1. The Republican Base is Insane—In a country drowning in debt with unemployment hovering close to double digits and two full-scale wars going on (Not to mention a couple of little baby wars we’re helping to finance), the biggest applause break came when Matt Laur mentioned to Governor Perry that Texas had the most executions of any state in the nation. They weren’t applauding that a moderator had the nerve to ask a difficult question, they were applauding how many times a guy who they think should run the country signed off on the government ending someone’s life.
The second biggest applause line? Newt Gingrich saying that we should make English the official language of the United States. Apparently this will help create jobs because after he passes that law he will have to hire millions of agents all over the country to erase, cover up, and delete anything written in Spanish.
2. Despite what he says, Governor Perry believes in global warming—Rick Perry spent a full minute trying to equate those who don’t believe in global warming to Galileo, who had the brilliance and the testicular fortitude to say what was unpopular with the status quo. He then followed this up by bragging about how much he has helped clean up the air pollution and greenhouse gasses in Texas.
So to recap: “Air pollution doesn’t do any harm to the environment, but check out how much of it I cleaned up.”
3. The hardest part about being Mitt Romney’s debate coach is breaking him of the habit of starting every sentence with “Look, these assholes have no idea what they’re talking about.”—I have no real proof of this, but he looks like I guy that would call everyone else an asshole. The sad part is that he’s right and he’s probably the only guy on that stage who would not be an embarrassment as POTUS but he will never make it out of the Republican Primary because 1) He’s a Mormon and 2) He told the Tea Party that he believes in most of what they’re talking about but he won’t fully commit to joining the movement which, to them, is the equivalent of telling them he just slept with their mothers and he made sure she didn’t climax.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 Days--#7 "Long Ride Home"
Obviously I had to dig deep and come up with a brand new character that is nothing like me for this one...
INT. CAR
JAMES is driving home from work. He is a heavyset young guy
who has been working hard recently on losing weight but has
been struggling recently. He's trying to figure what to eat
for dinner tonight and we only hear his internal monologue as
he silently drives.
JAMES
(All internal
monologue/voiceover, not
spoken)
God I'm hungry. I really should
have eaten something substantial
for lunch or at least brought a
snack with me or something. Shit,
all I have at home is canned tuna
and I had fish for lunch so I don't
feel like eating that. I guess I
gotta pick something up, but it's
gotta be healthy. I've been
slipping on this diet, I can't get
back up to 300 pounds like I was.
I'll go to Subway and just get a
six inch turkey sub with mustard
instead of mayo. Yeah, that will
do. And maybe I'll get some chips.
No! No chips. Get the yogurt on
the side.
James takes a deep breath, comfortable with the decision he
has made.
JAMES (CONT'D)
(Still internal monologue)
Although I have been good all day
today and I did go for that walk
last night. So maybe I could do to
Burger King. Maybe just get the
grilled chicken sandwich with small
fries and a Diet Coke.
James ponders his decision again, now a little less sure.
JAMES (CONT'D)
(Still internal monologue)
No! I can't go to Burger King.
We're talking about my health here.
My doctor has already said that my
blood pressure was a little too
high and that if I continued down
this path it would lead to diabetes
and long term heart issues.
Plus I'm not getting any younger,
so the weight is only going to get
harder to lose, so I should just
try to build off the momentum that
I've had the last couple months. I
have to do this for my health, for
my future, I have to do this for
me.
The camera zooms out and James looks around and realizes that
in the middle of his impassioned speech to himself he has
driven into the drive-thru at the Burger King.
JAMES (CONT'D)
(Aloud)
Fuck!
END
INT. CAR
JAMES is driving home from work. He is a heavyset young guy
who has been working hard recently on losing weight but has
been struggling recently. He's trying to figure what to eat
for dinner tonight and we only hear his internal monologue as
he silently drives.
JAMES
(All internal
monologue/voiceover, not
spoken)
God I'm hungry. I really should
have eaten something substantial
for lunch or at least brought a
snack with me or something. Shit,
all I have at home is canned tuna
and I had fish for lunch so I don't
feel like eating that. I guess I
gotta pick something up, but it's
gotta be healthy. I've been
slipping on this diet, I can't get
back up to 300 pounds like I was.
I'll go to Subway and just get a
six inch turkey sub with mustard
instead of mayo. Yeah, that will
do. And maybe I'll get some chips.
No! No chips. Get the yogurt on
the side.
James takes a deep breath, comfortable with the decision he
has made.
JAMES (CONT'D)
(Still internal monologue)
Although I have been good all day
today and I did go for that walk
last night. So maybe I could do to
Burger King. Maybe just get the
grilled chicken sandwich with small
fries and a Diet Coke.
James ponders his decision again, now a little less sure.
JAMES (CONT'D)
(Still internal monologue)
No! I can't go to Burger King.
We're talking about my health here.
My doctor has already said that my
blood pressure was a little too
high and that if I continued down
this path it would lead to diabetes
and long term heart issues.
Plus I'm not getting any younger,
so the weight is only going to get
harder to lose, so I should just
try to build off the momentum that
I've had the last couple months. I
have to do this for my health, for
my future, I have to do this for
me.
The camera zooms out and James looks around and realizes that
in the middle of his impassioned speech to himself he has
driven into the drive-thru at the Burger King.
JAMES (CONT'D)
(Aloud)
Fuck!
END
30 Sketches in 30 Days--#6 "Critical Moment"
INT. THE PENTAGON WAR ROOM
PRESIDENT DAVIS sits around a table with Secretary of
Defense, COL. MCMANUS, VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD, his Chief of
Staff RICHARD WATSON and lead NASA Scientist DR. FITZGERALD.
