EXT. CITY STREET
It's 2:15 am on a Friday and the bars have just closed down.
JASON is trying to seal the deal with CHRYSTAL, an incredibly
ugly woman who may or may not be a transvestite.
JASON
Why don't we go back to my place?
I have some good wine we could open
and just keep this party goin.
CHRYSTAL
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea
Jason and Chrystal start to kiss. He pulls away and holds a
single finger up to her lips.
JASON
Let me go get us a cab
Jason walks to over to the curb and holds out his hand to
flag down a taxi. Almost instantly a checkered cab pulls up.
He holds the door open for Chrystal and helps her in the car.
JASON (CONT'D)
(To the cabbie)
21st and Pine, please. And don't
take Broad street.
The cab driver looks a little annoyed by Jason telling him
how to do his job and mutters something incoherent under his
breath.
JASON (CONT'D)
What did you just say?
The cab driver mumbles something undecipherable again.
JASON (CONT'D)
Hey man, you can forget about a tip
unless you tell me what you're
saying.
CAB DRIVER
I said "You're on the Cash Cab!"
The interior of the car lights up and music starts playing.
CHRYSTAL
Oh shit! I seen this shit on TV!
With the lights turned all the way up in the cab Jason can
now see that he has definitely picked up a transvestite. He
looks horrified.
CAB DRIVER
You have the next 28 blocks until
your stop to answer as many
questions correctly as you can.
But if you give three wrong
answers, we will drop you off
whereever we are. You guys want to
play?
Jason is still stunned but he tries to say "No" but is cut
off by Chrystal who is really excited.
CHRYSTAL
Fuck yeah we playin!
(to Jason)
I can't believe we in the Cash Cab!
CAB DRIVER
Ok, here is your first question:
This part of the body only found in
50% of humans is also known as the
Layrngeal Prominance and is found
on the front of the throat.
Chrystal looks completely stumped and Jason continues to look
totally embarrassed.
JASON
The, um, the uh. The Adam's Apple?
CAB DRIVER
That's correct for $50!
Chrystal cheers and tries to give Adam a big kiss but he
ducks out of the way and they end up in an awkward hug.
Question two is another 50 dollar
question: What is the average age
girls begin menstruating?
Jason looks at Chrystal and she gives a "deer in headlights"
look back to Jason.
CHRYSTAL
Um. 17?
The cab driver laughs accidentally and then collects himself.
CAB DRIVER
I'm sorry, the answer is 13
Jason stares very hard at Chrystal who looks the complete
other direction, refusing to make eye contact with her date.
Question 30 is going to be a
little bit harder but it's worth a
hundred bucks: This type of
chemical therapy goes by the
initials HRT and is used most
commonly by people with gender
identity disorder.
CHRYSTAL
Hormone Replacement Therapy!
CAB DRIVER
That is correct again for another
hundered dollars!
Jason's eyes get huge as the gravity of what is happening
sinks in. He looks physically ill
CHRYSTAL
YAY!
CAB DRIVER
Okay, question four is also worth a
hundred dollars: This type of
professional establishment is most
often visited on Saturday and
Sunday mornings after anonymous and
unwanted sexual encounters often
caused by excessive binge drinking.
JASON
Fuck this.
Jason opens the door of the moving cab and rolls out of the
car.
CHRYSTAL
Jason!
CAB DRIVER
Well that is a cash cab first.
Chrystal and the cab driver sit there stunned for a moment
trying to figure out what to do. Chrystal perks up and has a
bit of an "a ha" moment.
CHRYSTAL
Oh! Free health clinic! That's
the answer!
END
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 Days--Day 2 "Michelle Bachmann was Right About God"
INT. HEAVEN
God sits at a fancy desk sorting through newspapers and
looking more and more disgusted with each article he reads.
GOD
After 6,000 years, why is it that
Michelle Bachmann is the only one
on this planet that actually gets
me?
ST. PETER
I don't know, Lord. Perhaps the
whole "working in mysterious ways"
thing wasn't the best tactic for
getting your point across.
