will deflect the question when on camera and pass it off to her press secretary who will chide the news networks for crowding the governor and only allow an interview if the questions can be pre-screened. Rather than talk about how ridiculous that is, the news organizations will simply say that this “adds to the Palin mystique” and then go on covering her like she’s a legit candidate.
One month after the announcement
Palin will eventually have to go to a debate and try to explain why she is better than the rest of the candidates. Anytime one of the other candidates attacks her, she will invoke Ronald Reagan and say that we shouldn’t be trying to trash each other. I don’t think it will happen, but this is where Ron Paul should say “I knew Ron Regan, I was friends with Ron Regan, and Governor Palin, you’re no Ron Reagan.” If he did, it would start a war among the craziest fan bases and would present another opportunity for the media to spend 48 hours talking about Ron Paul being relevant.
What is more likely is that they will talk about how exposed Palin looked on stage. How she ducked too many questions and couldn’t seem to handle the pressure of the big stage. She will immediately fire back that she took the high road and that she stood by her principles not to bash other republican candidates in a primary because in the end the most important thing is that someone defeats Obama.
She will then go on the attack against the other republican candidates.
Six months after announcing
Sarah’s campaign is running on fumes at this point. After coming in second to Rick Perry in the Iowa Caucuses, she gets absolutely demolished in New Hampshire by Perry and Romney. After trying to tack right for much of the primaries, Romney sticks goes back to his more moderate roots and offers himself as the one candidate who can actually beat Obama and responds to everything that Perry and Palin say by just rolling his eyes and saying “you have GOT to be kidding me. We tried this with George Bush, that didn’t work. We can be conservatives without just bringing the same failed policies out and presenting them as new ideas.”
Palin immediately jumps on him, calling him a fake republican and tweets “wat wud u expect from a Massachusetts elitist? We need REAL conservatives now.”
She gets a little bit of traction when Michelle Bachman finally bows out of the race but after coming in second to Perry in South Carolina it becomes clear that she’s cooked. Before getting to the Florida primaries, she pens an essay on her Facebook account about how much she loves this country and how terrible it is that the media won’t give a woman a fair shake to become president. She brings up Hillary losing in 2004. Interviews with the Secretary of State mostly just involve her trying to hold back laughter when being compared to Palin.
Every newscast has a “Is Sarah Palin getting ready to drop out of the race” lead and Sarah figures out a way to do the same thing with quitting her race for the White House as she did with starting it. She starts cutting staff members, talking about how important it is that someone defeats Obama and that she wants to do what’s best for the party. When reporters follow up by asking if that means she’s quitting, she immediately gets upset and says that she is in this race to win it and that she wouldn’t be running if she didn’t think she had a good chance to win.
Then she will quit.
One year after her announcement
With Rick Perry as the nominee, it becomes clear that they can’t have two crazies on the ticket and she is passed over as a nominee for VP. She goes back to her job at Fox News and begins making moves to try to take over for Mike Huckabee after he is forced to retire due to having a heart attack after putting all the weight back on.
Two months before Election Day, “One Nation Under God, with Sarah Palin” airs on Fox News as a Friday night talk show, and we’re pretty much right back where we started.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Happy Endings Ruined by Adding One More Scene
I like happy endings in movies. I know they’re hokey, I know it causes me to suspend my disbelief that we would actually be able to defeat the alien forces or that love really does conquer all, but that’s why I go to the movies in the first place. If I wanted to watch something that made me feel sad, I’d just stay at home and watch A&E.
The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.
(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)
Law Abiding Citizen
How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.
Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.
The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.
Judge
You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.
Rice
Yes, your honor
Judge
I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?
Rice
Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—
Judge
Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?
Rice
Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?
Judge
A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.
Rice
I did not think of that.
Judge
Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.
(Roll credits)
The Matrix: Revolutions
How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)
Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.
The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.
Morpheus
So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world
Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?
Morpheus
It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul
Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med
Morpheus
Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—
Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.
Morpheus
The war is over, we already won
Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?
Morpheus
(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us
(Awkward silence among the entire group)
The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.
(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)
Law Abiding Citizen
How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.
Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.
The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.
Judge
You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.