They are discussing a dire emergency facing the nation and
tensions are incredibly high.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
So how much longer until the meteor
enters our atmosphere, doctor?
DR. FITZGERALD
Four hours and 29 minutes, Mr.
President
COL. MCMANUS
Mr. President, the time is now. We
have to launch the nuclear warheads
at the meteor.
DR. FITZGERALD
Mr. President, with all due
respect, if we hit it with a nuke
we are more likely to turn one
meteor into a thousand meteors. It
will be like a shotgun blast
instead of a single bullet.
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
I know this is a difficult
decision, Mr. President, but I
think we need to trust the
scientits on this one.
President Davies stands up and walks away from the table,
deep in thought for a few moments. The entire table goes
silent until Richard stands up and walks towards the
President.
RICHARD WATSON
Mr. President. Our window is
closing. We need to make a
decision.
President Davies takes a deep breath and stares off into
space.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
When Linda was on her death bed, do
you know what her last words were
to me?
RICHARD WATSON
Mr. President, I'm not sure where
you're going with this.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
She turned to me and said "Blow 'em
away, Nick." I think she was
trying to tell me what to do.
RICHARD WATSON
Mr. President, you have to go with
your heart. And trust me I know
something about having heart.
This time Richard disengages from the conversation and stares
off into space.
RICHARD WATSON (CONT'D)
It was four years ago today that I
got that heart transplant from my
own son. He died from that car
crash but he lives on inside of me.
Richard stands stoically and a single tear runs down his
cheek. Dr. Fitzgerald stands up from the table, a little
annoyed by the fact that these men are taking time to talk
about their personal issues rather than deal with the task at
hand.
DR. FITZGERALD
Listen, I know we all have family
issues but right now we need to
figure out how to deal with this
meteor that's flying towards our
planet.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
You're right Dr. Fitzgerald. Let's
blast this rock.
The President and Richard sit back down at the table and get
back to work.
COL. MCMANUS
Where do we think the meteor is
going to hit, Doctor?
DR. FITZGERALD
Right now we're projecting that it
is going to hit just outside of
Seattle, Washington. Anyone within
50 miles of Seattle will likely die
from the initial impact.
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
Seattle? My son is in Seattle.
Vice President McDonald gets up and walks away from the
table, his eyes glassing over as he goes deep into thought
just like the President and his chief of staff did a moment
before.
DR. FITZGERALD
Where is he going?
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
I haven't seen him since he
publicly supported our opponent in
the last election.
DR. FITZGERALD
Last election? What the--why are
we talking about this? The blast
is going to cause enough dirt to go
up into the atmosphere that we
won't see the sun for half a
decade! We're all going to die
unless we sit down and figure out
what to do about this meteor!
Vice President McDonald gathers himself and turns back
towards the table and sits back down.
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
You're right. Let's blast this
rock.
DR. FITZGERALD
(Pointing at the
President)
He already said that. You know
what? Never mind. Let's just get
back to work.
Col. McManus stands up and starts staring off into space like
the previous three.
COL. MCMANUS
Back to work, huh? My wife and I
used to fight about when she should
go back to work after she had our
twins.
Dr. Fitzgerald can't believe this is happening again. He
rolls his eyes and spins around in his chair.
DR. FITZGERALD
Are you shitting me? You're going
to get nostalgic about an argument
you had with your wife? There is a
rock the size of New York City
going five times the speed of a
bullet that is heading towards our
planet that could kill half the
people on this planet with in ten
years and all you guys are worried
about your personal problems?!
Everyone stops to look at Dr. Fitzgerald who is practically
frothing at the mouth in anger. There is an awkward silence
among all of them.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
I met my wife in New York City
END
PRESIDENT DAVIS sits around a table with Secretary of
Defense, COL. MCMANUS, VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD, his Chief of
Staff RICHARD WATSON and lead NASA Scientist DR. FITZGERALD.
They are discussing a dire emergency facing the nation and
tensions are incredibly high.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
So how much longer until the meteor
enters our atmosphere, doctor?
DR. FITZGERALD
Four hours and 29 minutes, Mr.
President
COL. MCMANUS
Mr. President, the time is now. We
have to launch the nuclear warheads
at the meteor.
DR. FITZGERALD
Mr. President, with all due
respect, if we hit it with a nuke
we are more likely to turn one
meteor into a thousand meteors. It
will be like a shotgun blast
instead of a single bullet.
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
I know this is a difficult
decision, Mr. President, but I
think we need to trust the
scientits on this one.
President Davies stands up and walks away from the table,
deep in thought for a few moments. The entire table goes
silent until Richard stands up and walks towards the
President.
RICHARD WATSON
Mr. President. Our window is
closing. We need to make a
decision.
President Davies takes a deep breath and stares off into
space.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
When Linda was on her death bed, do
you know what her last words were
to me?
RICHARD WATSON
Mr. President, I'm not sure where
you're going with this.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
She turned to me and said "Blow 'em
away, Nick." I think she was
trying to tell me what to do.
RICHARD WATSON
Mr. President, you have to go with
your heart. And trust me I know
something about having heart.
This time Richard disengages from the conversation and stares
off into space.
RICHARD WATSON (CONT'D)
It was four years ago today that I
got that heart transplant from my
own son. He died from that car
crash but he lives on inside of me.
Richard stands stoically and a single tear runs down his
cheek. Dr. Fitzgerald stands up from the table, a little
annoyed by the fact that these men are taking time to talk
about their personal issues rather than deal with the task at
hand.