GOD
Mysterious my ass. I've been
incredibly clear with what I want:
No abortion, don't let gays get
married and for fucks sake keep
marginal tax rate low on the
wealthiest Americans!
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord. But don't you
think it would be good to do
something about the famine and
disease outbreak in Africa?
GOD
Are you even paying attention? Did
you even read the last budget this
congress passed?
ST. PETER
No, Lord, I did not.
GOD
$1.5 Million dollars for a museum
to honor a banjo player! Are you
shitting me?
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord, it's very
upsetting. But malaria is killing
a million people a year in Africa.
GOD
Listen, Pete. New York just
started allowing gay marriage. I
don't have time for your "save the
children" bullshit right now.
ST. PETER
Well maybe you should try to send a
message of some sort.
GOD
Another one? Did you see what I
did to Joplin? I fucked their shit
up. If that isn't a clear message
that I'm against gay marriage, then
I'm not the almighty ruler of the
universe.
St. Peter's blackberry goes off. He looks at it for a moment
then returns to his conversation with God.
ST. PETER
We just got some prayers from some
military families to help bring
their sons and daughters home
safely. You might want to handle
this.
GOD
Holy fuck, Pete. You really think
I can deal with that right now? I
have 15,000 prayers to help
confused teens keep their gay
feelings at bay that are clogging
up my priority bin. Maybe if the
Spendocrats on the hill would have
spent less money on their welfare
programs and more money on arming
the troops then these families
wouldn't need my help.
ST. PETER
Well I think that would actually
have increased the debt a little
bit more than--
GOD
(Cutting St. Peter off)
If they had just kept taxes low on
businesses then they would be able
to hire more people and that would
increase the tax base so that the
country could help pay off their
debt.
God looks at his newspapers again and seems to get more and
more frustrated.
GOD (CONT'D)
Are you serious? They're trying to
bring back the fairness doctrine.
Fuck this, I'm sending another
earthquake.
END
God sits at a fancy desk sorting through newspapers and
looking more and more disgusted with each article he reads.
GOD
After 6,000 years, why is it that
Michelle Bachmann is the only one
on this planet that actually gets
me?
ST. PETER
I don't know, Lord. Perhaps the
whole "working in mysterious ways"
thing wasn't the best tactic for
getting your point across.
GOD
Mysterious my ass. I've been
incredibly clear with what I want:
No abortion, don't let gays get
married and for fucks sake keep
marginal tax rate low on the
wealthiest Americans!
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord. But don't you
think it would be good to do
something about the famine and
disease outbreak in Africa?
GOD
Are you even paying attention? Did
you even read the last budget this
congress passed?
ST. PETER
No, Lord, I did not.
GOD
$1.5 Million dollars for a museum
to honor a banjo player! Are you
shitting me?
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord, it's very
upsetting. But malaria is killing
a million people a year in Africa.
GOD
Listen, Pete. New York just
started allowing gay marriage. I
don't have time for your "save the
children" bullshit right now.
ST. PETER
Well maybe you should try to send a
message of some sort.
GOD
Another one? Did you see what I
did to Joplin? I fucked their shit
up. If that isn't a clear message
that I'm against gay marriage, then
I'm not the almighty ruler of the
universe.
St. Peter's blackberry goes off. He looks at it for a moment
then returns to his conversation with God.
ST. PETER
We just got some prayers from some
military families to help bring
their sons and daughters home
safely. You might want to handle
this.
GOD
Holy fuck, Pete. You really think
I can deal with that right now? I
have 15,000 prayers to help
confused teens keep their gay
feelings at bay that are clogging
up my priority bin. Maybe if the
Spendocrats on the hill would have
spent less money on their welfare
programs and more money on arming
the troops then these families
wouldn't need my help.
ST. PETER
Well I think that would actually
have increased the debt a little
bit more than--
GOD
(Cutting St. Peter off)
If they had just kept taxes low on
businesses then they would be able
to hire more people and that would
increase the tax base so that the
country could help pay off their
debt.