Rice
Yes, your honor
Judge
I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?
Rice
Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—
Judge
Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?
Rice
Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?
Judge
A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.
Rice
I did not think of that.
Judge
Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.
(Roll credits)
The Matrix: Revolutions
How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)
Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.
The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.
Morpheus
So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world
Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?
Morpheus
It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul
Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med
Morpheus
Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—
Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.
Morpheus
The war is over, we already won
Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?
Morpheus
(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us
(Awkward silence among the entire group)
Man 2
Is it too late to get one of those blue pills?
(Roll Credits)
Rounders
How We Saw it End
Mike defeats Teddy KGB in back-to-back heads-up poker games to pay off the debt and win back most of his bankroll that Teddy had taken from him in the first scene in the movie. Having outplayed his nemesis and built up a bankroll of $30,000, Mike decides to go to Las Vegas for the World Series of Poker and likely to try to become a professional poker player. We see him get in a cab and head towards the airport.
The Scene After That
Int. Security Line at the Airport
Mike is waiting for his bag on the other side of the X-ray machine. He looks at his watch and realizes that he does not have much time left to catch is plane to Vegas and is growing impatient as his bag is taking longer than usual. Multiple guards come over to look at the screen, eventually a supervisor is brought over.
TSA Agent
Sir, is this your bag?
Mike
Um, yeah. Is there a problem?
TSA Agent
Come with me, sir
Mike and the agent go into a back room with the bag. The agent opens the bag and pulls out $30,000 in cash and just looks at Mike.
TSA Agent
And what are you doing with this?
Mike
(Laughing)
Oh, it’s okay, I’m a poker player. I’m going to Las Vegas.
TSA Agent
So you won all this money in the casinos?
Mike
Uh, yeah. All at the casinos
TSA Agent
So you have proof of that, right? Something to show that this isn’t dirty money.
Mike
I do not.
TSA Agent
(Into walky talky)
We’re gonna need an IRS agent and DEA agent down here to do a full work-up on a mysterious bundle of cash.
(Roll Credits)
Independence Day
How We Saw it End
David and Captain Hiller successfully implant the virus in the mothership, giving the fighters on earth a chance to bring down the ships. They finally figure out that the way to bring down the ships is to fly Randy Quade into their primary weapon. We see the ships coming down all over the world and the Hiller and David make it back to earth just in time to keep the promises they made to their loved ones before the aliens came to show that they not only can they save the world, but they can grow as people.
The Scene After That
Ext. Desert outside of Area 51
President Whitmore talks with David and Hiller about how they was able to defeat the aliens as one of the giant ships burns in the background. People celebrate all around them.
President Whitmore
Gentlmen, great work. You saved the planet.
Hiller
It was an honor sir. Now I don’t mean to be too forward, but do you think this might get me bumped to the front of the list for getting into the NASA program?
President Whitmore
Unfortunately Houston was destroyed when I ordered a nuclear attack on one of the ships while it was there.
David
Well that’s understandable sir, but I’m sure we could just move the command center. In fact, I’d love to help you rebuild it.
President Whitmore
That’s very kind of you, but the attacker ships destroyed every major city in the country. The largest city left in the United States is Lincoln, Nebraska, and honestly, the nation’s infrastructure has just been destroyed, I’m still trying to figure out how to get food to people who live more than three miles from a self-sustaining farm, I don’t think we’re ready to rebuild the space program.
Hiller
Well I’m sure I won’t have to pay taxes at least, am I right?
President Whitmore
Well there’s no more banking system, and currency is probably more useful as a means to keep a warm fire going than anything else right now.
David
Well, jeez Mr. President, things seem pretty dire. Is there anything we can do to help?
President Whitmore
Just try not to resort to cannibalism until you have exhausted all other options.
(Roll credits)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
2012: Armageddon Doesn't Sound So Bad
With just a mere 17 months until Election day 2012, the GOP Presidential nominees have already had one debate and are starting to jockey for position to take on President Obama. So who are these candidates and what are their chances?
Mitt Romney
The former businessman, Massachusetts governor and Old Navy display mannequin is banking on the idea that the economy is going to continue to be in the tank between now and election day. He has experience running for president, which is good for some reason.