DR. FITZGERALD
Listen, I know we all have family
issues but right now we need to
figure out how to deal with this
meteor that's flying towards our
planet.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
You're right Dr. Fitzgerald. Let's
blast this rock.
The President and Richard sit back down at the table and get
back to work.
COL. MCMANUS
Where do we think the meteor is
going to hit, Doctor?
DR. FITZGERALD
Right now we're projecting that it
is going to hit just outside of
Seattle, Washington. Anyone within
50 miles of Seattle will likely die
from the initial impact.
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
Seattle? My son is in Seattle.
Vice President McDonald gets up and walks away from the
table, his eyes glassing over as he goes deep into thought
just like the President and his chief of staff did a moment
before.
DR. FITZGERALD
Where is he going?
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
I haven't seen him since he
publicly supported our opponent in
the last election.
DR. FITZGERALD
Last election? What the--why are
we talking about this? The blast
is going to cause enough dirt to go
up into the atmosphere that we
won't see the sun for half a
decade! We're all going to die
unless we sit down and figure out
what to do about this meteor!
Vice President McDonald gathers himself and turns back
towards the table and sits back down.
VICE PRESIDENT MCDONALD
You're right. Let's blast this
rock.
DR. FITZGERALD
(Pointing at the
President)
He already said that. You know
what? Never mind. Let's just get
back to work.
Col. McManus stands up and starts staring off into space like
the previous three.
COL. MCMANUS
Back to work, huh? My wife and I
used to fight about when she should
go back to work after she had our
twins.
Dr. Fitzgerald can't believe this is happening again. He
rolls his eyes and spins around in his chair.
DR. FITZGERALD
Are you shitting me? You're going
to get nostalgic about an argument
you had with your wife? There is a
rock the size of New York City
going five times the speed of a
bullet that is heading towards our
planet that could kill half the
people on this planet with in ten
years and all you guys are worried
about your personal problems?!
Everyone stops to look at Dr. Fitzgerald who is practically
frothing at the mouth in anger. There is an awkward silence
among all of them.
PRESIDENT DAVIS
I met my wife in New York City
END
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 Days--#5 "Funny Guy at the Party"
EXT. OUTISDE A COMEDY CLUB
DENNIS is smoking a cigarette after a show. PHIL, one of his
few friends who is not a comedian walks out and joins him for
a smoke.
PHIL
Great set tonight man.
DENNIS
Thanks man. And thanks for coming
down tonight, it was awesome
getting a chance to see you. It's
been too long. We should grab some
night when I don't have a show.
PHIL
Yeah man, that'd be cool.
Phil and Dennis stand their smoking in silence, not sure if
the conversation is over.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hey, my roommate is having a party,
you should come by.
DENNIS
I dunno. I mean I'm kind of tired
and I don't really know any of
those guys.
PHIL
C'mon man. It'll be fun. My
roommate's in med school so it's
not like it's going to be a crazy
party or anything, just a few
people hanging out with some good
beer.
DENNIS
I dunno, I just hate going to those
things because everyone wants to
tell me jokes or wants me to do
something funny.
PHIL
I won't even tell anyone you're a
comedian. Plus the girls they
bring around are surprisingly hot.
Dennis kind of shrugs his shoulders and tries to think of a
reason not to go to the party.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Come on, man. I haven't seen you
in like two years. Just stay for a
beer.
DENNIS
Alright man. I'll come by for a
beer or two.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE
A large house party is going. It's basically like a frat
party but with people in their late 20s and early 30s.
People are playing beer pong, flip cup and a group of guys
are doing keg stands. Phil and Dennis walk in. Dennis
immediately regrets his decision to come to the party.
Dennis' roommate HANK drunkenly greets him at the door
holding a beer funnel and a can of Milwaukee's Best.
HANK
Phil! You gotta catch up!
Hank pours the beer into the funnel and hands it to Phil who
quickly downs the beer and then chest bumps Hank.
PHIL
WOOOO! Hey, this is my boy Dennis
from college.
HANK
Wait. Is this the comedian?
Dennis sheepishly nods his head.
HANK (CONT'D)
Oh shit! We got a famous comedian
at the party everybody!
Dennis tries to fake a smile while and a wave while the party
goers cheer the news.
DENNIS
Well I'm not famous or anything
HANK
Fuck that, man. I hear you opened
for Louis CK.
DENNIS
It was Louis Anderson.
HANK
Whatever man, let's get you a beer
go introduce you to some bitches.
Hank leads Dennis away. Dennis looks back at Phil the way a
kidegartner looks at his mommy when they drop them off at the
first day of school.
CUT TO:
Dennis in a conversation with a couple girls. He looks very
uncomfortable.
GIRL 1
So you're a comedian? I love Dane
Cook
GIRL 2
And that guy with the puppets?
What's his name?
DENNIS
Jeff Dunham.
GIRL 2
Yeah. You ever get to do any shows
with him? I bet he's hilarious off
stage.
CUT TO:
Dennis in a conversation with another guy at the party.
GUY 1
I bet you have so many jokes about
that Anthony Weiner guy. I mean,
his name is Weiner! That's gotta
be a gift from the gods to
comedians.
CUT TO:
Dennis grabbing a beer from the refrigerator the same time as
another guy.
GUY 2
A beer in the hand is worth two in
the bush!
DENNIS
What?
GUY 2
Feel free to use that in one of
your bits.
DENNIS
Uh, thanks.
CUT TO:
Dennis steps outside for a smoke and is all alone until
another guy steps out to join him in a smoke.
GUY 3
Hey what's up man.
DENNIS
Hey.
GUY 3
You're that comedian guy, right?
Dennis braces himself for another terrible conversation.
DENNIS
Yeah, that's me.