God looks at his newspapers again and seems to get more and
more frustrated.
GOD (CONT'D)
Are you serious? They're trying to
bring back the fairness doctrine.
Fuck this, I'm sending another
earthquake.
END
Thursday, September 1, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 days: #1--"Boring Apocalypse"
So apparently it's National Sketch Writing month, according to a website that is designed exclusively to promote National Sketch Writing month.
Seriously
So here is my first sketch, "Boring Apocalypse"
INT. APARTMENT
MIKE and JAMES sit in an apartment sometime following the
apocalypse. They're each just sitting on couches staring at a
blank TV. There is a pile of guns on the table in between
them.
JAMES
This apocalypse sucks
MIKE
Hey man, we should just be happy to
be alive. No need to dwell on
what's not going well. You should
focus on the positive things in
your life right now
JAMES
Oh yeah? Like what?
MIKE
Like the fact that we haven't had a
serious zombie attack in more than
24 hours. Maybe this whole thing
is subsiding.
JAMES
Yeah but that last attack they got
Eric and Joan. Now we're on our
own.
MIKE
Hey, that just means that the food
will last longer so we have a
better chance of survival.
JAMES
Ugh. Were you this annoying before
the apocalypse?
MIKE
Listen, I know that this situation
sucks but there is no reason to be
so negative about everything. I
figure we're stuck here, we might
as well make the best of it. Why
don't we play a board game?
JAMES
No, I don't want to play a board
game.
MIKE
C'mon, I saw a bunch in the back
room. Whoever lived here before
must have had kids or maybe they
were one of those crazy couples
that had game nights with other
couples every Wednesday.
James looks even more annoyed and rolls his eyes. Meanwhile
Mike takes the initiative and gets up to go look at the board
games. He calls out different games from the back room.
JAMES
I'm not playing a stupid game man.
If anything we should spend our
time trying to figure out ways to
survive.
MIKE
Tap water is still running and we
have a month's worth of food.
We're fine. How about Monopoly?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Risk?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Parcheesee
JAMES
No
MIKE
Life?
JAMES
Fuck it! I can't take this shit
anymore! I'd rather be out there
with the zombies than in here with
you!
James gets up and starts to walk out the door.
MIKE
Jesus man. You'll die out there!
JAMES
I don't care anymore. I'm dying in
here too.
James leaves. Mike yells at him through the door.
MIKE
Don't even think about coming back
here! I'm locking the door and
you'll never get back in!
James doesn't respond, he just keeps on walking. Mike takes
a deep breath and collects himself. Then he reaches under
the couch cushion and pulls out a Hustler magazine and starts
to unbuckle his pants.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Thank God, I thought I'd never get
him to leave
Seriously
So here is my first sketch, "Boring Apocalypse"
INT. APARTMENT
MIKE and JAMES sit in an apartment sometime following the
apocalypse. They're each just sitting on couches staring at a
blank TV. There is a pile of guns on the table in between
them.
JAMES
This apocalypse sucks
MIKE
Hey man, we should just be happy to
be alive. No need to dwell on
what's not going well. You should
focus on the positive things in
your life right now
JAMES
Oh yeah? Like what?
MIKE
Like the fact that we haven't had a
serious zombie attack in more than
24 hours. Maybe this whole thing
is subsiding.
JAMES
Yeah but that last attack they got
Eric and Joan. Now we're on our
own.
MIKE
Hey, that just means that the food
will last longer so we have a
better chance of survival.
JAMES
Ugh. Were you this annoying before
the apocalypse?
MIKE
Listen, I know that this situation
sucks but there is no reason to be
so negative about everything. I
figure we're stuck here, we might
as well make the best of it. Why
don't we play a board game?
JAMES
No, I don't want to play a board
game.
MIKE
C'mon, I saw a bunch in the back
room. Whoever lived here before
must have had kids or maybe they
were one of those crazy couples
that had game nights with other
couples every Wednesday.