How he could win:
Unemployment continues to stay close to 10%, the housing market falls into a double dip recession and Dow plunges back under 10,000, freaking out the GOP primary voters enough to hold their nose and vote for a Mormon. Once in the general election, he plays up his moderate side to win over independent voters in Ohio, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina and beats Obama.
How he could lose:
Gay marriage becomes law in New York and new provisions of Obamacare come into effect and rest of the GOP candidates successfully turn him simply link him to Obama and he becomes “just another Massachusetts liberal” before the first primary vote.
Sarah Palin
She hasn’t said whether or not she’s running, but that’s mostly because she hasn’t figured out a way to turn her campaign into a reality show called “Running with Sarah.”
How she could win:
She is a full-fledged superstar in the GOP and especially the within the Tea Party and among people who aren’t really sure what happened in history but like it when people pretend like they do. Polls show that the voters are dissatisfied with the current field, so she could show up fashionably late to the party and pick up a bunch of undecided votes before they realize she actually has to have three head-to-head debates with Obama.
How she could lose:
If you don’t love Palin, you hate her. She’s like vegemite that talks about things it doesn’t understand and then quits halfway through its term. She also is making about $650 billion a day right now, so there’s a good chance she just won’t run since it probably will only hurt her ability to make money and be an outsider who just makes comments.
Newt Gingrich
The former Speaker and current talking head is still technically in this race despite losing most of his to
p advisors and fundraisers just a couple weeks into his campaign.
How he could win:
It would have to be a Marshall Football team situation with all of the GOP candidates and then on Election Day eve we would have to find out Obama is actually from Kenya.
How he could lose:
He would take a two week vacation right after starting his campaign, pissing off his staffers and causing most of them to quit and eventually leading to a mass exodus of fundraisers. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t think up anything better than what he already did)
Rick Santorum
The former Senator from Pennsylvania and anti man-on-dog marriage enthusiast has gotten bored doing whatever it is that he’s doing and wants to get back into politics.
How he could win:
Gay marriage passes in New York and then is brought up in other states making in the number one issue. As the far right investigates the gay agenda they discover that it was actually the homosexuals who were behind 9/11. Santorum puts Ron Paul on his ticket to get religious nuts and fiscal nuts out to the polls they win every state except California and Massachusetts.
How he could lose:
As long as sometime between now and 2012 we don’t start referring to “The Gays” the way they refer to the aliens on “Falling Skies,” he’s going to lose.
Tim Pawlenty
The former Minnesota Governor is best known for, um, for, uh, his name coming up a lot during the Al Franken senate recount in 2008.
How he could win:
Imagine if you will: Your average GOP primary voter walks into the booth and stares at his options. He f
ears that Bachman, Paul and Santorum are too crazy to win in a general election and Romney is too liberal (And too Mormon-y). And he’s no racist, but he can’t bring himself to vote for Herman Cain because the idea of having the presidency come down to TWO black guys just doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe he should just not vote for anyone and walk out of the voting booth. But wait, what’s this? Tim Pawlenty? Sounds like just the kind of not-crazy-not-Mormon-not-black kind of candidate he’s looking for.
How he could lose:
Has anyone been watching politics over the last couple of years? The GOP voters are not looking for boring right now. He’d do great in 1992, though.
Michele Bachmann
The founder of the Tea Party Caucus in congress, Bachmann has made the national debt the number one issue since 2009. It’s probably in her “interests” section in her Facebook profile.
How she could win:
We would have to find out that the national debt is much worse than we thought. I don’t mean that the number is higher; I mean that national debt has sex slaves, a stash of child pornography and sold nuclear secrets to Iran.
How she could lose:
Just keep showing up to debates.
Herman Cain
The pizza chain CEO and Tea Party activist is known for being anti-healthcare reform, anti-Sharia law, and a
n example for Tea Party activists to use to prove they aren’t racist.
How he could win:
He has plenty of conservative credentials and no actual political experience, which if you have been following a long the last few years is a good thing now. He’s a pretty good speaker, charismatic and black. He’s everything the right hates about Obama except the political views, and they just might vote for him.