GUY 3
Cool man. You know Joe Fullman?
Usually performs in South Jersey.
I used to go to school with him.
Dennis perks up, happy that the guy seems somewhat sane and
actually has something to talk about.
DENNIS
Yeah, I've just did his room in
Marlton. Joe's a good guy. Funny,
too.
GUY 3
Yeah man, he was gonna come tonight
but last time he was here everyone
just kept asking him stupid
questions.
DENNIS
That's why I'm out here.
They both laugh.
GUY 3
Yeah man I hate these guys. I'm
just here because my girlfriend is
friends with Hank's girlfriend.
DENNIS
You'd think these guys had never
met anyone who was doing something
other than trying to become a
doctor or lawyer.
GUY 3
Yeah, they suck. I know how from
Joe how much you guys hate all
those dumb questions or suggestions
for your act.
DENNIS
Yeah.
GUY 3
So, since you're a comedian, you
know where we could get some coke?
Dennis rolls his eyes realizing that the coolest guy at the
party is still a douche.
CUT TO:
Dennis and Guy 3 doing coke off a coffee table.
GUY 3 (CONT'D)
Seriously man, I love Dane Cook.
END
DENNIS is smoking a cigarette after a show. PHIL, one of his
few friends who is not a comedian walks out and joins him for
a smoke.
PHIL
Great set tonight man.
DENNIS
Thanks man. And thanks for coming
down tonight, it was awesome
getting a chance to see you. It's
been too long. We should grab some
night when I don't have a show.
PHIL
Yeah man, that'd be cool.
Phil and Dennis stand their smoking in silence, not sure if
the conversation is over.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Hey, my roommate is having a party,
you should come by.
DENNIS
I dunno. I mean I'm kind of tired
and I don't really know any of
those guys.
PHIL
C'mon man. It'll be fun. My
roommate's in med school so it's
not like it's going to be a crazy
party or anything, just a few
people hanging out with some good
beer.
DENNIS
I dunno, I just hate going to those
things because everyone wants to
tell me jokes or wants me to do
something funny.
PHIL
I won't even tell anyone you're a
comedian. Plus the girls they
bring around are surprisingly hot.
Dennis kind of shrugs his shoulders and tries to think of a
reason not to go to the party.
PHIL (CONT'D)
Come on, man. I haven't seen you
in like two years. Just stay for a
beer.
DENNIS
Alright man. I'll come by for a
beer or two.
CUT TO:
INT. HOUSE
A large house party is going. It's basically like a frat
party but with people in their late 20s and early 30s.
People are playing beer pong, flip cup and a group of guys
are doing keg stands. Phil and Dennis walk in. Dennis
immediately regrets his decision to come to the party.
Dennis' roommate HANK drunkenly greets him at the door
holding a beer funnel and a can of Milwaukee's Best.
HANK
Phil! You gotta catch up!
Hank pours the beer into the funnel and hands it to Phil who
quickly downs the beer and then chest bumps Hank.
PHIL
WOOOO! Hey, this is my boy Dennis
from college.
HANK
Wait. Is this the comedian?
Dennis sheepishly nods his head.
HANK (CONT'D)
Oh shit! We got a famous comedian
at the party everybody!
Dennis tries to fake a smile while and a wave while the party
goers cheer the news.
DENNIS
Well I'm not famous or anything
HANK
Fuck that, man. I hear you opened
for Louis CK.
DENNIS
It was Louis Anderson.
HANK
Whatever man, let's get you a beer
go introduce you to some bitches.
Hank leads Dennis away. Dennis looks back at Phil the way a
kidegartner looks at his mommy when they drop them off at the
first day of school.
CUT TO:
Dennis in a conversation with a couple girls. He looks very
uncomfortable.
GIRL 1
So you're a comedian? I love Dane
Cook
GIRL 2
And that guy with the puppets?
What's his name?
DENNIS
Jeff Dunham.
GIRL 2
Yeah. You ever get to do any shows
with him? I bet he's hilarious off
stage.
CUT TO:
Dennis in a conversation with another guy at the party.
GUY 1
I bet you have so many jokes about
that Anthony Weiner guy. I mean,
his name is Weiner! That's gotta
be a gift from the gods to
comedians.
CUT TO:
Dennis grabbing a beer from the refrigerator the same time as
another guy.
GUY 2
A beer in the hand is worth two in
the bush!
DENNIS
What?
GUY 2
Feel free to use that in one of
your bits.
DENNIS
Uh, thanks.
CUT TO:
Dennis steps outside for a smoke and is all alone until
another guy steps out to join him in a smoke.
GUY 3
Hey what's up man.
DENNIS
Hey.
GUY 3
You're that comedian guy, right?
Dennis braces himself for another terrible conversation.
DENNIS
Yeah, that's me.
GUY 3
Cool man. You know Joe Fullman?
Usually performs in South Jersey.
I used to go to school with him.
Dennis perks up, happy that the guy seems somewhat sane and
actually has something to talk about.
DENNIS
Yeah, I've just did his room in
Marlton. Joe's a good guy. Funny,
too.
GUY 3
Yeah man, he was gonna come tonight
but last time he was here everyone
just kept asking him stupid
questions.
DENNIS
That's why I'm out here.
They both laugh.
GUY 3
Yeah man I hate these guys. I'm
just here because my girlfriend is
friends with Hank's girlfriend.
DENNIS
You'd think these guys had never
met anyone who was doing something
other than trying to become a
doctor or lawyer.
GUY 3
Yeah, they suck. I know how from
Joe how much you guys hate all
those dumb questions or suggestions
for your act.
DENNIS
Yeah.