James looks even more annoyed and rolls his eyes. Meanwhile
Mike takes the initiative and gets up to go look at the board
games. He calls out different games from the back room.
JAMES
I'm not playing a stupid game man.
If anything we should spend our
time trying to figure out ways to
survive.
MIKE
Tap water is still running and we
have a month's worth of food.
We're fine. How about Monopoly?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Risk?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Parcheesee
JAMES
No
MIKE
Life?
JAMES
Fuck it! I can't take this shit
anymore! I'd rather be out there
with the zombies than in here with
you!
James gets up and starts to walk out the door.
MIKE
Jesus man. You'll die out there!
JAMES
I don't care anymore. I'm dying in
here too.
James leaves. Mike yells at him through the door.
MIKE
Don't even think about coming back
here! I'm locking the door and
you'll never get back in!
James doesn't respond, he just keeps on walking. Mike takes
a deep breath and collects himself. Then he reaches under
the couch cushion and pulls out a Hustler magazine and starts
to unbuckle his pants.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Thank God, I thought I'd never get
him to leave
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Predicting the News Coverage--Sarah Palin's Presidential Announcement
What’s going on now
The former governor-turned-media darling-turned-attention whore has done every single thing that someone who is running for president would do while finding a way to get upset that people are asking her whether or not she’s running for president. Basically she’s like a girl at a bar who gets drunk, lets you take her home, takes off her clothes and throws you a condom then gets mad that you have the audacity to assume that you’re going to have sex.
Her newest adventure includes attending events in Iowa and New Hampshire next week. You know, because she really digs corn and whatever New Hampshire is famous for. It has nothing to do with the fact that those are the first two primary states and that no Republican has ever won the nomination without winning at least one of them.
It seems pretty likely that she will announce in the next week or so. The only thing that I think would keep her from running would be if internal polls show that she is even further behind than the national polls are showing right now—tied for a distant third. I’m sure she’s nervous that running and losing (Especially if she gets trounced) would be a huge hit to her credibility, but I think that there is no way she can keep up her current status as a leader in the conservative movement for another four years (Or eight if a Republican beats Obama).
I’m saying she’s going to run.
What will happen the day she announces
I don’t know when or where she will announce, but I know that Wolf Blitzer will announce it for CNN. It just seems like the breaking news will come out of his mouth. I can just feel it.
“After a television show, a mystery bus tour around the nation’s most historic locations, and almost three years of speculation, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and Tea Party darling, is running for president.”
It feels right, doesn’t it?
That day, every news channel will run five-minute biographies on a constant loop detailing all over her triumphs and gaffs and using a lot of still images of her waving to a crowd. If you watch the news for one hour you will hear her “Hockey mom/Pitbull” line from the 2004 GOP convention at least seven times.
The announcement itself will involve a lot of talk about how we need to reign in government spending and take a bunch of potshots at the “lamestream media” for not keeping a better eye on Obama and his crazy “spend money on infrastructure so that things keep working” ways. She will immediately tweet something about how she hates that the media is only covering her gaffs and not focusing on the real issue—that Obama is dangerous to this country and must be stopped. Then she’ll make a shotgun reference and use a winking emoticon.
One week after the announcement
After a couple days she will sit down with Sean Hannity and do a one-on-one interview that will be edited to make look like she knew the names of all the world leaders we have good relationships with and which country they represent.
CNN and MSNBC will have to hire a special reporter just to cover Palin and beg her six times a day if she’ll do an interview on their network. She will deflect the question when on camera and pass it off to her press secretary who will chide the news networks for crowding the governor and only allow an interview if the questions can be pre-screened. Rather than talk about how ridiculous that is, the news organizations will simply say that this “adds to the Palin mystique” and then go on covering her like she’s a legit candidate.