How he could lose:
Instead of talking about jobs he’s talking about Sharia law and making bills less than three pages long. Oh, and I’m not saying his skin told will hold him back, but I think there could be some racist people voting and there are white guys on the ticket, so we’ll see how that goes for him.
Ron Paul
So adorable.
How he could win:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
How he could lose:
See: 1988, 2008.
Mitt Romney
The former businessman, Massachusetts governor and Old Navy display mannequin is banking on the idea that the economy is going to continue to be in the tank between now and election day. He has experience running for president, which is good for some reason.
How he could win:
Unemployment continues to stay close to 10%, the housing market falls into a double dip recession and Dow plunges back under 10,000, freaking out the GOP primary voters enough to hold their nose and vote for a Mormon. Once in the general election, he plays up his moderate side to win over independent voters in Ohio, Florida, Virginia and North Carolina and beats Obama.
How he could lose:
Gay marriage becomes law in New York and new provisions of Obamacare come into effect and rest of the GOP candidates successfully turn him simply link him to Obama and he becomes “just another Massachusetts liberal” before the first primary vote.
Sarah Palin
She hasn’t said whether or not she’s running, but that’s mostly because she hasn’t figured out a way to turn her campaign into a reality show called “Running with Sarah.”
How she could win:
She is a full-fledged superstar in the GOP and especially the within the Tea Party and among people who aren’t really sure what happened in history but like it when people pretend like they do. Polls show that the voters are dissatisfied with the current field, so she could show up fashionably late to the party and pick up a bunch of undecided votes before they realize she actually has to have three head-to-head debates with Obama.
How she could lose:
If you don’t love Palin, you hate her. She’s like vegemite that talks about things it doesn’t understand and then quits halfway through its term. She also is making about $650 billion a day right now, so there’s a good chance she just won’t run since it probably will only hurt her ability to make money and be an outsider who just makes comments.
Newt Gingrich
The former Speaker and current talking head is still technically in this race despite losing most of his to
p advisors and fundraisers just a couple weeks into his campaign.How he could win:
It would have to be a Marshall Football team situation with all of the GOP candidates and then on Election Day eve we would have to find out Obama is actually from Kenya.
How he could lose:
He would take a two week vacation right after starting his campaign, pissing off his staffers and causing most of them to quit and eventually leading to a mass exodus of fundraisers. (I’m sorry, I couldn’t think up anything better than what he already did)
Rick Santorum
The former Senator from Pennsylvania and anti man-on-dog marriage enthusiast has gotten bored doing whatever it is that he’s doing and wants to get back into politics.
How he could win:
Gay marriage passes in New York and then is brought up in other states making in the number one issue. As the far right investigates the gay agenda they discover that it was actually the homosexuals who were behind 9/11. Santorum puts Ron Paul on his ticket to get religious nuts and fiscal nuts out to the polls they win every state except California and Massachusetts.
How he could lose:
As long as sometime between now and 2012 we don’t start referring to “The Gays” the way they refer to the aliens on “Falling Skies,” he’s going to lose.
Tim Pawlenty
The former Minnesota Governor is best known for, um, for, uh, his name coming up a lot during the Al Franken senate recount in 2008.
How he could win:
Imagine if you will: Your average GOP primary voter walks into the booth and stares at his options. He f
ears that Bachman, Paul and Santorum are too crazy to win in a general election and Romney is too liberal (And too Mormon-y). And he’s no racist, but he can’t bring himself to vote for Herman Cain because the idea of having the presidency come down to TWO black guys just doesn’t sit right with him. Maybe he should just not vote for anyone and walk out of the voting booth. But wait, what’s this? Tim Pawlenty? Sounds like just the kind of not-crazy-not-Mormon-not-black kind of candidate he’s looking for.How he could lose:
Has anyone been watching politics over the last couple of years? The GOP voters are not looking for boring right now. He’d do great in 1992, though.
Michele Bachmann
The founder of the Tea Party Caucus in congress, Bachmann has made the national debt the number one issue since 2009. It’s probably in her “interests” section in her Facebook profile.