GUY 3
So, since you're a comedian, you
know where we could get some coke?
Dennis rolls his eyes realizing that the coolest guy at the
party is still a douche.
CUT TO:
Dennis and Guy 3 doing coke off a coffee table.
GUY 3 (CONT'D)
Seriously man, I love Dane Cook.
END
Monday, September 5, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 Days--#4 "The New Guy"
So I missed yesterday but I'll put two up today. Here's the first one--"The New Guy"
INT. COMEDY CLUB
A group of comedians is hanging out before an open mic.
They're talking and drinking some beers at the bar. FRANK is
a new comedian and looks out of place. He isn't talking to
anyone and keeps trying to get into conversations but has
nothing to say. Eventually he corners DOUG, a comedian he's
seen before who he thinks is funny.
FRANK
Hey, Doug, right?
Doug nods his head, trying to figure out if he's supposed to
know this stranger in front of him.
FRANK (CONT'D)
I saw you last month opening up for
Aries Spears. You were awesome.
Doug realizes that it's just a fan and is relieved
DOUG
Thanks so much man, it's always
nice to meet a fan. What's your
name?
FRANK
Frank. Frank Collins but I'm going
to go by Frankie Crack-up. on
stage. I'm trying to become a
comedian just like you, man. Got
any advice?
DOUG
Other than dropping the stage name?
What do you want to know man?
FRANK
Uh, I guess how do get more gigs?
I'm frustrated because I haven't
gotten any paying gigs yet and I'm
trying to quit my job and do this
full time.
DOUG
You gotta keep showing up at open
mics and working on your material.
Then eventually enough people will
see you that they'll start inviting
you to shows.
Frank looks kind of disapointed with the advice but plows on
with more questions
FRANK
Well after I start getting some
paying gigs, how long do you think
until I can start making good
money.
DOUG
7 to 10 years, if you're good and
lucky.
FRANK
Oh. At the very least this should
help my social life and help me
with the ladies, right? That's got
to be a nice perk.
DOUG
My friends don't talk to me anymore
because they know if they do that
I'm just going to invite them to a
show and they're too polite to say
no. And now every time I try to
hit on a girl all I can think about
is coming up with jokes about how
ridiculous the process of picking
up a girl is and then I fuck it up.
Doug looks more and more disgusted with the life of being a
comedian. Doug realizes he's upsetting the young comic and
tries to fix it.
DOUG (CONT'D)
I don't want to make it seem so
bad. There are some perks. Like
now I almost never have to pay for
a drink at most of the places I
perform.
The bartender walks over, seeing that Doug's drink is empty.
BARTENDER
Need another one?
DOUG
That'd be great
BARTENDER
We're out of those Colt 45s that we
accidentally ordered so I'm gonna
have to charge you for the next
one.
Doug looks kind of embarrassed but doesn't want to say no at
this point.
DOUG
Yeah, that's fine.
Doug and Frank just sit there in silence. Frank's dream of
the life of being a comedian being awesome has just been
shattered and Doug is upset that he couldn't even try to make
being a comedian seem cool even for two minutes.
DOUG (CONT'D)
You got five bucks I could borrow?
INT. COMEDY CLUB
A group of comedians is hanging out before an open mic.
They're talking and drinking some beers at the bar. FRANK is
a new comedian and looks out of place. He isn't talking to
anyone and keeps trying to get into conversations but has
nothing to say. Eventually he corners DOUG, a comedian he's
seen before who he thinks is funny.
FRANK
Hey, Doug, right?
Doug nods his head, trying to figure out if he's supposed to
know this stranger in front of him.
FRANK (CONT'D)
I saw you last month opening up for
Aries Spears. You were awesome.
Doug realizes that it's just a fan and is relieved
DOUG
Thanks so much man, it's always
nice to meet a fan. What's your
name?
FRANK
Frank. Frank Collins but I'm going
to go by Frankie Crack-up. on
stage. I'm trying to become a
comedian just like you, man. Got
any advice?
DOUG
Other than dropping the stage name?
What do you want to know man?
FRANK
Uh, I guess how do get more gigs?
I'm frustrated because I haven't
gotten any paying gigs yet and I'm
trying to quit my job and do this
full time.
DOUG
You gotta keep showing up at open
mics and working on your material.
Then eventually enough people will
see you that they'll start inviting
you to shows.
Frank looks kind of disapointed with the advice but plows on
with more questions
FRANK
Well after I start getting some
paying gigs, how long do you think
until I can start making good
money.
DOUG
7 to 10 years, if you're good and
lucky.
FRANK
Oh. At the very least this should
help my social life and help me
with the ladies, right? That's got
to be a nice perk.
DOUG
My friends don't talk to me anymore
because they know if they do that
I'm just going to invite them to a
show and they're too polite to say
no. And now every time I try to
hit on a girl all I can think about
is coming up with jokes about how
ridiculous the process of picking
up a girl is and then I fuck it up.
Doug looks more and more disgusted with the life of being a
comedian. Doug realizes he's upsetting the young comic and
tries to fix it.
DOUG (CONT'D)
I don't want to make it seem so
bad. There are some perks. Like
now I almost never have to pay for
a drink at most of the places I
perform.
The bartender walks over, seeing that Doug's drink is empty.
BARTENDER
Need another one?
DOUG
That'd be great
BARTENDER
We're out of those Colt 45s that we
accidentally ordered so I'm gonna
have to charge you for the next
one.
Doug looks kind of embarrassed but doesn't want to say no at
this point.
DOUG
Yeah, that's fine.