One month after the announcement
Palin will eventually have to go to a debate and try to explain why she is better than the rest of the candidates. Anytime one of the other candidates attacks her, she will invoke Ronald Reagan and say that we shouldn’t be trying to trash each other. I don’t think it will happen, but this is where Ron Paul should say “I knew Ron Regan, I was friends with Ron Regan, and Governor Palin, you’re no Ron Reagan.” If he did, it would start a war among the craziest fan bases and would present another opportunity for the media to spend 48 hours talking about Ron Paul being relevant.
What is more likely is that they will talk about how exposed Palin looked on stage. How she ducked too many questions and couldn’t seem to handle the pressure of the big stage. She will immediately fire back that she took the high road and that she stood by her principles not to bash other republican candidates in a primary because in the end the most important thing is that someone defeats Obama.
She will then go on the attack against the other republican candidates.
Six months after announcing
Sarah’s campaign is running on fumes at this point. After coming in second to Rick Perry in the Iowa Caucuses, she gets absolutely demolished in New Hampshire by Perry and Romney. After trying to tack right for much of the primaries, Romney sticks goes back to his more moderate roots and offers himself as the one candidate who can actually beat Obama and responds to everything that Perry and Palin say by just rolling his eyes and saying “you have GOT to be kidding me. We tried this with George Bush, that didn’t work. We can be conservatives without just bringing the same failed policies out and presenting them as new ideas.”
Palin immediately jumps on him, calling him a fake republican and tweets “wat wud u expect from a Massachusetts elitist? We need REAL conservatives now.”
She gets a little bit of traction when Michelle Bachman finally bows out of the race but after coming in second to Perry in South Carolina it becomes clear that she’s cooked. Before getting to the Florida primaries, she pens an essay on her Facebook account about how much she loves this country and how terrible it is that the media won’t give a woman a fair shake to become president. She brings up Hillary losing in 2004. Interviews with the Secretary of State mostly just involve her trying to hold back laughter when being compared to Palin.
Every newscast has a “Is Sarah Palin getting ready to drop out of the race” lead and Sarah figures out a way to do the same thing with quitting her race for the White House as she did with starting it. She starts cutting staff members, talking about how important it is that someone defeats Obama and that she wants to do what’s best for the party. When reporters follow up by asking if that means she’s quitting, she immediately gets upset and says that she is in this race to win it and that she wouldn’t be running if she didn’t think she had a good chance to win.
Then she will quit.
One year after her announcement
With Rick Perry as the nominee, it becomes clear that they can’t have two crazies on the ticket and she is passed over as a nominee for VP. She goes back to her job at Fox News and begins making moves to try to take over for Mike Huckabee after he is forced to retire due to having a heart attack after putting all the weight back on.
Two months before Election Day, “One Nation Under God, with Sarah Palin” airs on Fox News as a Friday night talk show, and we’re pretty much right back where we started.
The former governor-turned-media darling-turned-attention whore has done every single thing that someone who is running for president would do while finding a way to get upset that people are asking her whether or not she’s running for president. Basically she’s like a girl at a bar who gets drunk, lets you take her home, takes off her clothes and throws you a condom then gets mad that you have the audacity to assume that you’re going to have sex.
Her newest adventure includes attending events in Iowa and New Hampshire next week. You know, because she really digs corn and whatever New Hampshire is famous for. It has nothing to do with the fact that those are the first two primary states and that no Republican has ever won the nomination without winning at least one of them.
It seems pretty likely that she will announce in the next week or so. The only thing that I think would keep her from running would be if internal polls show that she is even further behind than the national polls are showing right now—tied for a distant third. I’m sure she’s nervous that running and losing (Especially if she gets trounced) would be a huge hit to her credibility, but I think that there is no way she can keep up her current status as a leader in the conservative movement for another four years (Or eight if a Republican beats Obama).
I’m saying she’s going to run.
What will happen the day she announces
I don’t know when or where she will announce, but I know that Wolf Blitzer will announce it for CNN. It just seems like the breaking news will come out of his mouth. I can just feel it.