How she could win:
We would have to find out that the national debt is much worse than we thought. I don’t mean that the number is higher; I mean that national debt has sex slaves, a stash of child pornography and sold nuclear secrets to Iran.
How she could lose:
Just keep showing up to debates.
Herman Cain
The pizza chain CEO and Tea Party activist is known for being anti-healthcare reform, anti-Sharia law, and a
n example for Tea Party activists to use to prove they aren’t racist.How he could win:
He has plenty of conservative credentials and no actual political experience, which if you have been following a long the last few years is a good thing now. He’s a pretty good speaker, charismatic and black. He’s everything the right hates about Obama except the political views, and they just might vote for him.
How he could lose:
Instead of talking about jobs he’s talking about Sharia law and making bills less than three pages long. Oh, and I’m not saying his skin told will hold him back, but I think there could be some racist people voting and there are white guys on the ticket, so we’ll see how that goes for him.
Ron Paul
So adorable.
How he could win:
HAHAHAHAHAHA
How he could lose:
See: 1988, 2008.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
I'm So Excited, I'm So Scared (Pirates Edition)
As I write this, the Pittsburgh Pirates are 29-30, and I am excited. My friends and I are exchanging emails wondering if this is “the year.” Not the year where they win the World Series, or win the division, or even make the playoffs, but simply make it to .500. They haven’t done so since 1992—when I was six years old—and there is a buzz in the ‘Burgh that Clint Hurdle has this rag tag group of nobodies playing mediocre baseball like no one expected.
If the Pirates do end up making it to 81 wins this year, then we can look back and feel like all this excitement will have had some merit. As a Pirates fan, however, I feel like I have been duped before, and I worry that this I am just getting set up to be embarrassed again.
If I put up a list of the most embarrassing moments of the Pirates’ last 19 years, I would probably be able to write 20,000 words on Kevin Young alone. So instead, here is a list of the most embarrassing things that I actually got excited about while through the almost two decades of futility of Pirates baseball:
Chad Hermansen
Drafted in 1995 with the 10th overall pick, Hermansen was immediately named the savior of the franchise. For years, the front office touted how well he was doing in the minor leagues and how he was progressing into a future superstar, ready to be the next great outfielder to replace Barry Bonds and Andy van Slyke.
Finally, in September of 1999, the Pirates called up the Baseball Jesus in what would surely be the beginning of a long and illustrious, Hall of Fame career. Aaaaaand he hit a whopping .233 with 1 home run and one RBI in 19 games. But no big deal, right? It was just the September call ups. Certainly in his first full season he would really start to hit.
Or not. .185 over 33 games with 2 home runs, 8 RBIs and a coach ticket right back to AAA to work on his swing.
He came back in 2001 and hit .164 over 22 games and finally the Pirates let him go. He bounced around in the Cubs, Marlins and Mets organizations for a few years before retiring. His final stat line in the majors: .195, 13 HR, 34 RBI in 6 seasons.
Moving Jason Kendall to left field
Jason Kendall was a fun player to watch his first couple of years in the league. He didn’t wear batting gloves, he had a big wad of chew in his cheek, he led the league in getting hit by pitch almost every year, and he was a catcher who could bat leadoff. We had to do whatever we could to make sure we kept him around for a long time, because he would certainly lead help lead us to the playoffs one day.
In 2001, right after making Jason Kendal the second richest catcher only to Mike Piazza, the Pirates decided that the best way to protect their investment was to try to move him to left field. It made sense. Craig Biggio had moved from catcher to second base a few years into his career to help protect his knees and it allowed him to play well into his 30s.
On paper, it actually still looks like it wasn’t such a bad move. In his worst season he hit .266 and that was the only season with the team that he hit below .280. However, from 2001-2003 he hit 19 home runs. Total. And that includes the magical 2001 season when he went crazy and hit 10 dingers. Forget that he was such an awful left fielder that (.906 fielding percentage) that the Pirates abandoned the experiment after just 27 games. The Pirates had 18% of their salary locked up on someone providing the offensive prowess as Placido Polonco, who cost about 1/6 as much.