Doug and Frank just sit there in silence. Frank's dream of
the life of being a comedian being awesome has just been
shattered and Doug is upset that he couldn't even try to make
being a comedian seem cool even for two minutes.
DOUG (CONT'D)
You got five bucks I could borrow?
Saturday, September 3, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 Days--Day 3 "Gash Cab"
EXT. CITY STREET
It's 2:15 am on a Friday and the bars have just closed down.
JASON is trying to seal the deal with CHRYSTAL, an incredibly
ugly woman who may or may not be a transvestite.
JASON
Why don't we go back to my place?
I have some good wine we could open
and just keep this party goin.
CHRYSTAL
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea
Jason and Chrystal start to kiss. He pulls away and holds a
single finger up to her lips.
JASON
Let me go get us a cab
Jason walks to over to the curb and holds out his hand to
flag down a taxi. Almost instantly a checkered cab pulls up.
He holds the door open for Chrystal and helps her in the car.
JASON (CONT'D)
(To the cabbie)
21st and Pine, please. And don't
take Broad street.
The cab driver looks a little annoyed by Jason telling him
how to do his job and mutters something incoherent under his
breath.
JASON (CONT'D)
What did you just say?
The cab driver mumbles something undecipherable again.
JASON (CONT'D)
Hey man, you can forget about a tip
unless you tell me what you're
saying.
CAB DRIVER
I said "You're on the Cash Cab!"
The interior of the car lights up and music starts playing.
CHRYSTAL
Oh shit! I seen this shit on TV!
With the lights turned all the way up in the cab Jason can
now see that he has definitely picked up a transvestite. He
looks horrified.
CAB DRIVER
You have the next 28 blocks until
your stop to answer as many
questions correctly as you can.
But if you give three wrong
answers, we will drop you off
whereever we are. You guys want to
play?
Jason is still stunned but he tries to say "No" but is cut
off by Chrystal who is really excited.
CHRYSTAL
Fuck yeah we playin!
(to Jason)
I can't believe we in the Cash Cab!
CAB DRIVER
Ok, here is your first question:
This part of the body only found in
50% of humans is also known as the
Layrngeal Prominance and is found
on the front of the throat.
Chrystal looks completely stumped and Jason continues to look
totally embarrassed.
JASON
The, um, the uh. The Adam's Apple?
CAB DRIVER
That's correct for $50!
Chrystal cheers and tries to give Adam a big kiss but he
ducks out of the way and they end up in an awkward hug.
Question two is another 50 dollar
question: What is the average age
girls begin menstruating?
Jason looks at Chrystal and she gives a "deer in headlights"
look back to Jason.
CHRYSTAL
Um. 17?
The cab driver laughs accidentally and then collects himself.
CAB DRIVER
I'm sorry, the answer is 13
Jason stares very hard at Chrystal who looks the complete
other direction, refusing to make eye contact with her date.
Question 30 is going to be a
little bit harder but it's worth a
hundred bucks: This type of
chemical therapy goes by the
initials HRT and is used most
commonly by people with gender
identity disorder.
CHRYSTAL
Hormone Replacement Therapy!
CAB DRIVER
That is correct again for another
hundered dollars!
Jason's eyes get huge as the gravity of what is happening
sinks in. He looks physically ill
CHRYSTAL
YAY!
CAB DRIVER
Okay, question four is also worth a
hundred dollars: This type of
professional establishment is most
often visited on Saturday and
Sunday mornings after anonymous and
unwanted sexual encounters often
caused by excessive binge drinking.
JASON
Fuck this.
Jason opens the door of the moving cab and rolls out of the
car.
CHRYSTAL
Jason!
CAB DRIVER
Well that is a cash cab first.
Chrystal and the cab driver sit there stunned for a moment
trying to figure out what to do. Chrystal perks up and has a
bit of an "a ha" moment.
CHRYSTAL
Oh! Free health clinic! That's
the answer!
END
It's 2:15 am on a Friday and the bars have just closed down.
JASON is trying to seal the deal with CHRYSTAL, an incredibly
ugly woman who may or may not be a transvestite.
JASON
Why don't we go back to my place?
I have some good wine we could open
and just keep this party goin.
CHRYSTAL
Yeah, that sounds like a good idea
Jason and Chrystal start to kiss. He pulls away and holds a
single finger up to her lips.
JASON
Let me go get us a cab
Jason walks to over to the curb and holds out his hand to
flag down a taxi. Almost instantly a checkered cab pulls up.
He holds the door open for Chrystal and helps her in the car.
JASON (CONT'D)
(To the cabbie)
21st and Pine, please. And don't
take Broad street.
The cab driver looks a little annoyed by Jason telling him
how to do his job and mutters something incoherent under his
breath.
JASON (CONT'D)
What did you just say?
The cab driver mumbles something undecipherable again.
JASON (CONT'D)
Hey man, you can forget about a tip
unless you tell me what you're
saying.
CAB DRIVER
I said "You're on the Cash Cab!"
The interior of the car lights up and music starts playing.
CHRYSTAL
Oh shit! I seen this shit on TV!
With the lights turned all the way up in the cab Jason can
now see that he has definitely picked up a transvestite. He
looks horrified.
CAB DRIVER
You have the next 28 blocks until
your stop to answer as many
questions correctly as you can.
But if you give three wrong
answers, we will drop you off
whereever we are. You guys want to
play?
Jason is still stunned but he tries to say "No" but is cut
off by Chrystal who is really excited.
CHRYSTAL
Fuck yeah we playin!
(to Jason)
I can't believe we in the Cash Cab!
CAB DRIVER
Ok, here is your first question:
This part of the body only found in
50% of humans is also known as the
Layrngeal Prominance and is found
on the front of the throat.