“After a television show, a mystery bus tour around the nation’s most historic locations, and almost three years of speculation, Sarah Palin, the former governor of Alaska and Tea Party darling, is running for president.”
It feels right, doesn’t it?
That day, every news channel will run five-minute biographies on a constant loop detailing all over her triumphs and gaffs and using a lot of still images of her waving to a crowd. If you watch the news for one hour you will hear her “Hockey mom/Pitbull” line from the 2004 GOP convention at least seven times.
The announcement itself will involve a lot of talk about how we need to reign in government spending and take a bunch of potshots at the “lamestream media” for not keeping a better eye on Obama and his crazy “spend money on infrastructure so that things keep working” ways. She will immediately tweet something about how she hates that the media is only covering her gaffs and not focusing on the real issue—that Obama is dangerous to this country and must be stopped. Then she’ll make a shotgun reference and use a winking emoticon.
One week after the announcement
After a couple days she will sit down with Sean Hannity and do a one-on-one interview that will be edited to make look like she knew the names of all the world leaders we have good relationships with and which country they represent.
CNN and MSNBC will have to hire a special reporter just to cover Palin and beg her six times a day if she’ll do an interview on their network. She will deflect the question when on camera and pass it off to her press secretary who will chide the news networks for crowding the governor and only allow an interview if the questions can be pre-screened. Rather than talk about how ridiculous that is, the news organizations will simply say that this “adds to the Palin mystique” and then go on covering her like she’s a legit candidate.
One month after the announcement
Palin will eventually have to go to a debate and try to explain why she is better than the rest of the candidates. Anytime one of the other candidates attacks her, she will invoke Ronald Reagan and say that we shouldn’t be trying to trash each other. I don’t think it will happen, but this is where Ron Paul should say “I knew Ron Regan, I was friends with Ron Regan, and Governor Palin, you’re no Ron Reagan.” If he did, it would start a war among the craziest fan bases and would present another opportunity for the media to spend 48 hours talking about Ron Paul being relevant.
What is more likely is that they will talk about how exposed Palin looked on stage. How she ducked too many questions and couldn’t seem to handle the pressure of the big stage. She will immediately fire back that she took the high road and that she stood by her principles not to bash other republican candidates in a primary because in the end the most important thing is that someone defeats Obama.
She will then go on the attack against the other republican candidates.
Six months after announcing
Sarah’s campaign is running on fumes at this point. After coming in second to Rick Perry in the Iowa Caucuses, she gets absolutely demolished in New Hampshire by Perry and Romney. After trying to tack right for much of the primaries, Romney sticks goes back to his more moderate roots and offers himself as the one candidate who can actually beat Obama and responds to everything that Perry and Palin say by just rolling his eyes and saying “you have GOT to be kidding me. We tried this with George Bush, that didn’t work. We can be conservatives without just bringing the same failed policies out and presenting them as new ideas.”
Palin immediately jumps on him, calling him a fake republican and tweets “wat wud u expect from a Massachusetts elitist? We need REAL conservatives now.”
She gets a little bit of traction when Michelle Bachman finally bows out of the race but after coming in second to Perry in South Carolina it becomes clear that she’s cooked. Before getting to the Florida primaries, she pens an essay on her Facebook account about how much she loves this country and how terrible it is that the media won’t give a woman a fair shake to become president. She brings up Hillary losing in 2004. Interviews with the Secretary of State mostly just involve her trying to hold back laughter when being compared to Palin.
Every newscast has a “Is Sarah Palin getting ready to drop out of the race” lead and Sarah figures out a way to do the same thing with quitting her race for the White House as she did with starting it. She starts cutting staff members, talking about how important it is that someone defeats Obama and that she wants to do what’s best for the party. When reporters follow up by asking if that means she’s quitting, she immediately gets upset and says that she is in this race to win it and that she wouldn’t be running if she didn’t think she had a good chance to win.
Then she will quit.