The 2003 Season
In the 2002 offseason, the Pirates finally went out and signed some veteran talent. They went out and got Kenny Lofton, Reggie Sanders and Randall Simon in free agency. They already had young talent with Aramis Ramirez at third and the up and coming Jason Bay in left, with some young pitching that could really get some confidence behind what looked like it could turn into one of the better offenses in the league.
But by the beginning of May, the Buccos were already six games under .500 and never recovered. Everyone forgot that the group of veterans they got might as well have been stand-ins from the movie “Space Cowboys.” It’s okay to have one or two old guys who have lost their abilities and are their just to teach the young guys how quickly the game can pass them by, but you can’t have ALL of your good players be on AARP’s mailing list.
Eventually the whole team just became wonderfully sub-mediocre, and to make matters worse, they Lofton, Ramirez and Simon’s salaries on the Cubs in exchange for Matt Brubeck, Jose Hernandez and Bobby Hill. No, I’m not making that up.
I’m still excited about the 2011 Pirates. I’m actually going to the game tonight. But there’s a part of me that’s expecting us to lose 95 games and trade Andrew McCutchen for a middle reliever.
If the Pirates do end up making it to 81 wins this year, then we can look back and feel like all this excitement will have had some merit. As a Pirates fan, however, I feel like I have been duped before, and I worry that this I am just getting set up to be embarrassed again.
If I put up a list of the most embarrassing moments of the Pirates’ last 19 years, I would probably be able to write 20,000 words on Kevin Young alone. So instead, here is a list of the most embarrassing things that I actually got excited about while through the almost two decades of futility of Pirates baseball:
Chad Hermansen
Drafted in 1995 with the 10th overall pick, Hermansen was immediately named the savior of the franchise. For years, the front office touted how well he was doing in the minor leagues and how he was progressing into a future superstar, ready to be the next great outfielder to replace Barry Bonds and Andy van Slyke.
Finally, in September of 1999, the Pirates called up the Baseball Jesus in what would surely be the beginning of a long and illustrious, Hall of Fame career. Aaaaaand he hit a whopping .233 with 1 home run and one RBI in 19 games. But no big deal, right? It was just the September call ups. Certainly in his first full season he would really start to hit.
Or not. .185 over 33 games with 2 home runs, 8 RBIs and a coach ticket right back to AAA to work on his swing.
He came back in 2001 and hit .164 over 22 games and finally the Pirates let him go. He bounced around in the Cubs, Marlins and Mets organizations for a few years before retiring. His final stat line in the majors: .195, 13 HR, 34 RBI in 6 seasons.
Moving Jason Kendall to left field
Jason Kendall was a fun player to watch his first couple of years in the league. He didn’t wear batting gloves, he had a big wad of chew in his cheek, he led the league in getting hit by pitch almost every year, and he was a catcher who could bat leadoff. We had to do whatever we could to make sure we kept him around for a long time, because he would certainly lead help lead us to the playoffs one day.
In 2001, right after making Jason Kendal the second richest catcher only to Mike Piazza, the Pirates decided that the best way to protect their investment was to try to move him to left field. It made sense. Craig Biggio had moved from catcher to second base a few years into his career to help protect his knees and it allowed him to play well into his 30s.
On paper, it actually still looks like it wasn’t such a bad move. In his worst season he hit .266 and that was the only season with the team that he hit below .280. However, from 2001-2003 he hit 19 home runs. Total. And that includes the magical 2001 season when he went crazy and hit 10 dingers. Forget that he was such an awful left fielder that (.906 fielding percentage) that the Pirates abandoned the experiment after just 27 games. The Pirates had 18% of their salary locked up on someone providing the offensive prowess as Placido Polonco, who cost about 1/6 as much.
The 2003 Season
In the 2002 offseason, the Pirates finally went out and signed some veteran talent. They went out and got Kenny Lofton, Reggie Sanders and Randall Simon in free agency. They already had young talent with Aramis Ramirez at third and the up and coming Jason Bay in left, with some young pitching that could really get some confidence behind what looked like it could turn into one of the better offenses in the league.