Chrystal looks completely stumped and Jason continues to look
totally embarrassed.
JASON
The, um, the uh. The Adam's Apple?
CAB DRIVER
That's correct for $50!
Chrystal cheers and tries to give Adam a big kiss but he
ducks out of the way and they end up in an awkward hug.
Question two is another 50 dollar
question: What is the average age
girls begin menstruating?
Jason looks at Chrystal and she gives a "deer in headlights"
look back to Jason.
CHRYSTAL
Um. 17?
The cab driver laughs accidentally and then collects himself.
CAB DRIVER
I'm sorry, the answer is 13
Jason stares very hard at Chrystal who looks the complete
other direction, refusing to make eye contact with her date.
Question 30 is going to be a
little bit harder but it's worth a
hundred bucks: This type of
chemical therapy goes by the
initials HRT and is used most
commonly by people with gender
identity disorder.
CHRYSTAL
Hormone Replacement Therapy!
CAB DRIVER
That is correct again for another
hundered dollars!
Jason's eyes get huge as the gravity of what is happening
sinks in. He looks physically ill
CHRYSTAL
YAY!
CAB DRIVER
Okay, question four is also worth a
hundred dollars: This type of
professional establishment is most
often visited on Saturday and
Sunday mornings after anonymous and
unwanted sexual encounters often
caused by excessive binge drinking.
JASON
Fuck this.
Jason opens the door of the moving cab and rolls out of the
car.
CHRYSTAL
Jason!
CAB DRIVER
Well that is a cash cab first.
Chrystal and the cab driver sit there stunned for a moment
trying to figure out what to do. Chrystal perks up and has a
bit of an "a ha" moment.
CHRYSTAL
Oh! Free health clinic! That's
the answer!
END
Friday, September 2, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 Days--Day 2 "Michelle Bachmann was Right About God"
INT. HEAVEN
God sits at a fancy desk sorting through newspapers and
looking more and more disgusted with each article he reads.
GOD
After 6,000 years, why is it that
Michelle Bachmann is the only one
on this planet that actually gets
me?
ST. PETER
I don't know, Lord. Perhaps the
whole "working in mysterious ways"
thing wasn't the best tactic for
getting your point across.
GOD
Mysterious my ass. I've been
incredibly clear with what I want:
No abortion, don't let gays get
married and for fucks sake keep
marginal tax rate low on the
wealthiest Americans!
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord. But don't you
think it would be good to do
something about the famine and
disease outbreak in Africa?
GOD
Are you even paying attention? Did
you even read the last budget this
congress passed?
ST. PETER
No, Lord, I did not.
GOD
$1.5 Million dollars for a museum
to honor a banjo player! Are you
shitting me?
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord, it's very
upsetting. But malaria is killing
a million people a year in Africa.
GOD
Listen, Pete. New York just
started allowing gay marriage. I
don't have time for your "save the
children" bullshit right now.
ST. PETER
Well maybe you should try to send a
message of some sort.
GOD
Another one? Did you see what I
did to Joplin? I fucked their shit
up. If that isn't a clear message
that I'm against gay marriage, then
I'm not the almighty ruler of the
universe.
St. Peter's blackberry goes off. He looks at it for a moment
then returns to his conversation with God.
ST. PETER
We just got some prayers from some
military families to help bring
their sons and daughters home
safely. You might want to handle
this.
GOD
Holy fuck, Pete. You really think
I can deal with that right now? I
have 15,000 prayers to help
confused teens keep their gay
feelings at bay that are clogging
up my priority bin. Maybe if the
Spendocrats on the hill would have
spent less money on their welfare
programs and more money on arming
the troops then these families
wouldn't need my help.
ST. PETER
Well I think that would actually
have increased the debt a little
bit more than--
GOD
(Cutting St. Peter off)
If they had just kept taxes low on
businesses then they would be able
to hire more people and that would
increase the tax base so that the
country could help pay off their
debt.
God looks at his newspapers again and seems to get more and
more frustrated.
GOD (CONT'D)
Are you serious? They're trying to
bring back the fairness doctrine.
Fuck this, I'm sending another
earthquake.
END
God sits at a fancy desk sorting through newspapers and
looking more and more disgusted with each article he reads.
GOD
After 6,000 years, why is it that
Michelle Bachmann is the only one
on this planet that actually gets
me?
ST. PETER
I don't know, Lord. Perhaps the
whole "working in mysterious ways"
thing wasn't the best tactic for
getting your point across.
GOD
Mysterious my ass. I've been
incredibly clear with what I want:
No abortion, don't let gays get
married and for fucks sake keep
marginal tax rate low on the
wealthiest Americans!
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord. But don't you
think it would be good to do
something about the famine and
disease outbreak in Africa?
GOD
Are you even paying attention? Did
you even read the last budget this
congress passed?
ST. PETER
No, Lord, I did not.
GOD
$1.5 Million dollars for a museum
to honor a banjo player! Are you
shitting me?
ST. PETER
Of course, Lord, it's very
upsetting. But malaria is killing
a million people a year in Africa.
GOD
Listen, Pete. New York just
started allowing gay marriage. I
don't have time for your "save the
children" bullshit right now.
ST. PETER
Well maybe you should try to send a
message of some sort.
GOD
Another one? Did you see what I
did to Joplin? I fucked their shit
up. If that isn't a clear message
that I'm against gay marriage, then
I'm not the almighty ruler of the
universe.
St. Peter's blackberry goes off. He looks at it for a moment
then returns to his conversation with God.
ST. PETER
We just got some prayers from some
military families to help bring
their sons and daughters home
safely. You might want to handle
this.