One year after her announcement
With Rick Perry as the nominee, it becomes clear that they can’t have two crazies on the ticket and she is passed over as a nominee for VP. She goes back to her job at Fox News and begins making moves to try to take over for Mike Huckabee after he is forced to retire due to having a heart attack after putting all the weight back on.
Two months before Election Day, “One Nation Under God, with Sarah Palin” airs on Fox News as a Friday night talk show, and we’re pretty much right back where we started.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
Happy Endings Ruined by Adding One More Scene
I like happy endings in movies. I know they’re hokey, I know it causes me to suspend my disbelief that we would actually be able to defeat the alien forces or that love really does conquer all, but that’s why I go to the movies in the first place. If I wanted to watch something that made me feel sad, I’d just stay at home and watch A&E.
The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.
(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)
Law Abiding Citizen
How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.
Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.
The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.
Judge
You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.
Rice
Yes, your honor
Judge
I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?
Rice
Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—
Judge
Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?
Rice
Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?
Judge
A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.
Rice
I did not think of that.
Judge
Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.
(Roll credits)
The Matrix: Revolutions
How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)
Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.
The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.
Morpheus
So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world
Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?
Morpheus
It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul
Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med
Morpheus
Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—
Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.
Morpheus
The war is over, we already won
Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?
Morpheus
(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us
(Awkward silence among the entire group)
The only thing that drives me nuts is when there is a happy ending that is only happy because they didn’t show what the next scene in the movie would be. I’m not talking about the ending to Inception where it’s an ambiguous ending, I’m talking about movies that appear to have happy endings, but if we got to see what was happening in their world while the credits were rolling, we would see some really depressing shit going on.
(Warning: Spoilers on all the movies mentioned)
Law Abiding Citizen
How We Saw it End
Rice, now the DA, figures out that Shelton was tunneling in and out of prison and sneaking out to kill at night to get his revenge on the city. Rice finds a bomb that Shelton was going to use to blow up City Hall while the mayor, chief of police and key intelligence officers were in the building have a meeting to discuss how dangerous of a guy he is. He can’t disarm it and he knows that if he evacuates the building, Shelton will set off the bomb, so instead he puts the bomb in Shelton’s cell under his bed so that when he sets it off he only blows himself up.
Rice is later seen at his daughter’s cello recital, clearly trying to spend more time with his family.
The Scene After That
Int. Courtroom
Rice sits at the defendant’s table alone, his family sits right behind him. The prosecuting team is made up of new people brought in to replace all of those who were killed by Shelton. The judge enters and everyone stands.
Judge
You may all be seated. Mr. Rice.
Rice
Yes, your honor
Judge
I understand that there were extenuating circumstances, but can you please explain your reasoning for placing the bomb under Mr. Shelton’s bed?
Rice
Well I did not want to evacuate the building because then he would—
Judge
Yes, yes I get why you took it out of the building. But why did you put it under his bed?
Rice
Well that way he was the only one who could be hurt by his bomb. Where else did you want me to put it?
Judge
A field, a river, an abandoned building. Pretty much anywhere other than right underneath another human being who was not aware of there being a bomb under them.
Rice
I did not think of that.
Judge
Bail is denied. The murder trial will start next week.
(Roll credits)
The Matrix: Revolutions
How We Saw It End
Neo makes a deal with the machine to go into the Matrix and fight Agent Smith. If he loses the fight, the machines can kill him. He realizes the only way for it to end is for him to lose to Smith, let him take over his body, then the machines can kill Neo in the real world and thus kill his version of Agent Smith in the Matrix and cause light to explode out of every version of him (I’m pretty sure the machines knew that’s how it would happen.)
Afterwards, we see the Oracle—who looks different after they made an Aunt Vivian-style switch for the third movie after the original actor—make a deal with the Architect (Who she clearly used to bang), to unplug anyone who wants to be unplugged from the Matrix.
The Scene After That
Int. Zion
Morpheus talks to a group of people who have recently been unplugged from the Matrix. They look scared and nervous, still trying to figure out exactly what is going on.