But by the beginning of May, the Buccos were already six games under .500 and never recovered. Everyone forgot that the group of veterans they got might as well have been stand-ins from the movie “Space Cowboys.” It’s okay to have one or two old guys who have lost their abilities and are their just to teach the young guys how quickly the game can pass them by, but you can’t have ALL of your good players be on AARP’s mailing list.
Eventually the whole team just became wonderfully sub-mediocre, and to make matters worse, they Lofton, Ramirez and Simon’s salaries on the Cubs in exchange for Matt Brubeck, Jose Hernandez and Bobby Hill. No, I’m not making that up.
I’m still excited about the 2011 Pirates. I’m actually going to the game tonight. But there’s a part of me that’s expecting us to lose 95 games and trade Andrew McCutchen for a middle reliever.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Palin's 'Merican History
Today, Sarah Palin said the Paul Revere rode to warn the British that Americans had guns and that he just wanted to let them know that they weren’t going to be able to take them away. Also she talked about how he was ringing bells for some reason. I know this sounds stupid, but that’s only because you understand American history the way the lamestream media has explained it to you.
Here are some other stories from the founding of our great nation that can help you get a better understanding of what Sarah is talking about…
• Christopher Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean from Europe to discover America. Along the way he realized that the energy sources were best right in the middle of the ocean and only got worse as he got closer to the shore. Drill, Baby, Drill!
• The 1765 Stamp Act was an unnecessary tax on the American colonists and spurred the American Revolution. It showed that Americans were upset with rising stamp prices and the best way to deal with parcels was to privatize the postal service like Ben Franklin wanted to from the very beginning.
• The Declaration of Independence is the most important document in our nation’s history, establishing us as a separate entity from the British. It says that “All men are created equal and are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights but they don’t get any special rights just because they’re minorities.”
• As a child, George Washington cut down his the family cherry tree. When his father asked if he did it, he said “I cannot tell a lie.” What is less famous is that Washington’s brother, Jerry, was also asked if he had cut down the cherry tree. While he had not done so, he knew that his brother had done the deed and his father spanked him until he gave up the intel that lead to George.
• Abe Lincoln grew up in a single room log cabin, despite liberal’s attempts to make logging illegal and over regulate housing safety laws to consider log cabins as a fire safety hazard.
• The Great Depression was the worst economy our nation has ever faced and was caused by liberals like FDR trying driving up the deficit and most economists agree that we it would not have happened had we just lowered taxes.
• To end Jim Crow laws, whites and blacks went on “Freedom Rides” through the South to help spread the message of the Constitution and showed the bus companies the power of the free market by allowing everyone to ride no matter the color of their skin.
Here are some other stories from the founding of our great nation that can help you get a better understanding of what Sarah is talking about…
• Christopher Columbus sailed across the Atlantic Ocean from Europe to discover America. Along the way he realized that the energy sources were best right in the middle of the ocean and only got worse as he got closer to the shore. Drill, Baby, Drill!
• The 1765 Stamp Act was an unnecessary tax on the American colonists and spurred the American Revolution. It showed that Americans were upset with rising stamp prices and the best way to deal with parcels was to privatize the postal service like Ben Franklin wanted to from the very beginning.
• The Declaration of Independence is the most important document in our nation’s history, establishing us as a separate entity from the British. It says that “All men are created equal and are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable rights but they don’t get any special rights just because they’re minorities.”
• As a child, George Washington cut down his the family cherry tree. When his father asked if he did it, he said “I cannot tell a lie.” What is less famous is that Washington’s brother, Jerry, was also asked if he had cut down the cherry tree. While he had not done so, he knew that his brother had done the deed and his father spanked him until he gave up the intel that lead to George.
• Abe Lincoln grew up in a single room log cabin, despite liberal’s attempts to make logging illegal and over regulate housing safety laws to consider log cabins as a fire safety hazard.
• The Great Depression was the worst economy our nation has ever faced and was caused by liberals like FDR trying driving up the deficit and most economists agree that we it would not have happened had we just lowered taxes.
• To end Jim Crow laws, whites and blacks went on “Freedom Rides” through the South to help spread the message of the Constitution and showed the bus companies the power of the free market by allowing everyone to ride no matter the color of their skin.
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