GOD
Holy fuck, Pete. You really think
I can deal with that right now? I
have 15,000 prayers to help
confused teens keep their gay
feelings at bay that are clogging
up my priority bin. Maybe if the
Spendocrats on the hill would have
spent less money on their welfare
programs and more money on arming
the troops then these families
wouldn't need my help.
ST. PETER
Well I think that would actually
have increased the debt a little
bit more than--
GOD
(Cutting St. Peter off)
If they had just kept taxes low on
businesses then they would be able
to hire more people and that would
increase the tax base so that the
country could help pay off their
debt.
God looks at his newspapers again and seems to get more and
more frustrated.
GOD (CONT'D)
Are you serious? They're trying to
bring back the fairness doctrine.
Fuck this, I'm sending another
earthquake.
END
Thursday, September 1, 2011
30 Sketches in 30 days: #1--"Boring Apocalypse"
So apparently it's National Sketch Writing month, according to a website that is designed exclusively to promote National Sketch Writing month.
Seriously
So here is my first sketch, "Boring Apocalypse"
INT. APARTMENT
MIKE and JAMES sit in an apartment sometime following the
apocalypse. They're each just sitting on couches staring at a
blank TV. There is a pile of guns on the table in between
them.
JAMES
This apocalypse sucks
MIKE
Hey man, we should just be happy to
be alive. No need to dwell on
what's not going well. You should
focus on the positive things in
your life right now
JAMES
Oh yeah? Like what?
MIKE
Like the fact that we haven't had a
serious zombie attack in more than
24 hours. Maybe this whole thing
is subsiding.
JAMES
Yeah but that last attack they got
Eric and Joan. Now we're on our
own.
MIKE
Hey, that just means that the food
will last longer so we have a
better chance of survival.
JAMES
Ugh. Were you this annoying before
the apocalypse?
MIKE
Listen, I know that this situation
sucks but there is no reason to be
so negative about everything. I
figure we're stuck here, we might
as well make the best of it. Why
don't we play a board game?
JAMES
No, I don't want to play a board
game.
MIKE
C'mon, I saw a bunch in the back
room. Whoever lived here before
must have had kids or maybe they
were one of those crazy couples
that had game nights with other
couples every Wednesday.
James looks even more annoyed and rolls his eyes. Meanwhile
Mike takes the initiative and gets up to go look at the board
games. He calls out different games from the back room.
JAMES
I'm not playing a stupid game man.
If anything we should spend our
time trying to figure out ways to
survive.
MIKE
Tap water is still running and we
have a month's worth of food.
We're fine. How about Monopoly?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Risk?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Parcheesee
JAMES
No
MIKE
Life?
JAMES
Fuck it! I can't take this shit
anymore! I'd rather be out there
with the zombies than in here with
you!
James gets up and starts to walk out the door.
MIKE
Jesus man. You'll die out there!
JAMES
I don't care anymore. I'm dying in
here too.
James leaves. Mike yells at him through the door.
MIKE
Don't even think about coming back
here! I'm locking the door and
you'll never get back in!
James doesn't respond, he just keeps on walking. Mike takes
a deep breath and collects himself. Then he reaches under
the couch cushion and pulls out a Hustler magazine and starts
to unbuckle his pants.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Thank God, I thought I'd never get
him to leave
Seriously
So here is my first sketch, "Boring Apocalypse"
INT. APARTMENT
MIKE and JAMES sit in an apartment sometime following the
apocalypse. They're each just sitting on couches staring at a
blank TV. There is a pile of guns on the table in between
them.
JAMES
This apocalypse sucks
MIKE
Hey man, we should just be happy to
be alive. No need to dwell on
what's not going well. You should
focus on the positive things in
your life right now
JAMES
Oh yeah? Like what?
MIKE
Like the fact that we haven't had a
serious zombie attack in more than
24 hours. Maybe this whole thing
is subsiding.
JAMES
Yeah but that last attack they got
Eric and Joan. Now we're on our
own.
MIKE
Hey, that just means that the food
will last longer so we have a
better chance of survival.
JAMES
Ugh. Were you this annoying before
the apocalypse?
MIKE
Listen, I know that this situation
sucks but there is no reason to be
so negative about everything. I
figure we're stuck here, we might
as well make the best of it. Why
don't we play a board game?
JAMES
No, I don't want to play a board
game.
MIKE
C'mon, I saw a bunch in the back
room. Whoever lived here before
must have had kids or maybe they
were one of those crazy couples
that had game nights with other
couples every Wednesday.
James looks even more annoyed and rolls his eyes. Meanwhile
Mike takes the initiative and gets up to go look at the board
games. He calls out different games from the back room.
JAMES
I'm not playing a stupid game man.
If anything we should spend our
time trying to figure out ways to
survive.
MIKE
Tap water is still running and we
have a month's worth of food.
We're fine. How about Monopoly?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Risk?
JAMES
No
MIKE
Parcheesee
JAMES
No
MIKE
Life?
JAMES
Fuck it! I can't take this shit
anymore! I'd rather be out there
with the zombies than in here with
you!
James gets up and starts to walk out the door.
MIKE
Jesus man. You'll die out there!
JAMES
I don't care anymore. I'm dying in
here too.
James leaves. Mike yells at him through the door.
MIKE
Don't even think about coming back
here! I'm locking the door and
you'll never get back in!
James doesn't respond, he just keeps on walking. Mike takes
a deep breath and collects himself. Then he reaches under
the couch cushion and pulls out a Hustler magazine and starts
to unbuckle his pants.
MIKE (CONT'D)
Thank God, I thought I'd never get
him to leave
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