Morpheus
So you see, the world that you had been living in was just a dream. This, is the real world
Man 1
So nothing I’ve experience was real?
Morpheus
It was just in your mind. Now you can experience them with your body and soul
Man 2
Yeah, but in the Matrix I was a lawyer who made a million dollars a year, this world looks makes Baghdad look like Club Med
Morpheus
Yes, but the Machines were just using you to—
Woman 1
Seriously, was there just a war here? Because it looks like you just lost a war.
Morpheus
The war is over, we already won
Man 1
Then why do you need to get more people out of the Matrix?
Morpheus
(Takes a deep breath)
We needed help cleaning up after the machines destroyed our city and killed most of us
(Awkward silence among the entire group)
Man 2
Is it too late to get one of those blue pills?
(Roll Credits)
Rounders
How We Saw it End
Mike defeats Teddy KGB in back-to-back heads-up poker games to pay off the debt and win back most of his bankroll that Teddy had taken from him in the first scene in the movie. Having outplayed his nemesis and built up a bankroll of $30,000, Mike decides to go to Las Vegas for the World Series of Poker and likely to try to become a professional poker player. We see him get in a cab and head towards the airport.
The Scene After That
Int. Security Line at the Airport
Mike is waiting for his bag on the other side of the X-ray machine. He looks at his watch and realizes that he does not have much time left to catch is plane to Vegas and is growing impatient as his bag is taking longer than usual. Multiple guards come over to look at the screen, eventually a supervisor is brought over.
TSA Agent
Sir, is this your bag?
Mike
Um, yeah. Is there a problem?
TSA Agent
Come with me, sir
Mike and the agent go into a back room with the bag. The agent opens the bag and pulls out $30,000 in cash and just looks at Mike.
TSA Agent
And what are you doing with this?
Mike
(Laughing)
Oh, it’s okay, I’m a poker player. I’m going to Las Vegas.
TSA Agent
So you won all this money in the casinos?
Mike
Uh, yeah. All at the casinos
TSA Agent
So you have proof of that, right? Something to show that this isn’t dirty money.
Mike
I do not.
TSA Agent
(Into walky talky)
We’re gonna need an IRS agent and DEA agent down here to do a full work-up on a mysterious bundle of cash.
(Roll Credits)
Independence Day
How We Saw it End
David and Captain Hiller successfully implant the virus in the mothership, giving the fighters on earth a chance to bring down the ships. They finally figure out that the way to bring down the ships is to fly Randy Quade into their primary weapon. We see the ships coming down all over the world and the Hiller and David make it back to earth just in time to keep the promises they made to their loved ones before the aliens came to show that they not only can they save the world, but they can grow as people.
The Scene After That
Ext. Desert outside of Area 51
President Whitmore talks with David and Hiller about how they was able to defeat the aliens as one of the giant ships burns in the background. People celebrate all around them.
President Whitmore
Gentlmen, great work. You saved the planet.
Hiller
It was an honor sir. Now I don’t mean to be too forward, but do you think this might get me bumped to the front of the list for getting into the NASA program?
President Whitmore
Unfortunately Houston was destroyed when I ordered a nuclear attack on one of the ships while it was there.
David
Well that’s understandable sir, but I’m sure we could just move the command center. In fact, I’d love to help you rebuild it.
President Whitmore
That’s very kind of you, but the attacker ships destroyed every major city in the country. The largest city left in the United States is Lincoln, Nebraska, and honestly, the nation’s infrastructure has just been destroyed, I’m still trying to figure out how to get food to people who live more than three miles from a self-sustaining farm, I don’t think we’re ready to rebuild the space program.
Hiller
Well I’m sure I won’t have to pay taxes at least, am I right?
President Whitmore
Well there’s no more banking system, and currency is probably more useful as a means to keep a warm fire going than anything else right now.
David
Well, jeez Mr. President, things seem pretty dire. Is there anything we can do to help?
President Whitmore
Just try not to resort to cannibalism until you have exhausted all other options.
(Roll credits)
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